


The Fool and The Dancing Bear

by katzengefluster



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, original male character to replace bobby at yg, smtm season 3, will feature some prominent people from the show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-07-10 13:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 84,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15949955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katzengefluster/pseuds/katzengefluster
Summary: When 18 year old Bobby Kim agrees to fly to New York City to audition for some Korean rap show his best friend is obsessed with, he doesn't expect much. But soon he finds himself on a plane flying to Seoul for the summer, diving head first into a Korean society he's become somewhat of a stranger to. The last thing he expects to do is befriend an idol by the name of Kim Hanbin, better known as B.I, one of his competitors who's got struggles he's trying to hide from everyone. But soon Bobby figures out that the one thing Hanbin needs more than anything is a real friend, someone who doesn't know anything about him, a clean slate who likes him for more than his burgeoning celebrity status. Maybe, if Bobby's lucky, it might even turn into something more. (SMTM Season 3 AU!!)





	1. Audition Round

**Author's Note:**

> ♥♥Celebrating Day Two of Double B Week!!♥♥
> 
> Keywords: Trainee Days + Patience & Hot Headedness + Unexpected Events + Puppy Love
> 
> Notes: As mentioned this is an AU about SMTM season 3. Bobby is NOT a YG trainee and never moved back to Korea. Instead there is an OC (named Seungjae) who has replaced him in Team B during WIN & M&M. Everyone else is the same. I've followed SMTM3 to an extent (with obvious differences, being that they did not have US auditions in that season, but I'm using them in this story) and some of the rounds/results will be different.
> 
> The rest of iKON will appear, along with some other noteable figures from SMTM (mostly Olltii, Toy, and the producers). M&M is being filmed while SMTM3 is going on.
> 
> I will be posting chapters on a weekly basis (probably) since this is 95% done.

“Bro, stop worrying! I know that face and it’s even uglier when you get all squinty.”  
  
A punch to the arm later and Bobby’s feeling victorious. It only lasts for a few seconds before his nerves start to creep their way back in, though. He’s in New York City along with his best friend, Robbie. Their rhyming names were the catalyst to their friendship nine years ago, when Bobby and his family had moved to the US from Korea. (He’d been Jiwon at that time, right up until three days before school started. His mom had asked him if he wanted to pick an “American name” for school, and he’d pounced on _Bobby_ right from the start.) Some of their classmates had made fun of them over it (it didn’t help that they’d been the only two Koreans in their class that first year either) but everyone sang a different tune about them now. Funny how growth spurts and athletic prowess could make all the difference.   
  
They’re in New York for an audition. Some Korean rap show that Robbie’s been trying to get him to watch on-line. Bobby’s not really a TV guy, though, and why should he care about a bunch of Korean rappers when he’s got easier access to all the American ones? After nine years in the US, he defaults to English now.   
  
But then Robbie told him about the prize money. If there’s one thing Bobby is hungry for, it’s money. Not to buy himself things, but to support his family. It’s been a struggle for the past four years—his parents both work, and even his older brother has started working now too, but they’re still barely staying afloat with the rising economy. Not to mention that his brother has gotten really serious with his girlfriend, and Bobby has caught him looking at engagement rings. He doesn’t think that Jiun should have to choose between his family’s survival and his own future.   
  
The only reason he’s here at the audition is because Robbie’s family offered to foot the bill for travel. Robbie’s parents have more money than Bobby’s have ever had, and he would have felt terrible about costing them extra except for the fact that Robbie’s sister works as a stewardess for US Airways, and she got Robbie on the plane for practically nothing on a family pass.   
  
Still. He’s conscious of the money they’re spending on him. He needs to do well.   
  
He was confident on their way here, even waking up this morning in the uncomfortable hostel bed, he still felt good about his chances. But the sheer number of people packing into the venue now are making him have second thoughts about the whole thing. This is a Korean show. Are his Korean skills good enough? He’s gotten sloppy over the years, though he’s been making a mad dash for the past month to try and tighten it all up. Standing here now and looking out at everyone else has him wondering if he’s wasting everyone’s time and money. He should have done more to prep.   
  
But as they stand around in line most everyone they hear is speaking in English. Maybe he won’t be so far off from everyone after all. His friends have all told him not to worry, that even if his Korean is a bit rusty, his voice and his energy would probably be enough to at least get him through the first round.   
  
Four hours in and it’s finally their turn. Bobby watches as the judge, some tall guy with a weird face who goes by the name San E, starts at the other end of the row. He turns to Robbie.   
  
“Is this guy one of the guys we wanted?”   
  
Robbie nods, whispering his answer. “Yeah, he’s really nice compared to some of the other guys. He’ll probably give us another chance if we screw up or something.”   
  
Bobby nods and turns back to watch San E for a bit. Like Robbie said, the judge is exceptionally polite to the competitors (even the assholes who pitch a fit when they’re dropped). There’s a grace in losing that not everyone has, and as much as Bobby hates losing, there’s no way he could live with himself if he acted as foolish as half of these guys are acting.   
  
Robbie’s got his audition first and Bobby watches on in silence, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. Robbie’s got a good flow, his voice is a bit smoother than Bobby’s, his pronunciation a bit sharper. But San E tells him he’s got too much English in his verse. He asks him for something else.   
  
Bobby panics a bit. He’s only got one verse prepared for today. What happens if San E thinks he’s got too much English? He doesn’t have anything else ready. Robbie does, though, and halfway through the second verse San E pulls out the gold chain and offers it to him, and Bobby can see the relief in Robbie’s posture.   
  
Bobby steels himself for his turn. He’s got this.   
  
“Please begin when you’re ready.”   
  
San E’s instruction is softly given and Bobby wishes he’d actually done some research on the guy beforehand. On any of them, really. But then it doesn’t actually matter that much. All he has to do is spit his bars well and show his explosive power. He’s sure to pass.   
  
He passes.   
  
San E doesn’t say anything, he just nods appreciatively and holds out the chain, but Bobby can see the unspoken praise in the judge’s eyes. He bows and accepts his token, can’t help but pump his fist before turning to Robbie and sharing a tight hug. They made it to the next round. Both of them.   
  
Bobby does his homework.   
  
He looks up all the judges, plays through their discographies. He scouts on-line for information about other contestants. He doesn’t really find that much, only a few big names. Robbie tells him about a few others, and before long Bobby’s got a neat little list of who they might encounter if they make it to Korea. He doesn’t do anything with the list, though. He’s never really been the type to plan things out so far in advance.   
  
The second round of auditions is held in LA and it’s a much smaller affair, held at some expensive beach house. Bobby’s never been somewhere so glamorous before, and he can’t do anything except stare around in a daze.   
  
“Just imagine if we ever make it big, bro,” Robbie says beside him, “bet you could throw some killer parties in a place like this. Get a ton of hot girls. It’d be like heaven.”   
  
“The only way you’d be getting hot girls at your party is if you paid them to come.” Bobby teases him.   
  
“Well, I figure if I have enough money for this place, I’d probably have enough money to pay for that too, so I’m all set.” Robbie keeps on talking about living the lavish LA lifestyle, but all Bobby can think about is how he’d rather buy a place like this on the coast for his parents. Let his dad retire and spend his days painting the ocean, sunrises and sunsets over the water, while his mother can cook to her heart’s content in a huge kitchen with all those fancy kitchen tools she looks at when they go shopping, but never buys herself. That’s what he wants most in life. Just to take care of his family. Robbie wants a car, but Bobby wants to give his brother money for a fancy engagement ring.   
  
It’s good that they’ve got each other, though. Robbie’s family never struggled, so he’s got loftier dreams than Bobby does, and sometimes you need to think with a freer mindset. Bobby reigns Robbie in when he gets out of hand, and Robbie emboldens him to dream a little higher.   
  
The majority of the people here at this round have a good grasp on Korean, but Bobby’s still surprised to see a couple of them here and there who can barely speak a few words. What were the producers thinking, passing people who don’t know the language? They couldn’t possibly think about bringing someone who would only be rapping in English, could they? What would be the point of doing the show in Korea if you don’t use Korean?   
  
The whole thing makes it seem just a little off-putting to him. Why give people false hope like that? It’s not right.   
  
They’re finally ready to get things underway and the show producers explain things to them and introduce the judges. Each team has a representative here: a Korean-Canadian guy named Tablo who graduated from Stanford (Bobby enjoyed the poetic quality of his lyrics, but he also feels a little intimidated by him at the same time); YDG (the only producer working on his own on the show); San E; and Dok2, CEO of Illionaire Records. So far, Bobby’s leaning towards Illionaire. He likes their beats the most.   
  
They go out one by one to the outdoor pool area that overlooks the California landscape to rap in front the judges. The first three guys all flunk out right away, even though they all actually did pretty good. But there are only five spots available, so the judges are being way more selective this time around.   
  
Robbie gets called up fourth, and Bobby prays for him the entire time it takes him to get outside. They watch the proceedings on a screen set up in their waiting area, and Bobby feels sick to his stomach as he watches. Robbie appears confident in front of the judges though, they seem to like him.   
  
But midway through his verse he forgets his lyrics, and Bobby drops his head into his hands. After San E’s criticism in the first round, Robbie was conscious of all the English he used, and he’d been working to translate a lot of his English stuff into Korean lately. Clearly his brain hadn’t had enough time to memorize the Korean versions of lines, and it cost him in the end.   
  
He comes back in after his failure and sits down beside Bobby again, disappointment etched on his face. Bobby doesn’t know what to say to him. This whole thing had been Robbie’s idea. He’d gotten in his own way.   
  
Twenty guys get called before Bobby (three of them get those coveted plane tickets to Korea, and it’s made the rest of them waiting nervous). There are only two spots left. Bobby has to get one.   
  
He’s praying the entire walk out to poolside, praying that he doesn’t fuck up like Robbie did. Praying that what he’s got prepared is good enough for the judges.   
  
It’s not. He doesn’t fail outright like Robbie, but he also doesn’t get a plane ticket. He passes the round, but only by two judging teams. One of them isn’t Dok2. But what he does get is a lot of compliments, and advice that if he’d started out on fire the way he’d ended, he would have gotten an all pass at least, maybe even a ticket.   
  
It’s deflating and he’s disappointed in himself. How could he have come all this way and not make it? The producers don’t let any of them leave, even the guys who failed. Everyone’s around until the end, and Bobby can feel his dreams about the beach house for his parents slipping away every time someone else goes before the judges.   
  
The last contestant is up finally, and Bobby watches him with interest. There’s only one plane ticket left, and this last guy isn’t Korean. What happens when he doesn’t get selected? Do they only take four people over?   
  
Or is this why the producers didn’t let any of them leave? Is there some kind of sudden death match?   
  
The last guy doesn’t get the ticket, and the producers wait until everyone’s seated back in the waiting room before giving them the news.   
  
One ticket left. The judges are currently in talks, deciding what to do. They wait for nearly half an hour, and Bobby gets pummeled back and forth between highs and lows, expectations and realities.   
  
Okay, so he’d gotten a ton of praise and was told he could have been at the top had he not started out soft. But there are other guys who got all passes but didn’t get the plane ticket. Wouldn’t they pick one of them instead?   
  
The producer comes back with news. After spending some time looking over everyone again, the judges have selected two of them for a last minute competition, winner gets the plane ticket. The first name is a guy who only got passed by three of the judges, some heavily tattooed guy with a rough voice like Bobby’s. He figures that means that he’s out, since their styles are so similar.   
  
He’s wrong.   
  
Five minutes later and Bobby’s standing out by the pool again, adjusting his snapback nervously. It turns out that out of the four judges, the one who’d campaigned heavily for Bobby’s inclusion in the sudden death round was actually Dok2.   
  
The other guy’s older, so Bobby lets him rap first. His flow is hard and aggressive and his lyrics are rough, but he’s got a lot of English in his verse, and the Korean he does use is nothing exceptional. Bobby wonders if it’s something he actually prepared for today, or if it’s something else he picked from memory.   
  
Then it’s Bobby’s turn, and before he starts he looks at Dok2, who’s not giving anything away behind large sunglasses and an imposing posture. Bobby nods to the beat and thinks about that beach house with the painter’s room and professional kitchen, thinks about the expensive engagement ring. He has to do this. His family needs him.   
  
The words explode out of him, a freestyle about the struggle of growing up poor in a foreign country, and he raps about the beach house he wants to buy his parents. He remembers reading about Dok2’s past, how the producer also grew up poor, sacrificing his own youth to work for some small label writing music every hour of the day. Bobby hopes that maybe he’ll secure his spot by sharing his own similar story.   
  
He gets through the round with no errors and he feels amazing, he feels like he’s just delivered the best performance of his life. San E’s smiling, Tablo’s trying not to smile (and failing), and when Bobby faces his competitor, the other guy has a look of resigned loss in his eyes, like he knows that there’s no way they’ll pick him over Bobby.   
  
They don’t. Bobby gets the plane ticket, and right away tears come to his eyes, because that house is one step closer, it’s actually a possible reality now. The judges have nothing but compliments for him, and after looking stoically on during the performance portion, Dok2’s got nothing but a smile for Bobby now. Bobby’s not going to forget this lifeline when he makes it to Korea ( _to Korea,_ for the next round) and as soon as he gets back to the waiting room Robbie envelops him in a huge hug, screams in his ear about how it was all worth it, about how Bobby’s going to destroy everyone on the show.   
  
This is one of those times when he gladly lets Robbie get carried away, because he’s never felt such a high before, he’s never been so proud of himself. He did it. He’s going to do it, he can feel it.   
  
Two months later he’s tearing up at the airport, about to leave his parents for longer than a weekend for the first time in his eighteen years of life. He’ll be staying with an aunt in Seoul, who’s got her own restaurant. He hasn’t seen her in four years, and he’s excited to see family members he hasn’t seen in even longer. He’s going to miss his parents, though, and his brother. His mom’s in tears at the gate, and Bobby tries to tell her to stop crying, but instead he chokes on his own tears, can’t even bring himself to say goodbye.   
  
He’s got to do this, though. His family needs him.

* * *

The car ride to the venue feels unusually long, and Hanbin is certain it's because he's by himself. In the entirety of his time at YG he's never done anything alone before (except for the occasional “leader only” meetings he has with Yang). But he's alone this time, and his nerves are churning in his gut.

He misses Seungjae especially, feels guilty that he's here while his partner isn't. This entire thing was Seungjae's idea, after all. Hanbin didn't really want to do it to begin with, but Seungjae always had a way of talking him into things. What he hadn't expected, though, was Yang's decision to allow Hanbin to do the show—but not Seungjae.

“ _It's great for exposure. You're going to be busy over the summer with something else, but I think this would be a good experience for you. Unfortunately I don't think it's a good idea for Seungjae. To put it bluntly I don't trust his ability to police himself on a show like this, and I worry he'll say something that will get him in hot water._ ”

Seungjae had taken it better than Hanbin had expected him to, and he'd been the one who'd walked Hanbin down to the car this morning, giving him a tight hug and making him promise to do well, making him promise to give updates and take pictures of anyone famous.

Hanbin would give anything for Seungjae to come with him, but he understands where Yang’s coming from. He also agrees with the decision, though he’d never say it to Seungjae’s face. His Team B rap partner has always been a bit of a loose cannon and his mouth has gotten him into more trouble than it's gotten him out of.

But Seungjae is more of a people person than Hanbin is, he's better at making friends and talking to strangers. Hanbin's pretty terrible with new people. He's not too worried about performing in front of whoever ends up judging him (though he really hopes it's not Swings, because Hanbin remembers watching him win not too long ago and he's been a fan ever since) but what he is concerned about is having to spend his entire day at the audition with no one to talk to.

He assumes other contestants will know him, won't they? Not everyone, but enough to make him awkward about it. What if the people he ends up in line next to know him and don't like him? He doesn't want to have to spend his whole audition day walking on eggshells around guys who resent him for being there when he's already _famous_ . Doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of angry glares because he’s an _idol_.

He's pleasantly surprised with how it all turns out, though. More people know him than he expected (and he gets a lot of attention, especially from the girls) and he ends up in between two guys who are really friendly and not caught in the trappings of social awkwardness the way he is. His answers at first are short and curt, but by the time they're heading inside he's laughing and offering stories. He takes a picture with them and uploads it to the group chat before sending more personal updates to Seungjae and Jinhwan.

The nerves come back when he's inside and waiting for his turn. His mouth drops in shock as he watches Vasco, one of his favourite rappers, perform his own audition. He grew up listening to Vasco's music. How on earth is he supposed to compete with him?

The nerves don't subside for the rest of the wait, because while there are a lot of disastrous performances, there are also a lot of decent ones, and quite a few really good ones. For a moment he questions whether or not he should really be here. Then it's his turn to audition and he breathes a sigh of relief because it's not Swings judging him, but instead it's Dok2. He'd be more nervous if Tablo hadn't told him about the Illionaire CEO, hadn't reassured him that Dok2 would probably go easy on him if he got him, because he likes to support young artists.

Hanbin hypes himself up so much for the audition that he's barely even aware it's finally happening, not until he freezes mid-sentence and forgets everything.

But if there's one thing Hanbin is rather good at doing, it's digging himself out of disastrous situations. Instinct takes over and instead of shrinking under the shame of forgotten lyrics he delivers what's probably going to be viewed as an arrogantly freestyled verse, and in the moment Hanbin can't even remember what he actually said.

But Dok2 nods and hands him the chain and Hanbin feels like sinking down to the floor in relief, wants to hug him and kiss his feet and thank him for not failing him.

He doesn't though, he calmly adjusts the chain around his neck, wants to take a picture to upload to the group, but there's a strict ban on photos, so instead he leaves his phone in his pocket and manages to catch Wu's eye, who gives him a thumbs up. Hanbin smiles back at him, relieved for the little slice of home in the midst of all the chaos.

The second round of auditions go much better for him.

It's a smaller group and this time everyone will be giving an individual performance to the whole judging team. After discussing strategies with Seungjae, Hanbin has decided to give a cheeky performance, dissing the producer teams. He tests his rhymes on Seungjae, who gives him the all clear. Hanbin's feeling confident going into it.

But sitting around and waiting for his turn isn't the easiest. The remaining contestants are nowhere near as nice as the guys he met on the first day (none of whom survived the audition) and it's an extremely awkward affair. No one talks to him. He doesn't necessarily think it's because anyone hates him (though there are a few suspect personalities he catches glaring at him throughout the day) but everyone is focused and Hanbin's social ineptitude in situations like this prevent him from making conversation with anyone.

So he texts Seungjae, who's supposed to be training, and Hanbin kind of feels bad because as the leader he shouldn't be distracting Seungjae from his daily tasks. But the tension is thick in the audition hall, and he can't sit in silence anymore.

Seungjae sends him a scolding text about how he ought to be making friends, and when Hanbin pointedly ignores it, Seungjae Facetimes him just to wag his finger in Hanbin's face.

It's comforting, and Hanbin feels a little better after it. His life is too busy to be concerned with making friends right now. He's got his members. They're all he needs.

About halfway through the auditions is when the first hint of a problem springs up. They pipe everyone's auditions over the speakers, so they've been listening as each contestant performs. There's a guy in there now, Hanbin forgets his name, but he's been spouting hate at the fact that there's an _idol rapper_ here, and Hanbin can feel everyone's eyes on him as the other contestant goes off.

He knew it was bound to happen, sooner or later, and he expects that this one won't be the last. Now that someone has officially opened the floodgates, Hanbin's pretty confident that this won't be the last veiled insult or threat he hears today.

But he takes it in stride, reminds himself that he _is_ good enough to be here. Everyone will have their preconceived notions of him, and that's fine. He's here to tear those opinions down. He's here to show that he's not just _an idol who raps because he can't sing_. People might not be receptive to it right away, but that's fine.

When it's his turn he walks into it confidently, not concerned with the whispers and sniggers that chase him down the hall. Everyone will see in just a moment.

Maybe it's a sign that he's spent too much time training, because as soon as he steps onto the stage in front of the judges he feels more confident than he's felt all day. This is something he knows. This is something he's good at—presenting himself directly to judging staff and making a good impression. This is his occupation right now.

He greets them all politely and when Swings asks him about the verbal slight of the earlier contestant, Hanbin just smiles at him and gives a cheeky response— _ah, he must have been a Team A fan, so I hope he's anticipating Winner's debut in the coming months_ —Swings laughs outright, Tablo almost chokes on his water, and the smile on Dok2's face is enough to give Hanbin an extra boost of confidence.

He might be shit at making friends, but he's outstanding when it comes to making a good impression.

He starts his rap confidently and surprises the judges by jumping down off the platform and sitting casually. He might be on a rap show, but he's still a _performer_ by nature, and there's more to rapping than just delivering a good flow of words. He launches his attack on the judges and makes direct eye contact with all seven of them and no one looks bored with him—on the contrary they're all smiling and enjoying his performance.

He gets high praise when he's done and Swings in particular has Hanbin feeling like shouting out in joy— _I have to say I wasn't expecting much, since you're an idol rapper, but you really exceeded my expectations! Everyone back there should be worried about you_ —and when he leaves the room he can't help but let out a happy scream as he makes his way back to the hall where everyone else is sitting.

He specifically looks for the contestant that tried to diss him before, but Hanbin's not here to be intimidating, and instead of flashing the guy an arrogant smirk that says _did you hear that, Swings thinks I'm better than you_ , instead he just flashes him a happy smile.

No one else talks shit about him today.


	2. Round 1 - Meet the Americans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time the American and Korean competitors see each other on the show. 1v1 rounds to determine the top 26.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Hanbin's freestyle rap in this chapter is written by me. ♥
> 
> Also you'll be meeting Seungjae in this chapter, the OC who replaced Bobby as other the Team B rapper.

“Did you eat enough this morning, Jiwon-ie? Do you need me to stop and pick something up for you?”  
  
Bobby groans over his aunt’s fussing. It’s sweet, and she’s been wonderful to him so far. But he’s already nervous enough and she’s not making it any easier on him.  
  
“I’m fine, honestly, your cooking was perfect. I don’t need anything.” _Except for you to stop fretting over me!_  
  
“Ah I know, you must be getting annoyed with your auntie, aren’t you?” She asks him teasingly, reaching across the seat to pat his cheek. “I know you’ll do well today, but I’m still worried for you.”  
  
He smiles back at her and grabs her hand, squeezing her fingers. “I know you are, and I appreciate it. I’d be lost if I was here without you.” The comment makes her blush and that makes Bobby feel good. His aunt doesn’t have any kids of her own. She tried, but two miscarriages in had her giving up. Bobby can tell that she’s elated to have him for the summer, loves having someone around to spoil. It makes the separation from his mother a little easier.  
  
“Well, here we are. Send me updates whenever you can, okay?”  
  
“I will, I promise. I don’t know how long the taping will go, but you’ll probably still be working when I’m done. I’ll let you know, though.” She leans forward to give him a peck on the cheek and he feels grateful to her again for being so supportive of him. Then he’s out of the car and standing in the parking lot.  
  
It's the day Bobby's both been looking forward to but dreading—the first round where he's going to meet his Korean competitors. He makes his way inside, meeting up with one of the producers, who ushers him into a room with the other four who made it through in LA. Everyone's looking pretty confident. Bobby's wearing a mask to hide the nerves beneath, and he wonders if the others are really as confident as they appear? Or are they all full of churning apprehension on the inside, just like he is?

The five of them sit around for a bit, chatting about their trips here, wondering how they're going to be introduced. The other contestants are already with the judges, and all they've been told is that they're going to be introduced separately.

The introduction is actually a bit awkward, and it makes Bobby rather self-conscious. The producers make a big deal out of the fact that they came from the US, as though they're supposed to be so much better than everyone else. That makes them targets right off the bat, and no one's giving them a smile.

Then the producers explain what this next stage is. They're splitting everyone up into groups based on their rankings from the judges. Bobby's face goes sour at that—he'd forgotten that he only passed with two group approvals, and after the way the producers hyped them all up, he's embarrassed at the fact that he's not appearing in the top ranked group. Everyone gives him a weird look when they see him placed in the second-to-last group, and for a second he feels intimidated by the whole process.

But then he remembers his family and Robbie's family, and he thinks about how excited his aunt is to have him for the summer, and he gets his worries under control. They're going to play each group a beat and let each of them freestyle over top of it. Bobby's feeling confident about it, he loves freestyling. He just needs to remember not to rely on English too much, but he's been brushing up on his Korean vocabulary ever since he got his plane ticket. He's ready for this. He's going to show everyone that he should have been in the top group.

Things are relaxed for the rappers with top rank badges on their chests, and Hanbin's feeling pretty good too. Or at least as good as he can hope to be, because his head is still reeling over the bombshell from two weeks ago.

When Yang had told him _you'll be busy over the summer with something else_ Hanbin hadn't thought for one second that the mystery something had meant a new survival show. Mix  & Match. Two new members now he's been having to think about, two new people who are so painfully far behind Team B that Hanbin wants to laugh (because laughing is better than crying, and he's been so frustrated with the additions that it's been a struggle to not break down).

Coming to this taping is a much needed breath of fresh air, it's a day for him to try and focus on himself, to find his balance and re-centre himself after being out of sorts for the past two weeks. He feels terrible about leaving the others, but he needed a break. Maybe leaving Chanwoo and Jinhyeong with Donghyuk and Jinhwan to practice dancing for a day without him breathing down their necks will be good for the new kids.

He hopes so, at least.

It feels good right now, though, to be standing with the elite group. He won't be cocky and say that _this is where he should be_ because he knows for a fact that there are even people in the bottom-ranked group who probably could be in the top group had they not screwed up, or had they made a better beat choice.

He knows that he stands out from most of the others, but he doesn't delude himself into thinking it's because he's a better rapper. His advantage in the competition is on _performance_ , on selling himself. He knows his strengths and he knows how to play to them in the best way possible because he has to do exactly that every single month. There are guys here who are better rappers than he is, but he doubts any of them are better performers.

Besides, it's hard to really focus on himself doing well when he's in a group performing with someone like _Vasco_ . Just looking at him is giving Hanbin goosebumps. He still hasn't been able to greet him properly yet, though of course he's done a formal greeting. He wants to tell Vasco that he's a huge fan of his, but at the same time he doesn't want to look like a dumb kid freaking out over meeting his favourite. He’s always worried Vasco won’t take him seriously because he’s an _idol_ , so the last thing he wants to do is look like he’s trying to kiss ass. Instead he'll say nothing. He'll get his opportunity.

The most interesting part of today is the appearance of the five Americans. Going on looks alone, no one really stands out to him, though he is curious about the guy who placed near the bottom. Were the American competitors so poor they took someone who half-failed? Or did he suffer from a lousy choice, but the producers recognized the underlying skill? Hanbin's most curious about him.

The production staff give them a few minutes to gather themselves in preparation for the impromptu freestyle session, and Hanbin surveys the groups, eyes flitting around to take everyone in. In particular he's looking for the guy who tried to diss him in the second round (Olltii was his name) and sees him over in the three pass group, and to Hanbin's surprise Olltii is staring hard at him. Hanbin just smiles politely at him and moves on, not wanting to give him the impression that he could be intimidated.

The producers select the one pass group to be the first ones up, and Hanbin feels a little bad for them because it is tough to go into something like this without much preparation. They don't even know what beat they'll be rapping over.

He hangs back with the rest of his group to watch, paying attention to each performer. After all, the whole point of this performance is to let them all see each other, because after this is over they'll be pairing up in groups of two in order to compete against each other for a spot in the top 26.

Most of the bottom group does as poorly as expected, though a few of them surprise him, but no one worries him. Next up the producers call for the three pass group, and everyone perks up a bit, because there are definitely competitors to watch out for here.

Hanbin pays attention to Olltii, and to no one's surprise he talks shit about Hanbin being here again. Hanbin can feel eyes on him at Olltii's lines and he does his best to keep himself composed. The slight felt personal in the last round, but after talking about it with Seungjae, Hanbin is convinced that Olltii's only doing it as a way to ensure he gets screen time. Hanbin can't blame him for it, really. It's a smart tactic.

What he doesn't expect, though, is that Olltii's not the only one. A total of four of the three star group rappers diss Hanbin (though none of them do quite as good as Olltii) but Hanbin's not bothered. It was inevitable, really. People will do anything to try and secure screen time.

Originally he wasn't planning on addressing anyone with his rap today, but he strings together a few lines in his head while they're waiting, and he wonders if he shouldn't diss back? They're probably not expecting him to, and it's such a risk, foregoing all the different verses he's got in his head already.

But it _would_ make a statement. Maybe earn him a little unexpected respect? And it’s not like this stage matters that much in the long run. The judges aren’t judging them on this particular moment. This stage is for _each other._

While Hanbin's contemplating his verse, Bobby is just contemplating the scene. He felt bad for everyone in the first group, many of whom looked nervous in general, and he understands all too well the shame of being ranked low. But then he watches the performances of the second tier group, and he's curious after he hears a few of them address one contestant in particular, some guy they call an idol who's in the top ranked group. Bobby doesn't know what they mean by _idol_. Whenever he hears the term he actually thinks about religious idols, and he knows that's not what they're talking about. Then he thinks about the American Idol tv program, and wonders if they have something similar in Korea. Did this guy win Korean Idol, or something?

Bobby doesn't even know which one he is, and he goes through each contestant in the top ranked group individually out of curiosity, but no one screams _different_ to him in the way the disses imply. Bobby doesn't want to ask anyone, because he doesn't want to seem that interested. He'll probably find out when the top ranked group raps.

For now he just has to keep his wits about him and wait for his turn. He knows people probably aren’t expecting much, since he’s ranked near the bottom, and he can’t wait to show the others who he truly is.

The second tier group finishes, and to no one’s surprise the production staff picks his group to go next. Bobby had contemplated going first, but then he decided that maybe he’d be generous instead and let the others perform before him. He’s not usually so cocky, but after hearing the bottom group (and seeing how nervous some of the rappers in his group are) Bobby’s feeling out of place amongst them with his confidence.

So he elects to go last and he waits. His group is a mixed bag—half dismal, a few decent, and two really good rappers who quickly prove that they belonged in a higher ranking group. Bobby plans to outshine them, though.

Hanbin watches the two star group, taking mental notes about each rapper, but he’s waiting for the American, curious about him. All four other of the Americans are in the top group with him, so this one is going to be first one they hear. He calmly waits until the end of the group before taking the mic, and Hanbin knows he’s not the only one interested.

The first thing Hanbin notices is his voice. He’s got a great voice, great tone, deep and strong. It’s the kind of voice that Hanbin envies, because it’s so much easier to sound cool with that kind of tone. His own is higher, more nasal, and he always has to be conscious about how he raps because it’s so easy for his voice to come out sounding terrible.

On top of the good voice this guy’s got pretty decent flow, and while his lyrics could use some work, he does have exceptional lines buried in between just decent ones. But the thing that stands out about him the most is his presence. He’s got a fantastic presence when he raps, there’s an energy about him that makes you pay attention.

It’s a sort of natural charisma that could rival Hanbin’s own. That’s the main thing he wants to avoid in the upcoming battle. He’s not concerned about better rappers, he’s concerned about performance.

He adds Bobby’s name to the short list of competitors to avoid at all costs. He’s not sure how far he’ll make it, but he thinks that, given the right producer team, Bobby could go far on this show.

He’s the last for his group and Hanbin joins the others in their applause. He still has to decide quickly what he wants to do for his own verse. Go with what he’d prepared? Freestyle a response to the disses of today? He looks around the room a final time, makes eye contact with Olltii.

There’s a challenge in the gaze directed back at him, and Hanbin makes a split second decision.

Freestyle response it is.

The production staff tell his group they’re up and everyone looks at each other, a silent process of deciding who’s going to go first. Normally he’d secede to his training in the idol business, he’d step aside and let those senior to him have their go.

Not today.

He’s got to do this while the fire is fresh in his brain, while he can still feel the embers in Olltii’s glare on his skin.

Fuck the whole lot of them—this is Hanbin’s game right now.

While everyone’s still eyeing each other, Hanbin steps forward and approaches the mic and he can see the looks of surprise on some faces, doesn’t bother looking behind him at the others in his group.

Time to shine.

 _Now I know in your eyes I’m just an idol_  
_Never thought of me as a potential rival_  
_You think I’m here cause I feel entitled_  
_You think I’m jealous of your bullshit beats recycled?_  
_Go ahead talk shit with your weak ass rhyme_  
_Keep my name on your lips if you want screen time_  
_Wanna curse me out with three stars on your chest?_ _  
Go sit your ass down cause I ain’t impressed_

Bobby’s feeling excellent after his performance and his expression is bright with everyone’s eyes on him. Definitely showed that he belonged in the top group. In a way maybe it was good that he’d placed a bit lower, because it ensured everyone paid him more attention when he rapped. If he’d been in the top group, he’d have been one more great rapper amongst all the others. This way he got to show off first.

He’s interested to hear the top group and stands back with the others to pay attention. He recognizes a few faces from his research (the main one being Vasco) but he doesn’t recognize the kid who reaches for the mic first.

It’s apparent though, from his rap, that this one must be _the idol_ . Bobby still doesn’t know exactly what that means, but he has to say he’s impressed. The guy’s got stage presence for sure--in fact Bobby thinks he might even be the first one today who’s actually making a point of making eye contact with them all. His rhymes are entertaining and smart and his pronunciation is super crisp. All of this from a _freestyle_ as well, because Bobby’s certain there’s no way he prepared this beforehand, not with the way the guy responds directly to comments made just now.

For the first time today, Bobby makes a note that this is someone he _needs_ to avoid at the early stage of the competition.

Hanbin finishes his rap with a 90 degree bow (not out of honest respect, but to be sarcastic) before handing the mic off to whoever reaches for it next. He _killed it_ , and he’s got a smile on his face that says exactly that. He looks for Olltii and is surprised at the expression on the other guy’s face. Despite his vitriolic rap about idols earlier, Olltii’s actually got a smile that looks impressed.

Hanbin gets the distinct feeling then that maybe this whole thing was twofold? A chance for Olltii to ensure he gets airtime, and a chance to actually test Hanbin and see what he’s really made of. He’s suddenly feeling grateful to him because had he not responded to the disses, his prepared verse might not have made the impact that his freestyle did.

Things just have a way of working out for him, it seems.

When everyone's done the show producers tell them that they’re going to begin selecting partners for their 1 vs 1 battle, and they’ll be doing it by lottery draw. Hanbin’s feeling pretty confident about his chances. A few rounds go and none of the match ups are too exciting (mostly really good rappers vs terrible ones, or terrible vs terrible) but then Olltii’s name is drawn and he struts up to the stage.

“Olltii, let’s have a quick chat before you make your choice,” the host says, beckons him closer, “you’re making a name for yourself as someone who’s very outspoken against idol rappers. Care to give your thoughts on that performance from earlier?”  
  
Hanbin watches them, knows the show is probably asking him for a soundbite. Unlike the majority of the guys here, Hanbin is well-versed in show production. He made poor choices in front of the cameras on a few occasions during the production of WIN, choices that garnered him something of a negative reputation. That’s why he’s intent on being very careful in front of the cameras this time. He can’t afford to be hated on this show.  
  
Olltii takes a second to look out over the group before he replies. “I still think idol rappers are shit. But I have to admit that I was a little surprised, earlier.” Olltii looks around for Hanbin, grins when he finds him. “I didn’t think YG taught classes in freestyling.”  
  
Everyone laughs and Hanbin just smiles. He’s hyper aware of the cameras, knows they’re probably on him right now. Knows that he’s going to have to pay them mind for the rest of the taping because now that Olltii’s gone and addressed him directly, the producers could use any reaction he gives today as a response to Olltii’s comments, and viewers would never know.  
  
“I will grudgingly admit that I am just a little impressed with our idol. Originally I was planning to select him for this round, but I think I’d rather give him a breather, hope he makes it to the show so he and I can battle each other in a more important round.”  
  
Hanbin has to fight not to laugh at the sheer gall of Olltii’s comments. He’s grateful, though. Olltii’s exaggerated beef with him isn’t only good for himself—it’s equally as good for Hanbin. People live for drama on these sorts of shows. Hanbin is more than willing to deliver it to them.  
  
Olltii selects some no name opponent that he’ll destroy, and Hanbin isn’t surprised, and he knows Olltii isn’t dodging him now out of intimidation--he’s trying to build himself a storyline and a fan base to improve his chances of being selected for a team. Very intelligent, and Hanbin is impressed with the plan. Hanbin watches as Bobby, the American he’d been interested in, calls out his competitor. It’s someone that he should easily beat, in Hanbin’s opinion.

Two competitors later and finally Hanbin is challenged, and it’s one of the three star group rappers who dissed him. The guy says that unlike other opponents of idols, he’s not afraid to take Hanbin on now.

That’s perfectly fine in Hanbin’s opinion. He’ll destroy this guy no problem.

* * *

Destruction is exactly what happens later on. They decide on a beat choice and Hanbin is exceptionally polite to his competitor despite the frosty reception he gets. That’s fine, though, because Hanbin is used to having cameras rolling in his face during potential struggles, and he’s very careful in how he portrays himself in front of that camera. He makes pointed commentary that emphasizes his own professionalism versus his competitor’s obvious amateur behaviour. He almost can’t believe how well he’s able to use the situation to make himself look good.

They present themselves to the judges and Hanbin beams a smile at Tablo and Wu, who try not to smile too brightly back at him. They’re the only two on the producer team that know about his current struggles with Mix & Match, and he wants them to know he’s got this under control.

They start their battle and Hanbin has politely allowed his competitor to go first, and even though there’s supposed to be animosity between them, Hanbin remembers enough of the other guy’s rap to be able to offer him support, adlibing accent beats. The other guy gives him a look that’s clearly annoyed, and it only spurs Hanbin on even more.

Then it’s his turn, and unlike Hanbin (who showed a professional edge by treating it like a team thing) this guy ignores Hanbin’s verse and offers no support at all. Hanbin doesn’t need it, of course, and he focuses on the judges anyway, holding eye contact and endearing himself with his charisma.

It’s obvious they’re more into his verse, and his competitor knows it. They finish and Hanbin gives a full bow to the producers (and one to his opponent) before standing up straight again with an elated smile on his face.

They don’t take long to make their decision, and The Quiett is the one who gets up to give him his snapback for passing the round. Before he leaves, though, they ask him about his plans for which team he’d like to work with.

It’s something he’s put a lot of thought into ever since he passed the second round. YDG is decidedly too abstract for his personal tastes, and while he likes the Illionaire judges (and is still grateful to Dok2 for passing him in the first round despite his screw up) he doesn’t really think their trap beats are suited to his style.

He’d like to work with Swings simply from a fan perspective, and San E would be a great mentor as well in terms of lyricism. But the smart choice is to stay with YG, even though he knows everyone will just think he’s being safe.

But these are artists he shares a label with, and as much as he likes Swings, he doubts he’d ever have the chance to work with him again after the show ends. Tablo, though? He’s been dying to work with him already as it is. But he’s still a trainee with debut barely in sight, and he knows if he makes a good impression on the show, Tablo would be more willing to think about him when they get back to YG for future projects.

“Ah, to be honest I really want to work with Tablo hyung and Wu hyung.” He says it with a bashful smile (both for the producer’s sake and the camera’s) and he grins when Tablo reacts in surprise.

“Hanbin-ah, you can see me at work!” Tablo laughs a little as he replies, and Hanbin fixes him with a slight frown.

“But hyung, I _don't_ see you at work.” That line makes the other producers burst into laughter, and Tablo grins back at him. Point made.

A little while later and Bobby’s up against his opponent, and he passes easily over a stumbling competitor. The producers ask him about who he wants to work with, and after giving a safe answer that he’d be honoured to work with all of them, they press him into being specific and he answers that as of now, he has a slight preference for team Illionaire. Dok2 and The Quiett share a look and Bobby hopes it’s a good sign when they both nod at one another.

They’re allowed to leave after they finish, and while Hanbin heads back to his team members for a long night of training for their upcoming assessment, Bobby finds himself with a free night and nothing to do. But he runs into a few of the other competitors who’ve passed, and Bobby is surprised when they ask him if he’d like to go out for a celebratory meal and drink with them. He agrees, glad for the invitation.

He recognizes Olltii, the one who’d called out the idol he was impressed by. There’s another guy who was also pretty well known, C Jamm, some underground rapper that everyone likes. He doesn’t know the names of the other guys, but he’ll learn them by the night’s end, he’s sure.

* * *

Hanbin is feeling completely recharged by the time he gets back to the training centre, eager to get back to his members and share his good news. He’s also feeling re-energized to work on the newbies, certain his mind is fresh enough to help them out.

He stops on the way to pick up some snacks, though, because he hates showing up empty handed when he’s been away. When he arrives he waits outside before going in, silently watching as everyone’s working on the group dance routine.

Jinhwan is leading the practice, and Hanbin watches it with a critical eye, looking specifically at the new guys. But they’re doing decent, better than the day before to a noticeable degree. He wants to think that’s because he wasn't there, wants to hope it was due to Jinhwan and Donghyuk’s help. It’s not that he wants to think that his hawklike watching is a detriment to anyone. It’s more that he wants the others to prove themselves, wants them to show how much they’re _all_ needed.

Despite this being another survival, Hanbin knows that he’s obviously safe. He’s the leader, the team can’t happen without him. But he wants his members to have every chance to show how important they are, because they’re the ones who need to prove something still.

After they finish getting through it once he finally opens the door and enters, and it feels like coming home to a happy family with the way they’re all greeting him with smiles. Donghyuk actually rushes over to give him a hug and to say how much he missed him. It warms Hanbin’s heart because he knows that Donghyuk’s not talking him up. He probably _did_ miss him.

“Ah, hyung missed you too!” He replies and pulls him in for a hug. “How about the rest of you?” Hanbin asks cheekily.

“I don’t know about everyone else but I really enjoyed you being gone for the day.” Junhoe greets him cheekily, and Hanbin laughs at him. Unlike Donghyuk, Junhoe _is_ just talking him up.

“Junhoe is the one we all really need a break from!” Seungjae replies, and he comes over to stand in front of Hanbin, reaching out to tug on his snapback. “What’s this? You didn’t leave home wearing this. Is it a participation hat?” Seungjae’s teasing him, but he can tell by Hanbin’s good mood what is really means.

“Yeah hyung, you passed, right? You made it?” Donghyuk’s reaching out to touch the hat too, and Hanbin feels happier than he’s felt in a long time. This summer’s going to be tough, but as he looks around the room and sees the adoring eyes of his members on him (even Junhoe, try as he might to maintain an aloof atmosphere) he knows it’s going to be worth it.

They make it worth it.

“Of course I passed!” He tells them, and they all sit together to share the snacks he brought back while he tells them about his day.

“Did Olltii try to diss you again?” Seungjae asks, and Hanbin grins at him.

“He did, but he wasn’t the only one. I think you were right, he’s using me for screen time.”

“Wow, whatever happened to just getting by on your own merit?” Jinhwan asks.

“Nah, he’s smart, I don’t blame him. There’s a lot of good guys there, and he’s not really known too much. You have to do whatever you can. Besides, he’s really good, and it actually helps me to have a rivalry too. I did an awesome freestyle today after a couple of them dissed me, and I think that’s what Olltii was actually looking for, to see if I had legit talent or not.”

“Oh, was he impressed with you after?” Seungjae asks, because he understands better than the others. Dissing isn’t always personal in the rap game.

“Looked it. We had to pick opponents after, and the host asked him about me, but he said he wants to wait and face me later on in the show.”

“Pretty much trying to guarantee he gets passed just for a good storyline!” Seungjae replies, and Hanbin grins back at him.

“That is pretty smart, actually. I’m sure the production staff will be hoping he makes it after that.” Junhoe seems to get it too, and Hanbin is just happy to be able to discuss everything with them. It helps to have them.

“How were the Americans, hyung?” Donghyuk asks, and Hanbin talks about them all, and even after seeing the others, he still thinks Bobby has the best chance on the show.

“I’m happy you’re doing well, Binnie!” Seungjae says, crumpling up the bag of chips he’d just polished off and throwing the resulting ball at Hanbin’s head.

“Thanks, Jae.” Hanbin throws it back at him, and they spend another ten minutes goofing around before Hanbin corrals them back to work.

But everyone’s got an extra spring in their step after their playful break, even the new guys, and Hanbin makes sure to compliment them on their much improved form from the day before. They both smile shyly and thank him for the compliments, and Jinhwan smiles at him in a proud sort of way. It just reinforces Hanbin’s positive feelings about everything.

It’s a heavy workload, but he can handle it.


	3. Round 2 - Team Selection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team producer concert & team selection. Bobby and Hanbin finally talk to each other!

“Alright bro listen, I gotta go, I’m at the venue now,” Bobby’s on the phone with Robbie, who’s just getting home after a late night out partying with friends.  
  
“Your first Korean hip hop concert! I’m fuckin’ jealous, man.”   
  
Bobby can hear it in Robbie’s voice, and as happy as he is, he’d give anything for Robbie to be here with him. “Yeah man I can’t wait, it’s gonna be hype.”   
  
“Text me a rundown of how it goes! Call you later.” They say their goodbyes and Bobby puts his phone away, takes a deep breath as he stands outside the venue. He’s just about to go in when someone slaps him on the back.   
  
“Eyy Bobby!” It’s Woosung (stage name Olltii, the guy who dissed the idol). Bobby greets him with a smile. He’s hung out with Woosung a few times after the last taping, grateful when the offer came about. Woosung thinks they’re the same age, because when he’d asked Bobby how old he was, Bobby had forgotten to give his Korean age and had instead given his international age, which is the same as Woosung’s Korean age.   
  
He hasn’t had the heart to correct himself. Having spent the past ten years in the US he’s not so caught up in the whole Korean age thing, anyway. It’s confusing.   
  
“Let’s get in there, get ourselves a good spot!” Woosung leads the way and Bobby follows. He’s still just slightly awkward around everyone, because there are a lot of social norms in Korea that he’s forgotten over the years. Woosung is also super personable (in fact Bobby finds him just a little arrogant and slightly obnoxious, but it’s oddly charming) so being around him is an easy way for Bobby to get to know the others.   
  
While Bobby is climbing the stairs with Woosung, Hanbin is already perched at the railing, his heart racing in his chest.   
  
He’s standing next to Vasco, and he hasn’t managed to make a fool of himself yet. Granted, Vasco is busy with his array of fan boys _,_ including underground rapper C Jamm (who’s constantly been trying to make eye contact with Hanbin, but Hanbin keeps looking away). He’s seen C Jamm hanging around with Olltii, and Hanbin really isn’t looking to make fake friends with guys who might just be looking for diss fodder for later on in the show.   
  
His heart stops when Vasco turns to him.   
  
“Did your label ban you from talking to people?” Vasco asks teasingly, and Hanbin can feel his cheeks heat up.   
  
Oh God, Vasco addressed him directly. What to say?! How to act?!   
  
He smiles politely back and barely manages to stop himself from bowing. “I apologize if that’s how I’m coming across.” Vasco grins at him and Hanbin is cursing himself mentally. Could he have said anything lamer?!   
  
“Don’t apologize! Who are we, anyway? You’re used to being around mega stars like G Dragon, we’re probably nobodies to you.” Vasco is still teasing him but Hanbin can’t stand it.   
  
“Ah hyung, I’ve actually been a very big fan of yours for almost my entire life,” Hanbin manages to blurt out before reeling himself back in. _Oh God! How awkward!_   
  
Vasco frowns and shakes his head. “Did you hear that?” He moans to the person standing next to him (who turns out to be Geegooin, one third of Rhythm Power, another one of Hanbin’s favourites) _“almost my entire life_ the kid said!”   
  
Geegooin leans over to stare at Hanbin. “How old are you?”   
  
Hanbin forces himself to stare back (even though he kind of wants to run away in shame). “Eighteen.”   
  
Geegooin and Vasco share a pained look before laughing.   
  
“You’re just a baby!” Vasco says before throwing an arm around Hanbin’s shoulders (Hanbin’s hand finds its way to his chest, mostly to make sure his heart is still beating). “I’m honoured that a future megastar of the Korean music scene is such a big fan of mine.”   
  
Hanbin knows he’s blushing and he’s glad it’s dark. It’s a little embarrassing, how excited he feels to hear Vasco saying that. Of course he could always just be talking shit ( _he’s probably talking shit_ ), but Hanbin would rather believe he’s being sincere. “I wouldn’t quite go that far, I still have a lot to learn about music.”   
  
Vasco gives him a look before speaking. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” he says sternly, and Hanbin is a little taken aback at the censure. But then the older rapper smiles warmly at him. “Doesn’t your CEO call you the next G Dragon?”   
  
Hanbin’s cheeks are flushed again. How does Vasco even _know_ about that? “I wish he wouldn’t,” he replies, and though he’s normally very careful about how he phrases his answers to questions like this, it’s hard to think straight with Vasco in his face, “it’s an impossible expectation to live up to.”   
  
Vasco rubs his back and gives him an almost sad sort of smile. “Well, after hearing that wicked freestyle you threw down on the last show, I think there’s probably some truth to his expectations.” Vasco pats his shoulder before turning back to the others, and Hanbin just stares blankly at the crowd below.   
  
He’s in a state of shock. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said he’d been a fan for almost his entire life (okay really it’s only half his life, but no one has a good grasp on music as a child anyway, so what he said sticks). Vasco dropped his first album in 2004, and Hanbin actually remembers listening to it non-stop in the car with his parents, remembers how his mom would always tease his dad by talking about how she thought Vasco was cute.   
  
And now Vasco just _complimented him_ and Hanbin feels like his head might explode.   
  
He ignores everyone and takes out his phone, opening a chat with Seungjae because he needs to freak out for a moment.   
  
_Bin: jaejaejaejaejaejaejaejae_   
_Bin: holyfuckfuuuuuck_   
_Bin: hyungwheruuuuuuuuuu_   
_Jae: whooooa bro what????_   
_Bin: vasco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_   
_Jae: what ? ? ?_   
_Bin: vasco_   
_Jae: yes??_   
_Bin: complimented_   
_Bin: me_   
_Jae: excuse me gotta wipe a tear from my eye_   
_Bin: v a s c o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_   
_Jae: what a cutie did u hug him???_   
_Bin: fuckofficantbelieve… hessonice!!!!!_   
_Jae: u big nerd_   
_Jae: get a grip_   
_Bin: :))))))))))))))_   
_Jae: nerd giant nerd_   
_Jae: cute nerd tho what a little fanboy_   
_Bin: fuckuhyung_   
_Jae: what a baby_   
_Bin: shutup_   
_Jae: did he touch u???_   
_Bin: yes_   
_Jae: awwww babybin hyung is so happy for u!!_   
_Bin: goodBYE_   
  
Hanbin slips his phone back in his pocket and feels calmer after getting the excitement out. Seungjae will undoubtedly tease him mercilessly once he gets back, but Hanbin doesn’t mind. It’s worth it. He’s still quiet and calm as more of the others show up, and it’s not until someone nudges him that he focuses on the present again. Vasco is off on the other side of the balcony now, chatting with some other guys. The person who nudged Hanbin’s arm is one of the Americans. Bobby.   
  
“Hey, how’s it goin’?”   
  
Hanbin stares at him blankly for a second, almost like Bobby’s question doesn’t register. He hasn’t spoken to Bobby yet, it’s their first time talking. Hanbin remembers his real first impression from the low timbre of Bobby’s voice. It sounds just as nice when he’s talking as it does when he’s rapping, and Hanbin can’t help the twinge of jealousy.   
  
He nods politely to Bobby. “Good. How are you?”   
  
Bobby nods back at him. “Good. Looking forward to tonight, I’m not really that familiar with any of the producers.”   
  
Hanbin frowns without meaning to. How could anyone not be familiar with the producer teams? Even if Bobby is an American, he should have familiarized himself with the rappers before coming. But he stops himself before saying anything. Maybe Bobby’s just trying to make conversation?   
  
“Well, they’re all really great rappers, so it’ll be a good show.” Even though his comment is slightly dismissive, Bobby doesn’t move away, and Hanbin feels just a bit awkward with the situation. He’s not good at talking to strangers, and Bobby makes it even worse.   
  
“Who are you looking forward to seeing?” Bobby asks, because he’s desperate for the conversation to continue. Woosung is off with C Jamm (Bobby keeps forgetting his real name, and he’s too embarrassed to ask) while Bobby has decided to instead keep his prime spot on the balcony.   
  
Hanbin glances back at Bobby before answering. “I’m a really big fan of Swings, and San E is really good.” He looks back at the stage, feeling awkward but forcing himself to keep talking. “I’m excited to watch Tablo hyung as well. I know we’re signed to the same label, but I rarely ever get to see him.”   
  
Bobby isn’t sure he’s heard correctly—did Hanbin just say that he’s signed to the same label as Tablo? Tablo, the Stanford graduate? Hanbin is familiar enough with him to casually refer to him as his hyung? Maybe he should do a bit of research on Hanbin.   
  
“You’re at the same label as Tablo and Masta Wu?” Bobby asks, just for the conversation to continue.   
  
Hanbin gives him an almost confused look before he realizes that Bobby probably has no idea who he is outside of a fellow competitor. For some reason that makes him feel better about talking to him. “Yeah, I’ve been a trainee at YG for about three and a half years, now. I hadn’t really ever gotten to talk to Tablo hyung until last year. I still don’t see him that often, but I really look up to him.”   
  
Bobby isn’t sure why, but he feels like the admission was a big thing for Hanbin to say. He smiles back at him and leans on the railing. “As soon as I heard he was a Stanford graduate, I’ve felt super intimidated by him. He must be really smart.”   
  
Hanbin starts talking about Tablo and Bobby just listens. It’s a little weird, if he thinks about it. Not that he’s in the habit of giving weight to other people’s opinions, but he’d heard so many comments about Hanbin already, so many guys assuming he was arrogant, but Bobby actually doesn’t get a single negative vibe from him. He’s reserved, for sure, but now that Bobby has found a topic of conversation that Hanbin is only too happy to talk about, he actually seems almost sort of cute. Bobby can tell from the way he talks that Hanbin really does admire Tablo, it comes out in his tone and the look in his eyes. Bobby’s happy to get to see this side of him.   
  
He makes a decision at that very moment. He wants to become friends with Hanbin. Maybe his reserved and standoffish attitude is just the result of being shut up in his company for so long. Maybe he’s just really shy and isn’t good at talking to people he doesn’t know.   
  
Regardless, Bobby’s gut instinct is telling him that Hanbin is someone worth getting to know.   
  
And maybe, just maybe, Bobby feels a little caught up in his smile. There’s something inherently attractive about Hanbin when he’s relaxed and unguarded, and Bobby feeds off of people like that. So he makes sure he doesn’t move from his spot next to Hanbin for the whole night, and even when the other guys crowd them at the railing during hype songs, Bobby makes sure he ends up squished into Hanbin’s side.   


* * *

  
At the end of the show Bobby just stands at the railing with a huge smile plastered to his face. That’s what he wants. He wants that energy, wants to perform for a crowd and get hyped up with them, wants to feel like he’s partying with a full crowd of people, wants them hanging off his every word.   
  
He looks beside him, his eyes raking over Hanbin’s face. Hanbin’s got a dreamy expression too, and when he turns his head to look at him and their eyes catch for a few seconds, Bobby is pretty sure he’s going to have this part of the night etched into his brain for the foreseeable future. Hanbin’s smile goes a little shy when he looks away, and Bobby just wants to hug him.   
  
But Woosung’s on his other side and he interrupts the moment.   
  
“So what did you think? Who was your favourite?”   
  
Bobby notices Hanbin turn away the moment he hears Woosung’s voice, and he curses his new friend for the timing. “Man, I don’t know, I enjoyed them all. It’s hard to pick a favourite.”   
  
“I think the YG stage was my favourite.” Woosung replies, and Bobby notices the way it makes Hanbin stiffen. “I’d like to be a of blend of Tablo and Wu. Take Tablo’s poetry and add Wu’s _fuck you_ attitude, that’s how I like to envision myself.”   
  
Bobby nods and sees Hanbin shake his head out of the corner of his eye, and he hates feeling like he’s stuck in the middle. He understands why Hanbin is ruffled by Woosung, but he also knows that Woosung isn’t really the jerk he portrays himself as. He can’t really pick sides, though. Woosung was his first friend here, while he might not even get to hang out with Hanbin outside of the show.   
  
Still. Bobby’s not going to give up.   
  
“You made up your mind about which team you’re going to pick?” Woosung asks as they begin to make their way down from the observation deck of the venue, being herded into the back area for the next part of the taping. Bobby ends up walking down the stairs next to Woosung, Hanbin having fallen in behind them. They could squeeze in tighter so Hanbin could walk next to them, but Bobby isn’t sure if that’ll just make them all feel awkward, so he doesn’t.   
  
“I think so,” he replies to Woosung’s question, “I really enjoyed all of them, but I think Illionaire fits the best with my style.”   
  
Woosung nods before glancing back at Hanbin. “And where’s the little idol going to go? Would your label even let you work with someone else, or did they threaten Tablo and Wu to take you through?”   
  
Hanbin stiffens at the question and Bobby is surprised that he doesn’t let the jab run him deeper. Insead Hanbin just smiles politely and retorts that he’s allowed to make his own choices on the show. Woosung rolls his eyes and directs his attention back to Bobby as he starts to ramble on about the other producer teams.   
  
Once they make it to the waiting area Bobby makes sure that Hanbin stays by his side even though Woosung is still rambling on. Hanbin had tried to move away, but in a fit of momentary bravery Bobby had reached out and grabbed his arm and they’d both shared a look before Hanbin had smiled and stayed where he was.   
  
Bobby just likes having him near. It’s not that he doesn’t like Woosung, because he does, but Hanbin has a different energy. He’s calmer, and Bobby craves it because his own stomach is a mess of mottled nerves. In fact the more he looks at Hanbin, the more surprised he is. Hanbin doesn’t even seem like he’s nervous. Maybe he’s just good at hiding it.   
  
Just as Bobby suspects—Hanbin is good at hiding his nerves, because underneath his calm exterior he’s sort of a wreck. Of course after dealing with WIN, this is nothing. But it’s also different, because for the first time he’s being judged solely on himself. When he’s in his group he’s not ashamed to admit that he’s better than the others. He’d never say it out loud, of course, and he doesn’t act like it. But he’d be a poor pick as leader if his teammates outshone him.   
  
But if he fails here, it’s entirely on himself, and that thought terrifies him as much as it excites him. It’s weird, to feel both exceedingly confident and exceedingly insecure at the same time.   
  
It’s also weird how Bobby reached out for his arm to keep him from walking away minutes ago. Hanbin doesn’t want to think about it too much, but it made his stomach do a little flip earlier, when he’d felt Bobby’s fingers close around his forearm.   
  
Hanbin loves being touchy with other people (probably more than the average person) and Bobby grabbing his arm felt way more intimate than he would have expected so early. Along with an amazingly strong voice, Bobby also has strong hands, and that’s now one more thing he envies. It’s not that Hanbin hates his hands, or anything, but they’re a little on the small side, _slender and dainty_ as Junhoe likes to tease him. On the whole team only Jinhwan’s hands are smaller than his own.   
  
But it’s not really a big deal. Hand size has nothing to do with rapping ability, after all.   
  
But Hanbin loves being touched, and while they’re waiting for things to get underway he can’t help but think about Bobby’s hands again, and he stares at them while Bobby’s answering one of Woosung’s questions. What he wouldn’t give to feel Bobby’s hand massaging the back of his neck…   
  
His thoughts are interrupted by Bobby, who wishes him luck now that the selection process is about to get underway. Hanbin reciprocates and stands a little straighter as they shift their attention to the MC.   
  
Bobby listens to the explanation about this round of the process, and there’s an added point that makes him nervous—if less than 4 contestants pick a team, that team will be eliminated. He could be eliminated without even getting to start if not enough people pick Illionaire. But the pair seem quite popular, so Bobby’s sure that won’t happen.   
  
He’s one of the first people to be called and before going up he glances at Hanbin, who gives him a half smile that almost seems kind of sad. Bobby’s not sure why, but he can’t really ask him.   
  
He’s the first person who chooses the Illionaire room, and he hopes that isn’t a bad sign. Not that many contestants have gone up yet, after all. Plenty of people left.   
  
But as time goes on and only two other people pick Illionaire, Bobby’s sweating nervously. This can’t happen. He can’t go out like this, without it being his fault. He hasn’t even had a chance to really show anything yet.   
  
This is bullshit. He can’t have come all this way for nothing. The show wouldn’t have paid for his plane ticket here just to send him back. There must be some kind of surprise. Maybe the producers will be eliminated, and the three of them will just have to pick another team. That’s probably what will happen. They can’t possibly punish the contestants.   
  
While Bobby’s panicking, Hanbin’s getting increasingly annoyed. He got to make his selection not long after Bobby and he was one of the first people in the YG room. Since then, though, it’s gotten really full. But it’s not just the fullness that’s on his nerves (though that helps) but it’s also the _who._   
  
Olltii is here, the guy who keeps trying to be his nemesis. Before today he actually didn’t really have much of a problem with him. But after butting into his conversation with Bobby (that he’d actually really been enjoying) Hanbin can’t help but feel like Olltii is competing with him for more than just this show.   
  
It’s stupid, though. He doesn’t have time for a friend outside of YG, no matter how comfortable he feels around Bobby. It’s only been one night, too! He probably only feels so comfortable because Bobby has been the first person who’s gone out of his way to talk to him like a friend. Outside of his members, Hanbin doesn’t really have any friends. Sure, he’s friendly with the other artists at his label, but he doesn’t feel like he could confide in them about anything.   
  
But there’s something about Bobby that has managed to snag him. He feels like he could talk to Bobby about anything (he knows it’s probably because Bobby doesn’t recognize him, doesn’t know what he’s gone through last year). Others might just try to be his friend because he’s semi-famous with a potentially successful future ahead of him. But Bobby doesn’t know that, so when Bobby tries, it’s because he sees something in Hanbin that he likes.   
  
Hanbin has always known that he’s a hard person to befriend. He and Junhoe are the same way—prickly and standoffish and reluctant to befriend new people. If only he were a bit more like Seungjae or Donghyuk he’d probably already have Bobby’s phone number by now (and he’d probably be on “secret friend” terms with Olltii, too, to further plan out their pretend rivalry). But instead he’s quiet and reserved and no one ever really wants to talk to him.   
  
Which is fine. Less people to disappoint later when the show ends and he has no time for them.   
  
Maybe it’s not just the _who is here_ but also the who is _not_ here that has him bothered. He knew Bobby had said that he liked the Illionaire guys, but a tiny little voice in the back of his head had been hoping that maybe Bobby would choose YG instead. How can they possibly have time to be friends if they aren’t even on the same team?   
  
But Bobby hadn’t been in the room when he’d entered. Maybe it’s a good thing, given how full the room is. Only four of them will be able to progress. With Bobby in here, it would have just been one more person to compete with.   
  
Hanbin knows his chances are good. Despite Olltii’s jab, Tablo and Wu will be willing to pick him because they have a more intimate understanding of just how good he is. They saw him all throughout last year, watched him lead his team on WIN. They know exactly how good he is and exactly what he can do. They won’t pick him out of loyalty but out of respect.   
  
Still. It’s nerve wracking all the same.   
  
When the MC announces later on over the room’s loud speaker that contestants are allowed to change rooms because one room only had three contestants, Hanbin’s eyes find Olltii’s, and their stares linger as a few people get up to leave.   
  
But Hanbin stays, and Olltii stays, and Hanbin wonders how the show producers are going to run with their supposed rivalry now.


	4. Round 2.5 - Prep for Solo Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team YG visits YGE, while Team Illionaire heads to Jeju Island. Hanbin and his group learn about who is and is not safe on M&M, while Bobby fishes for information about Hanbin.

“I’m impressed, you did a good job with that beat; good wordplay, too. You guys are improving so fast.”   
  
“You really think so, hyung?” Hanbin can’t stop the question before he asks it. But this is  _ Teddy Park  _ complimenting him. Teddy, his childhood idol. Hanbin still gets goosebumps when Teddy spends time on him.   
  
The senior producer knows it, too, because he looks at Hanbin and grins. “For the hundredth time, Hanbin, yes. You’re very talented and we’re lucky to have you.”   
  
Next to Hanbin, Seungjae snorts. “We need to get one of those workplace signs, you know the ones that say  _ It has been X days without an accident _ ? Except ours will say  _ It has been X days since Hanbin has embarrassed himself _ .”   
  
Hanbin turns his head to glare at Seungjae, but Seungjae pinches his cheek and Hanbin breaks into a smile instead. Seungjae throws an arm over his shoulders and pulls him into a side hug. “Teddy hyung is right, Binnie, we’re so lucky to have you! Such a good little producer.” Seungjae ruffles his hair and Hanbin has to pretend that he hates it.   
  
“Yah, Jae, don’t be a brat!” Jinhwan scolds him, but it’s clear from his tone of voice that he finds it entertaining.   
  
“I’m not, I’m just trying to shower our Binnie in praise, hyung.” Seungjae says it teasingly.   
  
“Are you mocking me now?” Teddy asks, arms crossed over his chest and narrowed eyes on Seungjae, who straightens and shakes his head.   
  
“No hyung,  _ never _ hyung, I would kneel and kiss the ground you walk on if I wasn’t trying to protect my image.”   
  
It’s Hanbin’s turn to smack Seungjae. “Shut up!” He knows Seungjae is teasing him now, but he doesn’t really mind. Teasing is how Seungjae shows his affection, after all.   
  
“I’d smack you if you weren’t so far away.” Teddy replies with a grin.   
  
“Oh please don’t, hyung, I don’t want to make Hanbin jealous!” Seungjae teases before Jinhwan pulls his attention away to go over changes to some lyrics they’re making. Teddy turns his attention back to Hanbin, who’s got a quiet contemplative look about him.   
  
“You ready for today?” Teddy asks him, and Hanbin nods.   
  
“Yeah, I have no idea what we’re doing, but I’m ready for whatever it is.” He  _ is _ ready, but he’s also extremely nervous. They’re filming something for SMTM here at YG headquarters. Hanbin has been passing the time getting feedback on some demos he and Seungjae and Jinhwan recorded. The others are working on their group choreography right now, Hanbin has left Donghyuk in charge. He knows that Seungjae and Jinhwan should be there too, but he needed the extra support before whatever goes on this morning.   
  
“You’ll be fine, Hanbin-ah,” Teddy says, “don’t be intimidated with everyone here. You’re skilled, we all know you’ll do well today.”   
  
Hanbin smiles back at him and for once not even Seungjae teases him. A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door and Hanbin can feel his stomach knotting itself up.   
  
Tablo pokes his head into the room. “There you are, the others are here.” The door opens fully and Tablo leads the rest into the studio. Jidam smiles at him politely, Snacky Chan’s eyes are glued on Teddy, while Olltii stands with his arms crossed over his chest, glancing around at everyone.   
  
Hanbin knows he should probably make introductions, but his voice gets stuck in his throat. Instead social butterfly Seungjae hops up from his chair.   
  
“Hey hyung!” He greets Tablo, before looking at the others, facing Snacky Chan first. “Hi hyung, I’m Seungjae, one of Hanbin’s band mates.”   
  
Snacky Chan eyes him with a polite enough smile, but Hanbin can’t help but feel prickled by it. He hasn’t really had much of an opportunity to talk to the older rapper, but he’s never felt like he really took him seriously. But he greets Seungjae well enough, and Hanbin watches as Seungjae greets the others. Seungjae tries to flirt with Jidam, which sends a surge of irritation to Hanbin’s stomach. But while she greets him back she keeps it curt, instead wandering over to excitedly greet Jinhwan and Teddy. He can’t help but be amused—she’d mentioned casually that she had voted for Team B during WIN. Apparently Seungjae wasn’t one of her favourites, though.   
  
The moment Hanbin has been dreading the most arrives, and he watches as Seungjae greets Olltii. He has no idea what to expect. He tenses at how familiarly they greet one another, almost like old friends.   
  
“Olltii! I’ve heard quite a bit about you,” Seungjae greets him with a smile, and Olltii returns it.   
  
“Seungjae hyung, nice to meet you! Nice place, quite impressive.”   
  
“Isn’t it? Our studio’s not quite as fancy as Teddy hyung’s, so today’s a treat for us too.”   
  
Olltii grins and glances at Hanbin in a way that makes his heart drop into his stomach. He can sense the potential danger right away, though he doesn’t know how to stop it.   
  
Olltii fixes his gaze back on Seungjae. “So, how come Hanbin’s on the show but you’re not?”   
  
Hanbin looks at Seungjae with a panicked expression, and he catches the same thing on Jinhwan’s face. This is one of those moments when Seungjae  _ should _ know what to say, but he never does.   
  
Seungjae shrugs and grins back at Woosung. “CEO doesn’t like me,” he says jokingly, “my mouth gets me into too much trouble.” Hanbin wants to tell him to shut up, but Seungjae’s already said too much. He hopes Tablo has made the others sign some sort of agreement to keep their mouths shut about anything they might overhear while here.   
  
But Olltii doesn’t even bat an eye, clearly just storing the bit of info away for later. “You and me both! It’s a shame, I feel like you’d do well on the show.”   
  
Hanbin watches Seungjae grin back at Olltii and their conversation feels like a kick in the gut. Seungjae’s only know him for two minutes, and already he’s on friendlier terms with him than Hanbin is.   
  
Jinhwan lays a hand on his arm and Hanbin looks at him, and Jinhwan’s soft expression means that he knows exactly what Hanbin’s thinking, and he feels immensely grateful for him. The others are all occupied, so no one’s listening as Jinhwan whispers in Hanbin’s ear.   
  
“Don’t worry about any of that, okay? You know Jae’s a social butterfly, but you’re his number one person. Don’t be jealous.” Jinhwan winks and Hanbin blushes, a little embarrassed that Jinhwan called him on the feelings before they even properly manifested.   
  
He’s not jealous. Absolutely not jealous at all. Seungjae’s always been more personable than he’s been, he’s always been quick to make friends. But Jinhwan is right. Seungjae has been with them from the very beginning, and as much as he teases, Hanbin knows that he has no bigger support than Seungjae. They’re partners, best friends. Seungjae just likes to get to know everyone.   
  
Tablo corrals them all together, announcing that they need to get started on filming. Teddy gives him a hug and ruffles his hair before he leaves (in front of the others, which boosts Hanbin’s confidence) and Jinhwan walks him down to join the group, and when they catch up they see Seungjae trying to chat up Jidam again. But she’s no more interested than she was earlier, and instead she says her goodbyes to Jinhwan while Seungjae moves on to Snacky Chan. Seconds later and he’s at Hanbin’s side again, grinning and slinging an arm around his shoulders.   
  
“Did you get Jidam’s number yet?”   
  
Hanbin rolls his eyes in irritation. “Hate to break it to you, hyung, but she didn’t seem all that interested in you.”   
  
But Seungjae laughs at him. “That much was obvious,” Seungjae replies, “I meant for  _ you, _ idiot.” Hanbin’s about to brush the comment off but Seungjae isn’t finished. “She keeps making heart eyes at you.”   
  
Hanbin feels like hitting him, but he’s wary of messing around with the cameras set up. “She seems more interested in Jinani hyung.”   
  
Seungjae shakes his head. “Trust me. She was chatting to him, but she kept looking at you the entire time. Beanie baby’s got himself an admirer!”   
  
Hanbin has to fight with himself not to smack Seungjae for using the nickname (the one he uses when he wants to embarrass Hanbin) and instead rolls his eyes again and pushes Seungjae towards the door.   
  
“Why are you still here? We have filming to do, get out.” He pushes Seungjae out (but as he’s doing it Seungjae pats his cheek and tells him to do well, and the gesture placates Hanbin a little) and not even Olltii calling to Seungjae dampens his mood.   
  
Instead he sits down at the table and Jidam immediately sits down beside him, and Hanbin glances at her and for the first time wonders if there’s any truth to Seungjae’s comment.   
  
Not that it matters. She’s nice, but she’s not exactly Hanbin’s type.   
  


* * *

  
Jeju reminds Bobby a lot of LA. It’s gorgeous, the soft lull of the ocean waves is soothing and calming, and it makes him think about his parents again, and he wonders if they’d rather get a place on the ocean in LA, or if they’d want to move back to Korea. He could get them a place on Jeju, instead. Same idea.   
  
“Do you mind if I sit with you?”   
  
Bobby looks up at the question, and it’s Toy who’s standing there, one of his two remaining teammates. He was surprised to find her on the show, because she’s American and while her Korean skills are quite good for a foreigner, they’re not up to everyone else’s level. He was impressed when she’d told him that she’d auditioned in Korea and made it (for the second time). She feels like a bit of a kindred spirit to him, because he’s been out of Korea for so long.   
  
“Can’t believe we’re officially top 12.” Bobby says, and it feels nice to have a conversation in English.   
  
“I know, I’m happy I made it further this season.” She sits down on the bench next to him.   
  
“Yeah, I was scared when they said they were cutting one of us right away!” Bobby’s heart had pounded so hard in his chest he’d barely been able to think.   
  
“I was sure it was going to be me,” Toy replies, “because I’ve been wanting to come visit Jeju ever since I moved to Korea, but never had the chance. You know how sometimes you want something for so long, and then when you finally get it, it gets pulled out of your fingers.”   
  
Bobby nods and stares out over the water. “Yeah, that’s a crappy feeling.”   
  
They’re silent for a moment, but it’s a comfortable silence. “What do you plan on doing with the money if you win?” Toy asks him, and Bobby turns his head to look at her.   
  
“I’m giving it all to my parents,” Bobby replies, “well, most of it. My brother wants to propose to his girlfriend, so I wanna give him some so he can buy a nice ring for her.”   
  
Toy looks surprised. “Really? That’s so sweet, Bobby.”   
  
Bobby shrugs and hopes he’s not blushing. “Ah, it’s only the right thing to do. My family doesn’t have a lot of money, and everyone works. I just wanna help my parents do well, they work too much.”   
  
Toy smiles fondly at him and looks back out at the water. “Well, I hope you go far, then. Would you move back to the US if you win? Or do you think you might stay in Korea after? I mean I guess you would if you want to make an album, right?”   
  
Bobby’s been so focused on the prize money that he forgot that the winner would get the opportunity to record and release an album. Having an entire album would be amazing, really. It’s one of those things that he always wanted without ever really thinking it.   
  
“I guess I’d have to stay then, to record it. I have an aunt in Seoul, she’d probably like it if I stayed longer anyway.” An entire album… He wonders if he’d be able to get Robbie on a track?   
  
She looks back at him again. “Oh yeah? It’s nice you’ve got family here, must make it easier on you.”   
  
He nods and looks back at her. “It does. She’s got a restaurant, I help her out when I’m not recording.” He pauses for a second, not quite sure why he’s feeling slightly nervous. “You should come by sometime, check it out.”   
  
Toy smiles at him and tells him that she will, and Bobby thinks that staying in Korea for a little while after the show might not be so bad.   
  


* * *

It’s been at least ten minutes since Yang has left them, and Hanbin is only quiet still because of the cameras. It’s hard, though, because he’s never felt angrier before in his life than he feels right now.   
  
Since they started filming Mix & Match he’s been feeling like something was lacking in terms of drama, and he got his answer today. Yang has just told them that out of the six original Team B members, only three of them are guaranteed to debut. He always knew that he’d be safe regardless of what was going to happen, and he figured Seungjae would be a guarantee too because they’re the only rappers.   
  
What he wasn’t expecting was that Yang would only guarantee Jinhwan. He’d been  _ hoping _ that all of Team B would be guaranteed, and only the new guys would be the question marks. But instead he might lose two of them.   
  
And he’s not clueless about it either—despite being on the chopping block, he’s certain Junhoe will make it on the team. Despite never giving Junhoe the praise he wants, Hanbin knows that Yang would never let Junhoe go, not with his powerful voice. But Junhoe’s got a bit of an attitude problem at times, and Hanbin is sure this is meant to humble him, he’s sure it’s meant to rectify his at times arrogant behaviour.   
  
It’s still bullshit, though. Because what if something goes wrong in the voting? As much as he’s starting to grow fond of Chanwoo and Jinhyeong, what if something happens and they’re voted in and he loses two of Team B?   
  
And there’s still a ninth person coming! Hanbin can’t even stand to think about what he might be like. What if he’s even worse than the two new guys? What if he can’t dance at all, what if he needs even more help?   
  
But what if he’s not? The most terrifying thought Hanbin can muster up is: what if the ninth guy is  _ better _ than the other Team B members? What if he’s a better dancer than Donghyuk? What if he’s got a more powerful voice than Junhoe? What if he’s more dedicated than Yunhyeong?   
  
Hanbin’s terrified of that most of all. He’s terrified that Yang is saving the best trainee for last.   
  
His heart wants his original team, but his brain want the best possible members. And it’s just shitty timing, for him, because he has another taping for SMTM this weekend, and it’s an important one. They’re doing individual performances in front of a crowd that will determine their ranking. Hanbin had started preparing a few days ago, but this information about his team is potentially going to ruin his whole mental process.   
  
He needs to calm down about it, needs to just accept that it is what it is, and no amount of anger is going to change it.   
  
But as he looks at Donghyuk, who’s crying into Jinhwan’s shoulder, and as he looks at Junhoe, whose face is brimming with anger and insult, he can’t help but feel like this is going to stick in his head. He won’t forget this moment, but he needs to forget it if he wants to do well.   
  
He even feels bad for the new guys. The light in their eyes at their potential has been replaced at the moment with guilt, and Hanbin even feels pissed off on their behalf. If any of them make it in place of Team B members, it’s going to cause problems, and they both know it. How are they supposed to work their hardest now, knowing that they might cause conflict if they do well? How do you work your hardest to join a team when you know that half the fan base might hate you for it?   
  
He closes his eyes and counts to ten, tries to get his feelings under control.   
  
All he wants right now is to see his parents. He wants to go boxing with his dad to get his aggression out, and then let his mom fuss over him for the rest of the night. He wants to watch a cartoon with Hanbyul and read her a bedtime story.   
  
But he won’t get to do any of those things, no matter how much he needs to. Instead he puts on a mask and stands up, corralling them all into thoughts of practice. All of them fix him with hurt expressions (even Seungjae, which is rare) but Hanbin knows that right now it’s on him to keep them on track. They can’t afford to take a night off from training. There’s too much to do, and if he lets them sit around and stew in anger for the rest of the day, it’ll make it that much harder on him to get them inspired again the following morning.   
  
It’s a tough spot for him, and he hates having to be the one who gets hard on them.   
  
But he’s the leader, and it’s his job, no matter how much he hates it sometimes.   
  


* * *

  
“I made you dinner, why don’t you go take a break, Jiwonie?”   
  
Bobby finishes washing the last plate in the sink before heeding his aunt’s advice and grabbing the food. He’s been working the restaurant with her all day (and today was quite busy, which is good for her but bad for his feet) and he’s glad for the moment to rest. He takes the plate of beef kimbap and grabs a Coke from the fridge and finds himself a seat near the back.   
  
He sits down and quickly sets about devouring the food, grateful that she’s been so good to him. He thinks about his conversation with Toy on Jeju, about the difficulties she’s faced being in a foreign country without anyone. While Korea’s not as foreign to Bobby as it is to her, it would be way harder on him if he were here without his aunt.   
  
He’s almost done with the food when a voice breaks him out of his stupor.   
  
“Ey, Bobby!”   
  
Olltii’s there at the door, grinning over at him. Bobby waves and watches as he comes closer. He’d invited him to come by the restaurant a week ago, and finally he’s stopping in. Olltii sits down across from him and makes a quick grab for a piece of gimbap.   
  
“How was Jeju?”   
  
Bobby smacks his hand before he grabs another piece. “It was awesome, man! Even when I lived here, we’d never gone to Jeju. It’s beautiful though, the trip was cool! The hyungs took us out on a jet boat and we had lunch on the water.”   
  
“Fuck, I’m jealous!” Olltii replies, dodging Bobby’s hands and grabbing another piece of food. “We just went to YG for our taping. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was super fucking cool, and I’m still in awe I was there. But Jeju would have been nice.”   
  
Bobby watches him and wants to ask him about how their taping went. Wants to make sure Hanbin wasn’t cut. But it would probably sound weird if he just outright asked about a competitor when Olltii is the one he’s supposed to be friends with. “So, what did you guys do anyway?”   
  
“We had lunch at the YG cafeteria, which is honestly every bit as good as people say it is. Tablo hyung took us on a tour, so we got to see all the studios and meet people. I actually got to talk to Teddy hyung, I still can’t believe it.” Olltii looks and sounds impressed, but Bobby frowns.   
  
“I’m probably going to sound like an ignorant foreigner, but who’s Teddy?” Bobby grins when Olltii shakes his head in mild disgust.   
  
“YG’s main producer. He works with Big Bang and does everything for 2NE1.” When Bobby just nods, Olltii’s eyes bug out. “Don’t tell me you don’t even know Big Bang or 2NE1? I mean, yeah they’re idol groups, but they’re fucking  _ cool. _ And Teddy was in 1Tym, they’re a legendary Korean hip hop group. You do know 1Tym, right?”   
  
Bobby frowns and knows he shouldn’t laugh, but he can’t help it. “Sorry. I wasn’t really old enough to be into any hip hop before I left Korea, and then I just got into American stuff. So I don’t know any of them.”   
  
Olltii shakes his head again and steals the rest of Bobby’s gimbap. “Shameful. You need to do some homework, man! I’ll send you a list of shit to look up, cool?”   
  
Bobby grins and finishes his Coke. “Sure, send it. Did you meet anyone else who I should know about, but don’t?”   
  
“Yeah, we got judged by a few people, actually. Like Dara noona from 2NE1, she’s super pretty. I swear Snacky Chan was acting like he was gonna propose or something, it was kind of embarrassing.”   
  
“Oh yeah? You gonna tease him about it for the rest of the show?”   
  
Olltii stops for a moment, his eyes on Bobby. “I don’t know if I’m supposed to even tell you this, but hyung got cut.”   
  
Bobby looks surprised, but he’s also feeling relieved. Hanbin is still on the show. “Really? They cut him?”   
  
“Yeah, I think the hyungs are looking for new people, you know? They said since he’s older and has more experience, they can’t really teach him anything. Which makes sense, if that’s their intent.”   
  
Bobby smiles and wonders if it would be weird if he asked about Hanbin.   
  
Olltii doesn’t give him a chance, though. “We also had Choice37 judging us, can’t believe I met him too! Him and Teddy both, man. YG dream team.”   
  
Bobby waits until Olltii looks at him.   
  
“Oh right, you probably have no idea who that is. You’ve been here a few weeks now, have you heard G Dragon’s new track,  _ One Of A Kind? _ ”   
  
Bobby perks up at the question. “I think I have, actually! I like that track, never knew who it was, though, just heard it a few times when I’ve been out.”   
  
Olltii shakes his head again. “Well, GD’s the leader of Big Bang, but he’s doing solo stuff right now.”   
  
Bobby nods. He’ll have to look him up and the group, then. The song was cool.   
  
“Anyway, so they made us rap, and we got judged. I think I did the best, Tablo hyung seemed really happy with me.”   
  
Bobby nodded, happy for Olltii, because it was obvious to Bobby that he idolized Tablo. It must mean the world to get praise from someone you look up to. “How did Hanbin do? And the other one, the girl?” Bobby can’t remember her name and he feels bad.   
  
Olltii grins. “Jidam, you mean. They did good. Got to meet some of Hanbin’s team mates, actually, they were pretty cool, especially Seungjae, the other rapper on his team. I asked him why he wasn’t doing the show and he said it’s cause their CEO doesn’t like him. Said he talks too much shit! I like the guy, I wish he was competing, he’s cool.”   
  
“Hanbin’s cool too,” Bobby says, a touch of protectiveness coming out before he realizes it and he tries to cover it up, “so not surprising his team mates are cool.”   
  
Olltii gives him a weird look, though, like he knows Bobby’s trying to hide something. “Yeah, Hanbin’s problem is that he’s too fucking shy, though. I try to have conversations with him but he barely says anything.”   
  
“Really?” Bobby replies, and he’s not sure why but he feels like he needs to stick up for him. “I actually had a really good conversation with him that night when the producer teams did their performances. We talked a lot.”   
  
Olltii frowns and it’s awkward for a few seconds before he teasingly follows it up. “Well, aren’t you the fucking sheltered idol whisperer,” Olltii teases, before leaning back in his chair. “Anyway I’m starving, can you go make me something?”   
  
Bobby stares at him incredulously. “Would it kill you to ask politely?”   
  
“Yes.” Olltii’s answer is grim and dry and they’re both laughing a second after he says it. Bobby gets up to work on his order and while he’s preparing the food he can’t stop thinking about Hanbin. He wonders if Olltii has Hanbin’s phone number. Would it be weird if he asked? Would Olltii take offense?   
  
Maybe he’ll just wait until their taping on the weekend and ask himself in person.


	5. Round 3 - Solo Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is starting to weigh heavily on Hanbin's shoulders, but he refuses to tell anyone about it.

The car ride to the venue seems to go by far too quickly for Hanbin. Even though he’s been up late preparing, he feels like he’s not ready. But he knows he’s just preoccupied mentally with Mix & Match. He almost finds it funny that he’d thought it would be terrible if the ninth trainee was better than his Team B members. Instead the new guy, Hongseok, has turned out to be his worst nightmare.   
  
Hongseok rubbed him the wrong way from their introduction. He’s the same age as Jinhwan, and the way he tried to befriend him right away annoyed the whole lot of them. Hanbin wouldn’t have been so angry if Hongseok had actually turned out to be good at anything, but he’s been a horrible disappointment so far.   
  
His vocals are severely lacking (the potential is there, but Hanbin doesn’t have the patience to direct him the way he should) but he’s a worse dancer than either Chanwoo or Jinhyeong were on their first day.   
  
Usually Hanbin prides himself on his ability to do what needs to be done despite how much he hates it, but he just can’t bring himself to be a good leader for Hongseok. He gives him minimal feedback and brushes him off to one of the others when he asks for help. It’s not the way he should be acting as a leader, but he can’t help it. Hongseok irritates him, and Hanbin has been irritated at far too many things lately to be polite about it.   
  
Of course it doesn’t help that he’s got Seungjae in his ear constantly, complaining.   
  
Seungjae has never really been much of a complainer. He whines playfully sometimes, but he’s never been one to let himself sink into negativity. If Seungjae doesn’t like something, usually he either doesn’t do it, or he alters it however possible to make it less of an issue.   
  
But ever since their surprise meeting with Yang, Seungjae has changed. Hanbin’s actually surprised that out of them all, Seungjae is the one continually protesting how bullshit YG’s decision was to only guarantee three of them. Even Junhoe has moved on and accepted it. But every night, after Hanbin has sent the others to bed, he and Seungjae walk home from the training centre together and Hanbin listens to the pure vitriol that drips from Seungjae’s mouth.   
  
He should really put a stop to it, he should force Seungjae to get over it like everyone else.   
  
But the truth is that Hanbin is every bit as angry still, and he listens to Seungjae say all the things that he himself wants to say but can’t force out of his own mouth. Hanbin is angry, and Seungjae vocalizes it all for him.   
  
But it’s not doing Hanbin any favours. He keeps going over his lyrics for tonight but he keeps getting distracted, thinking about Mix & Match.   
  
Why hadn’t Yang warned him about it beforehand? Why had he just dropped it on him at the same time as the others, when Yang  _ knew _ that Hanbin had more going on. Yang is well aware of his SMTM filming schedule. Why would he have dropped something so intense on him days before a filming?   
  
Hanbin wants to scream about how unfair it is to himself, but he won’t. He needs to be calm, and he needs to be grateful that he even gets to do the shows. It’s on him to deal with the issues. He doesn’t want Yang to baby him, doesn’t want to be treated special.   
  
But the timing is just too suspect to not have been done  _ on purpose _ and it stings Hanbin.   
  
Doesn’t Yang want him to do well on SMTM? How can he be sabotaging him like this?   
  
Hanbin shakes his head and wills himself to stop thinking about it. Again—not doing himself any favours. Instead he takes a few deep breaths and watches as the company van pulls up to the venue.   
  
If only he could come to the tapings with Tablo and Wu, maybe it would be different. He’d be more focused, and he’d feel calmer. But of course it’s not how things are, and he can’t blame them. It would seem like they’re favouring him, and they shouldn’t.   
  
He slips quickly into the venue, heading for the backstage area where his teammates are. The main area has been made over for tonight, and it makes his stomach churn, thinking about the performance. He’s usually not so nervous, but he’s having a hard time not being able to focus.   
  
“Hanbin!”   
  
He looks up, finding the voice that called to him. There’s Woosung, sitting in between C Jamm and Bobby.   
  
_ Bobby. _ Hanbin walks over to them and Bobby pats the chair next to him with a smile, and Hanbin doesn’t even realize he’s smiling back until he sits down.   
  
“You ready for tonight? You look confident.” Bobby asks him, and Hanbin’s expression goes surprised for a moment.   
  
He shrugs and tries to play up the supposed confidence, because he can’t have anyone knowing that he’s going through a rough time right now. “Yeah, I’m excited it’s finally here! How about you?”   
  
Bobby grins and Hanbin actually feels a little calmer now. Which is dumb, because Bobby’s competition. But he’s so much friendlier than anyone else, and Hanbin glances past Bobby at Woosung, who’s facing away from him now, not bothering to greet him after calling out to him. Hanbin can’t help but feel a little bad about that. Woosung’s supposed to be the one he’s getting friendly with, not Bobby.   
  
Still. The way Bobby smiles at him makes Hanbin’s stomach do stupid little flip flops. Dangerous little flip flops.   
  
After a few minutes C Jamm moves to another seat and Woosung turns back to butt into their conversation.   
  
“Ey Hanbin, you ready or are you gonna flop tonight?” Woosung’s grin seems friendly, and Hanbin narrows his eyes at him and hopes Woosung’s just teasing for fun.   
  
“Of course I’m ready, this is a serious round.” Hanbin replies, and Woosung grins at him.   
  
“Tell Seungjae I’m hurt he didn’t text me to wish me luck.”   
  
Hanbin frowns at him. “Why would he text you?”   
  
Woosung grins back at him. “We exchanged numbers when we met. That’s not against company rules, is it?”   
  
Hanbin remembers well his flaring of jealousy when Seungjae got friendly with Woosung, and he tries to keep it off his face now. “Well text him yourself, then, if you have his number. I don’t control who he talks to.”   
  
Woosung grins and nudges Bobby. “You hear that? Am I imagining it, or is he grumpy that I’m friends with his bandmate?”   
  
Bobby doesn’t want to be caught in between this, especially not because based on Hanbin’s expression, there probably is some truth to Woosung’s comment. Bobby just wishes he knew who Seungjae was so he could understand the situation better.   
  
Hanbin shakes his head and tries not to be annoyed. He can’t let Woosung do this, not in front of Bobby.  
  
Woosung frowns at the way that Hanbin doesn’t follow up on the teasing. He’d been hoping to engage him for longer, and he feels bad that he can’t seem to figure Hanbin out. Maybe he’ll have to ask Seungjae for advice on how to get Hanbin to open up, because despite their on-screen rivalry, he actually wouldn’t mind forming a friendship with him. Maybe Hanbin just doesn’t enjoy teasing banter, though. Because he’s noticed that Hanbin seems quite happy to see Bobby again. What does Bobby have that he lacks?   
  


* * *

  
Hanbin’s conflicted after his performance. For the second time on this show he’s forgotten his lyrics. He did a good job of covering it up this time, though, played it off so well that maybe people will think it was on purpose.   
  
But it wasn’t, and he’s cursing himself mentally for it right now. He’d actually been sort of okay before going up on stage. Talking to Bobby had calmed him down, had helped him focus on the show. But getting up on that stage in front of the crowd had only made him think about WIN, which had made him think about his failure on the show, had made him think about Mix & Match. Midway through a sentence his mind was full of Seungjae’s angry retorts and he’d frozen, stuck on his next word.   
  
But he’s nothing if not a fighter, and he’s never allowed an error to put him on the spot. Just like the audition round he’d jumped down from his spotlight, he’d jumped down into the fans this time. He knows the producers must have had a field day with his performance, because it will allow them to paint him the way they’ve been hoping to get him—like an arrogant villain. A soon-to-debut idol who uses his company’s reputation to prop himself up.   
  
It’s good for ratings. He understands.   
  
But it was just an easy thing for him to fall back on. He did it because he had nothing left in his brain. He put on a face on the stage, and on his way back it seemed like the other producers fell for it. He hadn’t meant to catch Swings’ eyes but he had, and the older rapper had given him a high five, telling him he’d loved it, he’d loved the arrogant anger. But that sort of thing works for someone like Swings. It isn’t true to Hanbin, though.   
  
The look of disappointment in Tablo’s eyes is enough to crash him back to ground, though, and Hanbin knows he’s going to be in for a lecture later.   
  
Whatever. The only thing that matters right now is whether or not the audience bought it. They’re the ones he has to impress right now. It’ll be far easier to live with his own disappointment in himself if he progresses to the next round.   
  
Bobby is full of praise for Hanbin when he gets back to his seat, and it just makes Hanbin feel even worse. He can tell by the look Woosung gives him that his teammate saw right through him. But still, Woosung grins at him and praises the ingenuity of interrupting his set to rant about his haters. Hanbin’s not sure why he’s trying to be nice about it, probably just to rub it in his face later on. Or maybe he’s just being nice because Bobby’s here.   
  
It doesn’t matter. Even though they’re teammates, Woosung is still competition. Why bother trying to being friends with someone who’s clearly not looking to be that friendly with him?   
  


* * *

  
By the end of the night Bobby’s feeling fantastic. His own performance went perfect, he’d killed the crowd and finally gotten a taste of that thing he’s desperate for. Performing is intoxicating, and he loves it.   
  
Maybe he’s just being oddly caught up again, but when Woosung asks him who his favourite stage was, Bobby’s lips start forming Hanbin’s name. But he chickens out at the last second and chooses Vasco, the safe answer. But he’s quick to say that both Woosung and Hanbin were in his top as well, and Woosung gives him this weird smile, like he knows Bobby’s not being honest.   
  
He’s a little concerned at how quiet Hanbin has been after his stage, though. Bobby had thought he’d be looser after performing, but Hanbin seems even more tightly wound than before. Bobby had been hoping Hanbin would be relaxed at this stage, because he wants to ask him if they can exchange phone numbers.   
  
But Hanbin’s preoccupied and Bobby wishes he wasn’t. He’s not even sure why—Hanbin’s stage had been popular and the audience reaction had been outstanding. Bobby’s not sure where Hanbin pulls the arrogance from, but it’s crazy watching him do it. It almost seems like Hanbin is two different people. Bobby wants to get to know them both.   
  
The results are out soon after the last stage finishes, and Bobby walks up to check them out with Hanbin and Woosung. It’s a given that Vasco will finish in first place, and Bobby’s honestly just hoping he places in the top ten. He’s trying not to expect much, because despite doing well the audience is barely familiar with him, and he performed really early in the night, so people might have forgotten.   
  
They’re all shocked at the results. Vasco is first by a landslide, but there, sitting pretty in second place, is Hanbin.   
  
Bobby turns to give him a hug, not all that surprised but excited and happy.   
  
Woosung’s annoyed. Hanbin fucked up, and somehow had the audience so wrapped around his little finger they’d put him in second? Did they not notice he was covering up for forgetting his lyrics?   
  
Hanbin can’t believe the results. While he’d been telling himself it would be okay provided he did decently enough to not be at the bottom, he knows he doesn’t deserve second place. His worries and fears plague him again—does he have Team B fans in the audience? Had they come out to support him, blindly giving him votes out of loyalty?   
  
The others will hate him for it if that’s the case. He accepts Bobby’s hug but can’t bring himself to meet Woosung’s eyes, but he can feel them on him, burning a hole through his chest.   
  
He just wants approval from the hip hop community. He doesn’t want his idol fans here, propping him up. He wants to be able to exist without their support, wants to prove himself. How can he do that with this kind of result?   
  
And that’s when he realizes that even if he hadn’t fucked up, even if he’d done perfectly, people would probably still blame his fans for the success. He’s sure they’re all thinking it now.  _ Who let the fangirls into the venue? Did YGE pay MNET to let fans come to the taping? _   
  
It eats at him and all he wants to do right now is run to the bathroom to throw up. But instead he forces himself to wear a mask and deal with whatever he hears now. Whatever people say, he deserves it. Whatever criticism he hears, he deserves it.   
  
He trudges along after Woosung and Jidam to their team room, not wanting to face his mentors. Wu will probably go easier on him, he’ll want to focus more on the fact that despite the error, what mattered was the stellar recovery.   
  
But Tablo’s a perfectionist like Hanbin himself is. He’ll focus on the mistake, especially because it’s not the first one Hanbin’s made. Tablo expects more from Hanbin because he knows that he  _ can _ expect more, and Hanbin knows he’s right to expect it, and he can blame the Mix & Match bombshell all he wants, but at the end of the day the fault lies solely on his own shoulders.   
  
He fucked up, and he has no one to blame but himself.   
  


* * *

  
(Some real names in the next scene: Olltii = Woosung; Sungmin = C Jamm; Hunchul = Iron; Siyoung = Giri Boy)

  
Bobby is feeling a mixture of joy and disappointment after the team meeting. He did well for being unknown, but his team came in fourth, and he especially feels bad for Toy, who finished last. Memories of their talk in Jeju come back to him, of that sentiment about wanting something so bad and watching as it slips away. He wants better for her, thinks she deserves more.   
  
But he also feels bad because the producers made a few quips about the voting, and Bobby knows they were talking about Hanbin, attributing his results to fans. He wanted to dispute it, because isn’t it the same for Vasco? Sure, Bobby told Woosung that Vasco’s stage was his favourite, but it  _ wasn’t, _ it was only the safest answer in between friends. But there were probably people who voted for Vasco not for his performance, but because of who he is.   
  
It’s the same thing, but somehow it only matters when it’s Hanbin. Bobby doesn’t think it’s fair.   
  
But as soon as they finish he looks down at his phone and sees a new message from Sungmin (C Jamm, whose name Bobby finally remembers tonight) inviting him over to his place for a post-show celebratory drink.   
  
Bobby doesn’t drink, but they don’t have to know that.   
  
He bids goodnight to his teammates by the door and waits for the others to show up. But suddenly there’s Hanbin, hurrying down the hall with his head down. Bobby’s grateful that he’s going to get to see him to say goodnight, and he reaches out for Hanbin’s arm as he reaches the door.   
  
“Hey, glad I caught you!” He studies Hanbin’s face, sad when he sees how heavy his eyes are, like he’s carrying a ton of weight.   
  
“Hey hyung,” Hanbin replies, and Bobby’s friendly expression makes him feel a tiny bit better.   
  
“Hey, uh some of us are going to Sungmin’s for some drinks, you wanna come?” Bobby offers before even thinking about it, before thinking about whether any of the others would want Hanbin there. He just doesn’t want to send Hanbin off looking dejected.   
  
Hanbin face wrinkles in surprise at the offer, and he even smiles a little, but shakes his head. “I can’t, sorry.”

“Come on, not even for one?” Bobby asks, because he just feels weird at the automatic decline. “You got some company ban on going out and socializing, or something?” He says it with a friendly grin, because he wants Hanbin to smile more.

But Hanbin shakes his head again and gets a weird look on his face that Bobby can’t read. “Actually yes, but I'm also just really busy.” He looks uncomfortable and Bobby can't figure out if it's because Hanbin doesn't actually  _ want _ to join them, or if he's hiding something.

“Busy doing what?” He asks. “It's almost midnight, you can't possibly be working at this hour?”

Hanbin offers him a wry smile in return. “You'd be surprised.” They face each other for a few seconds in silence before Hanbin sighs. “Well, I really do have to go, but thanks for the invite. I’ll see you next taping.”   
  
“Yeah, sure, maybe then you’ll come out after?” Bobby asks jokingly, because it’s obvious that Hanbin won’t be doing that. But Hanbin smiles back at him in a way that makes Bobby’s heart flutter in his chest.   
  
“Maybe, but don’t count on it. Have a good time, hyung, and good job tonight.” Hanbin leaves and Bobby watches him, disappointed that he’d forgotten to ask him for his phone number.

“You invited him, didn't you?” A voice at his ear asks, and Bobby turns to face Woosung.

“I couldn't not ask him.” Bobby replies, because he feels like maybe Woosung's questioning his decision.

“So surprising he's not coming.” Woosung replies sarcastically, and before Bobby can ask him about it Woosung's already halfway down the hall. “Come on, let's not keep the guys waiting!” So Bobby follows, and by the time they're outside Hanbin is long gone.

It isn't a long walk to Sungmin's place, and when they arrive Bobby takes a seat between Woosung and Sungmin, and the latter is already pouring himself a second glass of soju.

“There you are, boys! Drink up!” He pours them both glasses and Bobby accepts his. In all honesty he hates soju (he’s only tried it once), thinks the taste is disgusting. But he doesn't want to be rude in front of the others, so he sips at it.

“Woosung, where's your teammate?” Sungmin asks him, grinning when he gets a glare in response.

“I don't know, probably on his way back to his prison.” Woosung says jokingly, and the others laugh.

“Beauty queen needs his sleep.” Hunchul says jokingly, and Woosung laughs at it.

“Do idols have curfews? Did you ever ask him?” Siyoung questions, downing his drink and pouring another.

“No clue, we don't really talk about it.” Woosung answers.

“What do you talk about?” Hunchul asks.

“Fuck, we actually don't really talk? Not for lack of trying, he's just, not very friendly?” The others laugh, and Woosung tries to take it back. “I mean he's not rude! He's just...”

“Socially awkward?” Siyoung offers, and Woosung shrugs.

“Nah, he's just quiet. All work, no play, kinda guy.” Woosung says, and Sungmin nods, and Bobby wants to dispute it and tell them all that Hanbin talks to him. But he keeps it to himself.

“Not surprising really, he’s been a trainee for over three years now? And you know YG probably keeps their trainees locked down.” Sungmin says, and again it makes Bobby curious. A few times now he's heard people mention  _ idols _ and  _ trainees _ but he still has no idea what that actually means. He doesn't really pay any attention to Korean media back in the US, and he hasn’t gone looking for information since he’s been here.

He's going to ask, though. “So, what do you mean when you say he's a trainee?” He asks Sungmin, and everyone gives him a weird look, like he's just asked a stupid question.

But Sungmin nods and seems to remember that Bobby grew up in the US.

“Fuck, that's right, Bobby's American! He doesn't know about idols. Probably never watched WIN!” Sungmin says, and Hunchul rolls his eyes.

“I've never watched WIN either, he's not missing anything.”

Sungmin wags a finger in his direction. “You were supposed to be a part of BTS, don't roll your eyes at idol stuff!”

Hunchul's glare is murderous and he's about to raise a complaint, but Siyoung beats him to it. “Excuse me?!” He squeals. “That group with that dude named Rap Monster? You were gonna be a part of that?”

“It wasn't an idol group originally!” Hunchul replies, annoyed glare directed at Sungmin. “Anyway, this isn't about me! Go back to talking about your precious little Team B.”

Sungmin grins and downs his soju, while Bobby still has no idea what they're all talking about.

“So, what is WIN?” He prompts, because he's curious.

“It was a survival show that YG produced last year,” Sungmin explains, “two groups of trainees competed for the chance to debut as artists. Hanbin was the leader of Team B, but they ended up losing in the end to Team A, who's debuting soon with the name Winner.”

“You're awfully up to date on YG idol groups.” Hunchul says, looking at Sungmin with raised eyebrows.

Sungmin shrugs in response. “My little sister is a fan, what can I say?”

“I didn't know you have a sister.” Siyoung replies, and it starts a fresh round of teasing. Bobby quietly sips his soju and listens in amusement, but in the back of his mind he files away the information. He'll look it up when he gets to his aunt's, because his curiosity's been piqued, and he wants to know more.

* * *

  
Hanbin gets back to the dorm and sits outside, looking down at his phone and contemplating his options. He should just find the others and see what they’re doing, see how training is going, see how poorly Hongseok is doing.   
  
But he’s worried that if he goes to them right now, he’ll just be snappy and angry. So instead he sits outside their building, alone in the darkness and hoping it’ll soothe some of his hurt pride and disappointment.   
  
He doesn’t expect anyone to find him, but five minutes after he sits down he hears footsteps and hopes whoever it is will pass him by quickly, but the steps stop suddenly and he closes his eyes to wait.   
  
“Hanbin-ah, what are you doing out here alone?”   
  
Hanbin turns in surprise—it’s Song Minho. “Hey, hyung.” He hasn’t seen much of the Team A guys (Winner guys now, he has to get used to calling them) since they’ve been busy preparing for their debut. In fact, the last time he did see them it was to give them a song he’d written, originally intended for his own group, but Yang had asked him to give it up, and as much as Hanbin wanted to fight for it, in the ended he’d decided it was better to at least get his name out there in the credits than not have the song see the light of day at all.   
  
Minho comes over to sit down next to him at the picnic table. “How’s the new show going? Heard you have a few new trainees, how are they?”   
  
Hanbin frowns—it really has been a long time since they’ve had a chance to hang out. “They’re good,” he replies mechanically, feeling awkward. How much is he allowed to say to Minho anyway? The producers know what’s going on, but what about his fellow label mates?   
  
“How are they  _ really _ ?” Minho asks, because he knows Hanbin well enough to know when he’s not being honest. Hanbin rarely ever lies, he doesn’t have it in him.   
  
Hanbin slumps forward at the question and immediately Minho scoots closer and puts an arm around his shoulders.   
  
“That bad, huh?”   
  
Hanbin bites back a sarcastic laugh. “They’re good guys, but,” he struggles to find the politest way to say what he wants to say, and settles on “they could be better.”   
  
Minho leans his head against Hanbin’s, and while Hanbin usually loves the contact, right now it just feels annoying. But he knows he’s only feeling that way because he’s upset with himself tonight. Any other night and he’d have been the one initiating the cuddling instead of wanting to push away.   
  
“How’s Show Me The Money going? I’m happy you’re getting to do the show, I’m jealous.” Minho says it honestly, and Hanbin knows he’d love to do the show, but he also feels annoyed that Minho is expressing  _ jealousy _ over his situation. Hanbin would love nothing more than to offload some of his stress onto someone else.   
  
Instead he gives another half answer. “It’s going well, I actually just got back from a taping. Taking a few minutes for myself before finding the guys.”   
  
Minho sits up and drops his arm, which Hanbin is grateful for, but misses the moment it’s gone. “Let me guess, you won’t tell me anything even if I ask politely?” Minho teasingly asks, and it makes Hanbin smile despite his exhaustion.   
  
“I signed a contract, sorry,” he replies, and Minho grunts in frustration. “I’m still on the show though, that much I can tell you.”   
  
Minho grins and swipes off Hanbin’s baseball cap, ruffling his fingers through his hair affectionately before getting up. “Of course you’re still there, I know you’ll do well and make us all proud. Anyway I’m heading to bed, have an early morning photo shoot. You have a good night though, okay? I know you’re probably tired from all the tapings, so make sure you sleep.”   
  
The brotherly advice warms Hanbin’s heart a little and he looks up at Minho with a softer expression. “Thanks, hyung. I promise I’ll try.”   
  
Minho smiles back and makes his way inside, leaving Hanbin alone again. He wishes he could follow Minho up to his own apartment and go to sleep, but there’s too much to do, so instead he gets up from the table and starts the short walk to the training centre, hoping to find the guys there still.   
  
And maybe, if he’s lucky, Hongseok will suck a little less.   
  
If he’s lucky.


	6. Round 4 - Pre-Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby sees cracks in Hanbin that he starts to dig his fingers into. Hanbin deals with a devastating piece of news.

The next time Bobby sees Hanbin he's completely up to date on his life. He'd looked up the program at first out of mild interest, reading about it but not expecting to watch it. Two days later, though, he'd watched the entire show and was surprised to find himself tearing up during the final episode, listening to Hanbin's emotional rap about carrying the lives of his teammates on his shoulders. He can't imagine what it must have been like, going through such a tough period only to get nothing to show for it. Bobby doesn't know how Hanbin's still going, doesn't think he'd be able to.

It makes him think about his own life and he feels like he's accomplished nothing so far compared to Hanbin. The toughest moment he's ever faced was boarding a plane to Korea, the first time in his life he'd ever said goodbye to his parents. It's only for the summer, of course, honestly it's more like an extended vacation. He gets to compete on a televised program doing something he loves, and outside of helping his aunt out at her restaurant, he has no responsibilities.

Hanbin, on the other hand, is probably busy every day, trying to compose songs to keep his team together, leading them through gruelling practice after gruelling practice, all while watching friends he trained with prepare for their own debut. Bobby can't help but feel slighted on Hanbin's behalf.

He’s not sure why Hanbin seems to have opened up to him in ways he’s not opening to the others, Woosung in particular. He’s grateful, whatever the reason is, but it’s still confusing. He wonders if Hanbin even has any friends outside of his company? Probably not, if he's so focused on making the idol thing work out. Bobby doesn't know when he'd have time to see anyone. If Hanbin can't even spare an hour to join them all after a taping, when else would he have time for them?

Bobby arrives at the taping studio early and he makes his way to the back, stowing his bag in his team's dressing room. He passes by the YG room and pauses when he sees Hanbin laying on the floor. The door is open but the lights are off, and Hanbin's got his headphones in. Bobby just stands there watching him, curious about what he's doing, wondering if he should find some believable excuse for interrupting him. Maybe to make sure he's okay? He really just wants an excuse to talk to him, especially if no one else is around yet.

So he enters the room and nudges Hanbin's leg with his foot. Hanbin cracks an eye open and looks up at him, sitting up and pulling his headphones out and Bobby's surprised to hear what sounds like heavy guitars and drums coming out of the earbuds. He'd have never pegged Hanbin as someone who would listen to hard rock music. Full of surprises.

“Sorry for intruding,” Bobby says to him with a smile, “I just got worried when I saw you lying there. Wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Hanbin nods but keeps his head down, eyes averted as he turns the music off. “Yeah, I'm good.” It's a curt answer that practically screams  _ stop talking to me _ and Bobby’s taken aback at the abruptness of it all. Usually Hanbin seems excited to see him, he greets him with a big smile and friendly eyes, but today he’s closed off. Bobby knows about him now, knows what he’s gone through, and he wants the happier Hanbin he’s gotten to know to come back. This quiet one in front of him now has him worried.

“What are you listening to?” He asks, because he figures it’s an easier way to start a conversation than asking Hanbin if everything is okay.

Hanbin shrugs and winds the earbuds around his phone. “Ah, just some German song.”

“German?” Bobby asks, surprised. “You speak German?”

Hanbin’s expression is slightly embarrassed at the question. “Nope, just,” he shrugs, like he's got no idea how to explain what he's thinking, “sometimes I like to listen to music in languages I don't speak. Helps me think without getting distracted.”

“That makes sense,” Bobby says, though it’s something he’s never done before. “What's the song about?”

“I don't know,” Hanbin replies, “that's kind of the whole point. Just wanted to listen to something that has a certain sound and kind of make up my own meaning.” He keeps looking at everything except Bobby, and that's got Bobby wondering if he's touching on some personal nerve of Hanbin's. He decides to sit down, since Hanbin hasn't asked him to leave.

“So, what's your meaning for the song?” He wants to ask Hanbin if he can hear it. He hopes that won’t be pushing him too much.

Hanbin bites his lip and takes a few seconds to reply, and Bobby worries that he's going to skirt his way around giving an actual answer. But Hanbin surprises him in the end.

“Well, it's got a kind of sad, hopeless vibe,” he begins, “but then it gets kind of angry? So it just feels like a guy singing about being stuck in this situation, like I picture it being something he thought he wanted, but then when he's in it, he's not so sure anymore? But he can't find a way out of it.”

“Is that how you feel?” Bobby asks him without thinking, and Hanbin shoots him a wounded look that surprises Bobby with its intensity.

“What, you think I hate my life, or something?” Hanbin asks, and Bobby scrambles to fix whatever he did wrong. He’s never encountered Hanbin like this before, angry and cold-shouldered.

“I don't know, I just thought, you know, why else would you be listening to it?” He's probably just making it worse, but he’s trying to salvage what he can.

“For inspiration?” Hanbin shoots back, looking annoyed.

Bobby's face scrunches into a look of confusion at Hanbin's unexpected answer. “Why the fuck would you want to be inspired about someone who hates their life choices?” Hanbin's expression is such a mixture of confused and annoyed that it makes Bobby grin.

Hanbin doesn't answer right away, and Bobby feels like Hanbin is coming to some sort of judgement about him. He waits patiently for Hanbin's verdict, hoping he hasn't shot himself in the foot.

Hanbin shrugs and his face loses the anger. “It’s a long story, and kinda personal. It just helps to be in an angry mood sometimes.”

Bobby nods, even though he disagrees. He hates feeling angry, does anything in his power to be as happy as possible as often as possible. But then he hasn’t gone through the things Hanbin has gone through. So he shouldn’t judge.

“Why are you even listening to angry German music, anyway?” Bobby asks. “I don't mean to pry, but why do you want to be angry?” He’s relieved that Hanbin has lost the glare, but he’s more concerned for it. What long story is he keeping to himself?

Hanbin shrugs again, and his eyes are back on his hands instead of on Bobby. “I've just had a lot to be angry about, lately.”

Okay, so Hanbin’s not budging. Bobby is still determined to chip away. “But why German? What made you pick that language?”

Hanbin's expression turns a little sheepish then, and Bobby can't help but think that the softer expression just makes him look cute. “I wanted angry music to listen to while writing lyrics one day, but anything in Korean or English just distracted me. So I searched for what language was the angriest, and German seemed to come out on top. So then I searched for angry German music, and found this band. Went through their stuff and found some songs that fit what I was looking for.”

“Can I listen?” Bobby asks, and he thinks that maybe he's pushing it with the question, but Hanbin doesn't bristle, just glances down at his phone. Hanbin starts unwinding his headphones and Bobby smiles because it feels like he's won some kind of victory. He takes the offered earbuds from Hanbin and plugs them in, happy that Hanbin’s sharing this with him.

The song is quite pretty at the beginning, but he can hear exactly what Hanbin described in the music, and it’s all kind of haunting. Not really his thing, and listening to it actually has him feeling a little worried about how Hanbin’s doing. He must be having some terribly upsetting thoughts if he’s taking comfort in this sort of song. But he’s pried enough about it for today, so he doesn’t ask.

Instead he hands the earbuds back with a smile and expresses his gratitude for Hanbin sharing it with him. It’s worth it when Hanbin smiles and says that it’s not a big deal. But Hanbin’s whole demeanour is so drastically different now that Bobby thinks that it probably  _ was _ a big deal. Hanbin may still be a puzzle to him, but Bobby’s slowly putting him together.

“So, how come you never come out with us after tapings?” Bobby asks, because he feels like he might get a legit answer out of Hanbin after this.

Hanbin shakes his head and fixes him with an incredulous look. “Bobby, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not really good with new people.”

“You're fine with me!” Bobby replies, fixing Hanbin with an eye crinkling smile.

It works wonders on Hanbin, who smiles back at him in that dimpled-cheek cute kind of way. “Well that's because you were the first person who was friendly to me.”

Bobby takes it as a small victory. He hears voices and footsteps in the hall then and seconds later he sees some of the other contestants drifting by, including his own teammates. He wishes he could have more time with Hanbin, but he thinks he's made a good use of the time he had, because Hanbin's smiling at him now. Time to be bold.

“So, I know you probably have zero time to socialize outside of work, but take my number anyway,” Bobby offers, hoping Hanbin won't awkwardly turn him down, “you never know when you might need five minutes to talk to someone who's not in the idol business.”

Hanbin looks like he’s fighting with himself, but before he gets the chance the turn Bobby’s offer down his fingers are already working on his phone and he's passing it over to Bobby, telling him to add his number to his contacts. Bobby gleefully types his number in, titling it “SMTM Ji ₩ aka Bobby” and when Hanbin snorts in laughter at his chosen name, Bobby's feeling pretty good.

He gets up to leave but turns around at the door. “Call me some time!” Bobby demands, and he hopes Hanbin doesn't just think he's offering for show. “I mean it! I don't have many friends here so I'm bored.”

Hanbin smiles back and says he'll text him some time if he's got a spare minute. Bobby leaves then and heads for his own dressing room, and as soon as he settles into the couch next to Chamane his phone dings with a new message.

It's from Hanbin.

_ 'good luck tonite, hyung! thank you for the talk it was nice :)' _

Bobby quickly saves his number, unable to hide the smile from his face.

Operation 'Befriend Hanbin' has just taken a huge leap into the realm of possibility.

 

* * *

  
It’s not that Hanbin meant to tell Bobby as much as he’d told him. Because he hadn’t. But he’s been drowning lately, ever since Sunday when he went home to see his parents. He’d told his members it was because he needed inspiration for his solo track on the next round of SMTM, and while that wasn’t a lie, it also wasn’t the entire truth.   
  
He’d gone because his mother had asked him to, and when he’d told her he was busy, she’d told him that he  _ had _ to. Apparently there was something going on that he needed to be aware of.   
  
He’d been afraid it was about his sister. Was Hanbyul sick? Was something wrong with her? He’d give everything up for her if he had to, no questions asked. But he’d kept his fears to himself, hadn’t even confided in Jinhwan. He couldn’t, not until he knew what the issue was.   
  
So he’d left them Sunday morning under Jinhwan’s charge and he’d gotten a ride to his parents’ house in a company car. His nerves were firing the entire car ride, to the point that he’d closed his eyes and concentrated on nothing more than deep breaths the entire way there. When he made it home he was surprised that it was only his parents. His sister was with their grandparents.   
  
He quickly found out why.   
  


* * *

  
_ “There’s an investigation pending at your father’s company,” his mom began the explanation, and Hanbin finds himself looking at his father in surprise, because how bad can it be if he can’t even explain it himself? “There have been reports made to the police about some fraudulent financial situations.” _ __   
__   
_ The words go over his head at first listen. He’s stuck on only one of them—fraudulent. His mother keeps talking but Hanbin’s eyes are stuck on his father, who sits across from him, head bowed. _ __   
__   
_ “A few people are being investigated by the police, and your father is one of them.” _ __   
__   
_ He finally looks back at his mother, and his expression is one of disbelief. Surely this isn’t real? _ __   
__   
_ She understands the look and reaches out to take his hand. “This has been ongoing for a month already, but we didn’t want to burden you with it until we knew more.” _ __   
__   
_ A month. They’ve known about this for an entire month without telling him. How could they do that? His eyes flit between his parents, he doesn’t know which one of them to look at. He wants to speak but he has no idea what to say. He’s still in shock. _ __   
__   
_ “It doesn’t look good. The company has had to take precautions, of course. Once the investigations started, your father was replaced as CEO. We’ve been in discussions with our lawyer about it, and what with the evidence against the upper management, it just doesn’t look good.” _ __   
__   
_ It doesn’t look good. What is she trying to say? He locks his gaze on his father. _ __   
__   
_ “Dad?” He waits until his father’s usually strong gaze finds him, and he’s surprised by what he sees. Not once in his life has he seen his father look weak. His entire life has been filled with nothing but pictures of his father as a strong, confident man. That is not what he sees now before him. _ __   
__   
_ His father’s look is one of shame and fear intermingled. “I’m sorry, Hanbin.” _ __   
__   
_ “Did you do it?” He asks because he needs to know. He’d have never thought his father would be the type to do something so terrible. _ __   
__   
_ “Does it really matter, in the end?” His father replies, but Hanbin doesn’t understand the answer. _ __   
__   
_ “Of course it matters. Why would you even say that?” _ __   
__   
_ His father sighs loudly before answering, and his mother keeps her death grip on his hand. Hanbin is glad Hanbyul isn’t here. She’s too young for this. _ __   
__   
_ “We asked you to come here today to tell you that I’ve agreed to take a plea deal.” _ __   
__   
_ “A plea deal?” Hanbin repeats, terrified what he means by that. _ __   
__   
_ “There’s too much evidence that links me to having knowledge of this going on that I wouldn’t be able to fight it.” _ __   
__   
_ Hanbin feels sick to his stomach with the explanation—is he admitting guilt or not? _ __   
__   
_ “My lawyer is going to demand that with my deal comes a guarantee of silence. I don’t want this to get out, I don’t want it to affect you.” _ __   
__   
_ “But did you do it?” Hanbin asks, desperation layered over fear. _ __   
__   
_ His father looks at him with tired eyes, face creased in worry. “It doesn’t matter. The accusation alone is enough to damage you, you know the public won’t care what the truth is. They will put my mistakes on your shoulders, and I cannot allow that.” _ __   
__   
_ “But did you do it?” He repeats, his voice louder, angrier, like the recoil of a shotgun. _ __   
__   
_ “No.” _ __   
__   
_ “Then why are you taking a deal to say you did?” Hanbin can’t help but feel like it’s a betrayal. He can’t be the son of a criminal (even if it’s not true, police reports will always show the opposite). _ __   
__   
_ “To keep it quiet. You know what will happen if this gets out. Even if I fight it, there’s enough evidence that I will still be convicted. Because in truth, I should have seen what was happening, had I been paying attention to the books.” _ __   
__   
_ “But it’s not your job to look for that—” _ __   
__   
_ His father interrupts him and his face hardens in disagreement. “But it is. Or it was. You should know that, Hanbin. When you’re a leader, and someone under your lead does something wrong, you take responsibility for it, because you should have known. That’s your job as a leader, to be aware of your team.” _ __   
__   
_ It’s such a slap in the face, but it’s true. He knows it from his own responsibilities, and his father knows that. He faced it during WIN with Seungjae, faced it after WIN, again with Seungjae. He’s gone to bat for his members numerous times when he didn’t have to, and he’s always shouldered the responsibility for it. His father knows that too well. _ __   
__   
_ “And even if I did fight it and win, you still know what people would say. That your company paid the judge. That YG paid to cover this up so you could debut. Either way, Hanbin, you will suffer, and you will be put at risk. If I take the deal, there’s a good chance this will never get out.” _ __   
__   
_ That’s not enough for Hanbin. “But what if it does? What if it gets out, and then it was all for nothing. I can’t let you have a criminal record just to try and keep this all quiet. I can’t.” How can his parents think he’d be okay with this? How could they have made this decision without consulting him? _ __   
__   
_ His father shakes his head and his face loses the hardness, replaces it with guilt. “That’s not your call, Hanbin. It’s mine. Let me do what I can to protect you.” _ __   
__   
_ Since he became old enough to truly understand emotions and how important it is to mask them, Hanbin can count the number of times he’s cried in front of other people on one hand, and he hates that right now he’s adding another. But he can’t stop the tears from coming out and he tugs his hand out of his mother’s grip and buries his face in his palms, trying to stifle the sobs that come up from his throat. He feels a hand on his back and he doesn’t know which one of them it is, and he doesn’t care. _ __   
__   
_ This can’t be happening. Is it some kind of sign that he’s not meant to pursue music? Is that what this is? A warning? _ __   
__   
_ ‘Turn back now or face the spiteful wrath of fate. You are not meant for this; you are not meant for good things.’ _ __   
__   
__ His father is right. It doesn’t matter what he does. Either way, Hanbin is doomed, and there is no way to escape it.   
  


* * *

  
He’d spent the better part of the day with his parents, and he hadn’t even had the heart to tell them about Mix & Match. They know about SMTM and when they ask him how he’s doing he says it’s going well. But he keeps M&M to himself, because even though he’s angry that they kept their struggles from him for a month, he understands all too well why.   
  
His parents have enough on their plate right now without worrying about him struggling through yet another survival show. So he lies and tells them that he’s enjoying SMTM (which he  _ is, _ but he’s also having a tough time) and he doesn’t tell them a word about M&M, doesn’t tell them about the new trainees that are sucking the life out of him, doesn’t tell them about constant sleepless nights and constant days of feeling sick to his stomach at all hours.   
  
They bring Hanbyul home at his request and he gets to spend a few hours with her. He reads her a book and listens to her tell him about all her princess toys, and when he holds her close and cries into her hair he lies to her too and says the tears are just because he misses her so much, and maybe it’s only half a lie but the truth is that he’s crying because he’s afraid for her too. She’s not old enough to understand what’s about to happen to their father. She doesn’t understand that he’s doing it to protect Hanbin.   
  
It’s difficult to get himself together when he’s with her, but she’s not old enough to understand why he’s breaking down. At least his parents understood his tears, but he doesn’t want to make her feel bad. Instead he helps her pick out one of her princess toys and he helps her pack a tiny bag of clothes for it, and she makes him write down a list of things the princess will need every day, because she’s insisting that he take it with him when he goes back to the dorm.   
  
If Hanbyul can’t go with him when he leaves, she wants him to take one of her dolls with him, one of her  _ friends _ to watch over him, and he’s not sure if he’s ever going to be able to look at her doll without crying. She’s too young for all of this, and Hanbin’s so afraid for her.   
  
But he’s afraid for himself, too, and he’s afraid for his members, and he’s afraid for his mother, having to shoulder all of this alone, and he’s afraid for his father, because he’s going too far to protect his family.   
  
Hanbin tries not to feel guilty about it, and right now he doesn’t.   
  
But in a few hours, when he lays down to sleep, he knows the guilt will come at him full-force then, and he knows that in the end, he’s going to let it consume him.   
  
But he’ll endure it, and he won’t tell any of the others about it, not until he absolutely has to.   
  
Because that’s his job as the leader. He has to shoulder the burden alone so the others don’t suffer.   
  
And if he falls apart in the process? Well, that’s just the price of the industry. It won’t always be happy, and it won’t always be easy. But it’s always worth it, if it works out in the end. He has to keep telling himself that in order to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The situation with Hanbin's dad is inspired by real life controversy back in 2014. I never did find any concrete details about what happened, so this is just my take on it for the story. I apologize if it makes anyone uncomfortable, but I think it is an important thing to remember that Hanbin really was dealing with during the summer of 2014.


	7. Round 4: Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first round of solo stages happens. Bobby texts Hanbin for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the SMTM results are different from the show from here on out. I had to re-jig some things. ;)

An hour later finds Bobby with thoughts that still flit between himself and Hanbin. On one hand—he finally has his number, so he can text him whenever he wants, and that’s good. But on the other he can’t help but wonder about their conversation. What’s Hanbin been so angry about lately? Maybe it’s a little foolish that he cares so much, but after watching his survival show, Bobby can’t help but worry about him.  
  
He shouldn’t be thinking about Hanbin right now, but to be honest it helps because if he’s thinking about Hanbin, at least he’s not stressing out about himself and what he’s got on his plate tonight.   
  
Which is most unfortunately a performance against Vasco. It’s unfair, but at the same time he should be proud of what it means. He was the top performer for his team in the last round, and he’s still grateful to all those people who voted for him despite knowing next to nothing about him.   
  
Vasco got the votes because he’s a legend in the Korean hip hop community. Bobby got his votes because people were legitimately impressed with his performance. There’s no point in dwelling on what-ifs. He’s competing against Vasco, and even if he loses his round, it doesn’t mean he’s out completely. It’s daunting and a little scary to think that things might end for him here, but all he can do is go out and give the best performance of his life.   
  
He’s excited for it either way because he’s a little in love with his performance track. He’s made his own version of the Illionaire hyungs’ track and it’s exactly the sort of song he’s been wanting to make. He wasn’t supposed to let anyone else listen to it, but he video called Robbie to get his opinion, and Robbie had told him to hurry up and release it officially so he could blast it to their friends.   
  
Bobby’s confident, he knows it’s a good song. But it’s against _Vasco_ , and there’s no helping that.   
  
He’s also grateful for just being guaranteed to perform. He’s currently sitting in between Toy and Chamane, and neither of them know for sure who’s going to be up against C Jamm (well, it could always be Hyunsuk, but none of them really expect it will be, because who would pick someone kind of unknown over someone who’s got a name in the industry?). Bobby’s nervous for the both of them, though. C Jamm is no easier feat than Vasco, really. They both have their own sets of fans, and they’re both highly respected.   
  
Bobby’s mostly nervous for Toy. They both see the way that the producers fawn over Chamane like a son. Even though Bobby hasn’t really known her for too long, he knows that Toy is too proud to call them on it and ask for equal treatment. He’s worried she’s going to go home without getting to perform tonight. She deserves more.   
  
But it’s almost time for the taping to start, and he looks down at his phone again, at Hanbin’s good luck message.   
  
It makes him feel a little better.   


* * *

  
Hanbin’s head is wrapped around a little bit of everything during his performance and he thinks that’s probably what helps him in the end. He’s shown himself in equal parts playful idol rapper and arrogant hotblood so far on the show, but tonight is the first glimpse he shows of his vulnerable side (at least he hopes people see it layered underneath the confident _fuck everyone_ attitude). He hopes they hear it in the lyrics he’s written.   
  
And maybe it’s a bit of a warning of things to come, of all the things he’s hiding. He says it as much in the lyrics— _I know that they’re gonna say shit about me_ —and they will. Whether it’s now or in three months’ time. It’s coming, and he’s barely prepared for it.   
  
He thinks he’s doing a good job of hiding it all, but he’s not entirely sure. Maybe he’s just tired of playing his role, but Woosung has completely abandoned his on-screen rivalry with him, and tonight he’s even taken it upon himself to be extra nice to Hanbin.   
  
Then again maybe he’s just trying to butter up Tablo. If he’s nice to Hanbin, maybe it’ll ensure they pick him over Jidam. Hanbin doesn’t know for sure, but he’s decided to take Woosung’s attempts at friendship for face-value, because he’s too tired to watch his back around him anymore.   
  
When he comes back to the dressing room after seeing his results (just barely beating out Iron) Woosung is the first one to congratulate him, to hug him and shake him, to tell he kicked ass. It’s weird for Hanbin to accept. But it’s nice.   
  
And when Woosung beats Giriboy, Hanbin repays the excitement, hugs him right back and tells him he kicked ass. It’s weird, seeing the elation on someone else’s face. He and Woosung are so similar, yet they’re truly worlds apart. Woosung needs this show to propel himself—Hanbin’s guaranteed a career without the show at all.   
  
Which inevitably brings him around to the same miserable spot of wondering whether he should really be here. He doesn’t _need_ this show—he just _wants_ it. Was he being selfish when he agreed to try out?   
  
Those thoughts plague him all night. He tries to block them out as he watches the other performances but they never seem to leave. It hurts him deeply when he watches Bobby lose against Vasco.   
  
Is it even right for Vasco to be here? Is it right for him to compete against someone like Bobby, who has no exposure, only to wipe the floor with him?   
  
And honestly the results piss Hanbin off anyway. He’s always been a big fan of Vasco’s. But tonight he thought Bobby had the better performance, thought he had the stage that better suited the show. If anyone other than Vasco had tried to pull some rock track off, they’d have been booed off the stage. But Vasco does it and the fans praise him?   
  
Hanbin should be happy on his way home, he should be excited for making it through to the next round. But it feels like a hollow victory, in a sense. It feels undeserved, like it felt during the previous taping when he finished in second place.   
  
Does he really deserve any of it?   
  
Or is this just the high cliff he stands on before the wind of his father’s lawsuit violently blows him off and smashes him down into the jagged rocks below? It’s terrifying, not knowing if anything will come of it. Each night he dreams about it—of police cars swarming his house and dragging his father away, of the news showing clips of his mother and his sister, crying as they watch. He sees his own face next, he sees petitions calling for him to resign, he sees his group thrown to the wolves, broken apart without him.   
  
Every day he wakes up and nervously checks the news, but every day he sees nothing, and he tries to calm himself down before going to work.   
  
It’s so exhausting that after a while he stops being so affected, stops waking up in a cold sweat panic.   
  
But he still checks the news every morning.   
  
Just in case.   


* * *

  
Bobby can’t help but grin when the hyungs make their suggestion about the next round. He falls for their good natured jabs at Vasco’s refusal to do a normal hip hop stage, he gets hyped up for their plans to do something with a bit of a dance vibe to it instead. They’ll have background dancers, they’ll throw stacks of cash around, they tell him, they’ll make a big production out of it.   
  
Why the hell not? He wants to have a good time with his stages, wants to show his best side. He’s tried to be a bit more serious so far. Maybe it’s time for something else.   
  
He leaves their studio in a great mood, he’s got the beat on his phone ready for him to work on lyrics. But first he decides to head down to the river for a quick bite to eat. He needs to be at his aunt’s in an hour and a half for the dinner rush. He has time now to enjoy the sun.   
  
He gets a container of tteokbeokki and sinks down into the grass, playing on his phone while he eats. He gets the sudden urge to text Hanbin. They haven’t talked since the taping. Bobby’s thought about texting him a few times, but so far they’ve stayed as urges only because he’s lost his nerve.   
  
But today’s different.   
  
_‘yo hanbin!! wuts up bro?? jus got don wit the hyungs, workin on next round. u started urs yet?? lookin forward to hearin wut u do! n e way bro hope ur well!!’_   
  
He doesn’t read it over before sending it, hoping that his rambling is somewhat coherent at least. But seconds later he realizes he’s sent the entire message in English, and he doesn’t know if Hanbin’s English skills are good enough to translate it all, so he hastily types another message.   
  
_‘yo sorry its all english man i forgot u might not speak it!! its a habit, haha’_   
  
Before he can retype it in Korean, he already has an answer.   
  
_‘its ok, i understand it’_   
  
Bobby’s almost too surprised at the sudden answer to say anything.   
  
_‘i got started on my track, its going good’_   
  
Bobby smiles a little stupidly at the message. It feels weird to be texting with Hanbin, mostly because there’s so much unknown that surrounds him. Bobby wonders what Hanbin’s doing right now, wants to ask him if he’s busy. Where does Hanbin even live? What area of the city?   
  
_‘hey u busy?? u workin or u wanna hang out or sumthin?’_ Bobby sends the request without thinking about it and wonders why he feels so nervous. He never feels weird texting Woosung or Toy. But Hanbin… He gets those _butterflies in the stomach_ kind of feeling. Maybe it’s just because Hanbin is a bit of a celebrity already.   
  
_‘id love to hang out but im working, sorry :(‘_   
  
Bobby’s a little disappointed, but it’s also kind of cute because Hanbin actually puts a sad face in his message. Like he’s trying to convey that he really does want to hang out.   
  
_‘i figured but thought id ask!! wut u up to tho? workin wit ur group?’_ Bobby munches on another bite of his tteokbeokki while he waits for the answer, curious what Hanbin is going to say. He wonders if he’d be allowed to go visit the YG building if he asked. Would Hanbin be allowed to give him a tour?   
  
_‘yeah we have a group dance thing we’re doing, on a break right now’_   
  
Bobby smiles at the thought, and he remembers watching their group performances on WIN. He was actually blown away by how good their dancing is, Hanbin’s especially. He’d have never guessed it by talking to him. Hanbin has this amazing charisma when he’s performing that isn’t really there when he’s not on stage. Bobby wonders if he just works himself so hard that it’s tiring to keep it up when he doesn’t have to.   
  
_‘cool!! i saw ur dances on the show u did, the win one, u guys are amazing really!! wut song r u doing a dance for? is it for that monthly eval thing u guys do??’_ He hopes Hanbin won’t be bothered by his questions, but he actually is curious.   
  
Hanbin doesn’t answer as quickly, and Bobby wonders if it’s because he’s trying to decide what he can tell him. But finally Hanbin’s reply appears.   
  
_‘yeah i guess you could say its the eval thing… you know nelly, right? doing his track hot in herre’_   
  
Bobby grins at the answer.   
  
_‘yeah i know nelly!!!! that tracks awesome, bet ur dance is amazing!!’_ He hopes he’s not coming on too strong, but he really does think that Hanbin’s team would kill a dance to that track.   
  
_‘do u guys take ur clothes off for it?? ;)’_ Bobby can’t help but tease him, and he hopes it doesn’t bother Hanbin.   
  
It doesn’t.   
  
_‘lol why you think we should??’_   
  
_‘u kinda got to, right?? says it in the song lol’_   
  
_‘true kk i will think about adding in a strip scene cause you asked ;)’_   
  
Bobby grins and wonders if he should be concerned that those damn butterflies are still there, slam dancing in his stomach. What makes Hanbin so special that dumb little teasing text conversations make him so happy?   
  
_‘k well am i gon get to see it tho?? cuz im curious now!!’_   
  
Hanbin takes his time answering again.   
  
_‘you will see it eventually but i cant say more!! i gotta go now, sorry, break time is over’_   
  
Bobby frowns but at the same time he’s just happy that Hanbin replied to him in the first place. _‘kk but text me later and let me know if u put it in the choreo ok??’_   
  
_‘kk i will promise bye’_   
  
Bobby doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the evening.   


* * *

  
“Please tell me you’re texting a girl?”   
  
Hanbin looks up from his phone to see Seungjae standing in front of him, grinning down at him. Hanbin grins back at him. “Yeah, I’m texting your mom.”   
  
Seungjae laughs and gently knees him in the head. “Bro, not cool! I love my mom but she’s old. Now if I were to be texting _your_ mom, that would be something to brag about.”   
  
Hanbin glares at him good naturedly. “Don’t talk to my mom.”   
  
Seungjae grins back. “You want another sister?”   
  
Hanbin tosses his phone aside and tackles him, and Seungjae lets him. They’re all laughing, though, and Seungjae knows he toed the line so he even lets Hanbin pummel him a little, even though he could easily throw Hanbin off. Jinhwan is the one who finally breaks them up.   
  
“Are you two done making out on camera?” Jinhwan teases, and Seungjae whines but finally pushes Hanbin off. Hanbin just grins and rolls over to grab his phone again.   
  
“I just wanted to know who our Hanbinnie was texting,” Seungjae explains, “because I haven’t seen him smiling like that in weeks and I wanted to thank whoever it was.”   
  
Hanbin blushes a little at the comment, even though it worries him. Has he really been showing a miserable side lately? He’s been trying not to, but he’s been more focused on _don’t show that you’re falling apart_ instead of _pretend you’re happy_ . He’ll have to make more of an effort.   
  
Jinhwan perks up at Seungjae’s comment. “Oh was he? I missed that. Who was making you smile, Bin-ah?”   
  
Hanbin rolls his eyes at the both of them and locks his phone. “It was just Sajangnim, telling me he was going to let me drop you losers and go solo.” Everyone laughs (because they know that out of them all, Hanbin is the very last one who’d leave a single one of them behind).   
  
“Bullshit, we’d be nothing without you. Who were you talking to? Was it Hayi? You shouldn’t be so awkward with her, you’re the same age.” Seungjae presses, and Hanbin wishes that were true. He and Hayi _are_ awkward, as much as he tries not to be. She’s just very intimidating, and in all honesty he’s mostly worried that she doesn’t actually like him.   
  
“Please, hyung, say it was Hayi! I don’t think I can stand another meeting with you all quiet around her.” Donghyuk pleads, and he smiles so sweetly at Hanbin that he can’t bring himself to feel betrayed.   
  
“I wasn’t talking to a girl.” Hanbin admits, and of course they all give him exasperated looks for it.   
  
“Boring,” Seungjae calls out, and the others mimic him.   
  
“All of you shut up and get in formation!” Hanbin replies, glaring playfully at them.   
  
“Who was it then?” Jinhwan asks.   
  
“It’s not important.” Hanbin replies, and he stands up to try and corral them into practice.   
  
“Who? Tell us or we’re not practicing.” Seungjae taunts, and they all band around him, taking any opportunity they can to tease Hanbin before he gets serious on them in practice again.   
  
Hanbin shakes his head and lays his phone on the desk by the computer. “Honestly, you guys are annoying.”   
  
“Kim Hanbin!” Jinhwan calls out in his authoritative mat-hyung voice.   
  
Hanbin glares at him but answers. “It was just Bobby, one of the guys from SMTM.”   
  
“Bobby? The American?” Seungjae asks in disbelief. “He’s not even on your team!”   
  
“So?” Hanbin fires back, frowning at Seungjae. “Didn’t you tell me to make friends?”   
  
Seungjae grins at the comment. “Yeah, that’s true. I’m sorry for questioning you! I’m proud you made one friend.”   
  
Hanbin still hears the derision in his voice, and he glares at Seungjae, and if it weren’t for Jinhwan they might have tackled each other again just for fun.   
  
But Hanbin thinks again, suddenly, about Seungjae’s comment. Had he really been smiling so much while texting with Bobby? So much that Seungjae noticed it?   
  
It doesn’t mean anything. He’s just not used to having a friend outside of the company, that’s all. He’s not used to having someone he can text with during the day, because usually he’s with his only friends 24/7.   
  
It doesn’t mean anything more than that. No matter what Seungjae or Jinhwan might have to say about it.


	8. Round 5 - Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanbin experiences unexpected highs and devastating lows while working on his song for round 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring your tissues cause it's a bit of a bumpy chapter for Hanbin. ;)
> 
> Also a reminder: from this point forward the results on SMTM may deviate from reality.

“What direction do you want to take for this round?”   
  
Tablo’s question hangs for a moment while Hanbin mulls it over. He’s done a lot of thinking about this round because the theme is an important one—love. He’s got multiple ways he could go with the track: his love for music, his love for his fans, his members, his family.   
  
But he wants to do something really touching. Given the pending storm surrounding his life right now, there’s one part of it that is untouchable by the public if everything goes to shit. There’s one thing that’s always guaranteed to make him push himself just a bit harder every time he feels like collapsing. One person whose voice could pierce through the fog and always bring a smile to his face.   
  
Hanbyul.   
  
He needs a guest for the track on this round, and he’s been debating if he can really ask for the help he wants. It’s a personal topic, not something to just ask for and expect. But he wants to do this round with Tablo, wants to ask him if he’d be willing to write about his daughter. Because Hanbin’s up against Vasco, and he knows that Vasco has a son, and he’s sure his track is going to be about him. So h e focuses on Tablo and tries to be positive about asking.   
  
“Hyung, would you guest on the track with me?”   
  
Tablo seems surprised by the request, but he smiles in response. “I’m touched by your request, I’d love to be your guest. You seem like you have something specific in mind, though.”   
  
Hanbin nods and knows that this is the moment that matters. “I’d like to write about Hanbyul.”   
  
Tablo’s smile turns even softer at the explanation and his expression is one of pride. “Would you like me to write about Haru?”   
  
Hanbin nods and feels hopeful. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but lately, well, I’ve been struggling a lot lately, so I think about her all the time.”   
  
“I understand,” Tablo replies, “young children are a great driving force when it comes to inspiring yourself to work hard. I think it would be a good opportunity for you to show that side of yourself, to show that even though you’re young, you have this responsibility in your life, this little person who looks up to you. We could really do something special with this topic.”   
  
He feels a great weight lift off his shoulders at Tablo’s acceptance and understanding. This is the chance he needs, the opportunity for a song about a topic so dear to him that he’ll easily be able to pen down lyrics that touch people’s hearts. And maybe, if that stuff about his dad ever does come out, maybe this will soften the blow.   
  


* * *

  
“I miss you baby!”   
  
Bobby smiles at the screen, eyes locked on his mother. They’re video chatting for the first time in a week. Everyone’s been busy at home and the few times his mother has had a moment to call him he’s never been available. But he’s available now and talking to her is soothing. He’s only been gone for a little over a month, but he misses her so much.   
  
“Are you still doing well on the show? Are you allowed to tell me?”   
  
He grins back at her question. “I don’t think I’m supposed to say anything, so you have to promise me you’ll keep this a secret.”   
  
His mother laughs at him for his teasing. “You can’t keep secrets from your mother, so out with it!”   
  
She’s right—he can’t keep secrets from her. “I’m in the top 6! It’s been going really well so far, performing on the show is intoxicating. It’s everything I wanted it to be, you know? Performing in front of people at the tapings is crazy, it’s so good!”   
  
“Oh baby I’m so happy for you! I knew you’d do well, didn’t I say that? My baby will go all the way to the final, that’s what I’ve been telling everyone who asks.”   
  
Bobby can’t help but blush at her comment. Her support is so genuine and so complete that sometimes he wonders how he got so lucky. “Don’t get too excited, it’s really tough from here on out. If I make it to the semi-final I’m probably going to have to face one of two guys, and they’re super popular with the fans. I don’t know if I can beat them, but it’s okay. I got so much from the show already, the producers I’m working with really like me. They said that even if I don’t win, they want me to do a few songs on their next album, and they want me to do some live shows with them too, cause they like my energy so much!”   
  
His mom’s face lights up and she claps excitedly. “Oh baby! Tell them your mother says thank you!”   
  
“I will not!” Bobby refutes, but laughs at her request.   
  
“Are they on that Twitter thing? Your mother will get herself a Twitter and send them a nice message, okay?”   
  
“Mom! Don’t you dare!” Bobby would be mortified if she did it. He doesn’t think she would, but he’s never been away from her for so long, so maybe the separation is making her a little crazy. He’ll have to ask Jiun to watch her.   
  
“How are you doing aside from the show? Are you being good to your auntie, helping her out?”   
  
“Of course I am, mom.”   
  
“Are you making friends over there?”   
  
Bobby smiles back at her and nods. “Yeah, I’ve made a few good friends from the show. One of them actually trains at one of the big entertainment companies here, YG. That’s where Psy is, you know the Gangnam Style guy? He’s signed at YG.”   
  
She looks impressed. “Oh wow, do people know who he is?”   
  
“Yeah, kinda. He was on a survival reality show last year, about making a new group. His team lost, but they let him come on this show and he’s doing really well.”   
  
She frowns at his answer. “He was already on TV? Then why is he on this show? I thought it was for people who aren’t well known?”   
  
Bobby shakes his head, immediately feeling the need to protect Hanbin. “No, anyone can come on the show! There’s guys on the show that are more well known than him, like the guy I mentioned before, Vasco, he’s like, super popular in the rap game! So if he can come on the show, anyone can come on.” She nods, but he feels the need to keep explaining. “Besides, the show Hanbin was on, that’s my friend, well it was like, mostly teenage girls that watched it, you know? This show is different though, it’s big in the whole rap community. So he wants to prove himself, cause everyone says that idols can’t be real rappers. He wants to prove them wrong.”   
  
She grins at him and holds her hands up in mock surrender. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend him! I was just curious about it, baby, that’s all.”   
  
Bobby feels a little dumb for having jumped to such conclusions about her reasons for asking. “No it’s okay, I’m sorry I got defensive. I guess I just feel a little protective of him. He’s younger than me, but he’s done so much more than me. He worked way harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, he’s got a group and like, he does everything for them, you know? Writes their music, choreographs all their dances. He worked so hard on his show he did last year, only to lose out by a small little bit. I just feel bad for him, I think he deserves to do really good.”   
  
His mom smiles at his explanation and tells him that she thinks it’s very sweet of him to have developed such a close friendship with someone like that. Bobby wonders if she’d watch WIN if he sent her the links. He’s not sure why, but he kind of wants to show Hanbin off to her.   
  
Their conversation leads to family and Bobby tells her about the small reunion they’re having soon. He’ll get to see aunts, uncles, and cousins that he hasn’t seen yet, the ones who live outside of Seoul. He’s looking forward to it, to connect with family members he hasn’t seen in a long time. But then it’s time for his mother to go because it’s late in the night back home and she has to get some sleep. Saying goodbye is always difficult, he always chokes up, and this time is no different. He just misses his family so much! He doesn’t think he’s got a chance at winning anymore, but he wants to, because he’s dreaming about moving his family back here.   
  
He wants it so bad.   
  


* * *

  
Hanbin’s in a rush down the hall, on his way to Tablo’s studio. He’s been working with Tablo all week in between monitoring group practices for Mix & Match. He hasn’t been sleeping much, trying to squeeze everything in, but he thinks it’s coming together. Jinhwan has been a big help in keeping the others focused when he’s not around, but he still feels bad for having to skip out so often.   
  
Today he’s meeting with not just Tablo, but Woosung as well. They’re getting together as a team to show each other their work, to get some feedback on how the songs are going. He doesn’t know anything about Woosung’s track right now, doesn’t even know who his guest is. He feels bad for not asking, but he’s been busy.   
  
He’s almost at the stairs when someone yanks him from behind, catching him in a mini headlock for a brief second. Hanbin turns around in surprise, expecting it to be Mino, but instead his eyes widen in disbelief and his mouth forms a perfect little o of shock before pulling up into a huge smile.   
  
“Hyung!”   
  
The grinning face of Kwon Jiyong greets him. “Hey Hanbin-ah, how are you? I heard you’ve been really busy lately, sorry I haven’t been around to check in on you.”   
  
Hanbin feels about a million times lighter with the question, just because the meeting itself is so unexpected. “Yeah, you could say I’ve been busy.” How much does Jiyong know about the show? Does he know about both shows? Hanbin isn’t even sure what he can say to him.   
  
“How are you doing with it all, are you okay? How are the new kids coming along, you’ve got three of them, right?” That answers the question about what Jiyong knows, and despite the smile on his face Hanbin can hear the concern in his voice. Jiyong understands what kind of position he’s in.   
  
He smiles back at him and shrugs. “It’s a little tough, with the three, but they’re all starting to come around. They’ve improved a lot from where they were.” That much is especially true of Chanwoo and Jinhyeong. Hongseok still needs a lot of work, but his time has been shorter, and after blowing up at him a week ago for not training hard, Hanbin has noticed a distinct improvement in his attitude over the past week.   
  
Jiyong nods and crosses his arms over his chest, his hawk eyes examining Hanbin’s face. “Are you taking care of yourself?”   
  
Hanbin feels the sudden urge to blurt everything out to him—not just about work, but about his family, too. He doesn’t see Jiyong often, but there’s this silent understanding between them that came about after the end of WIN. Jiyong had sat him down for a few hours a couple of weeks after the show, had talked him through some of his most depressing thoughts. Ever since then Jiyong has made a habit of looking after him, of always offering himself to talk if needed. Hanbin thinks he does it because he understands the pressure. Despite not winning the show, everyone still talks about Hanbin like he’s Jiyong’s successor, there’s still mountains of expectation on his shoulders.   
  
But his concerns are not Jiyong’s concerns, and as much as he sometimes desperately wants someone outside the group to confide in, he can’t bring himself to be a burden on anyone. So he forces himself to smile and he hopes Jiyong believes it. “Of course I am, hyung. A lot of late nights, but you know, two shows going on at once, so I make do.”   
  
Jiyong smiles and reaches out to pat his cheek. He’s got a proud look on his face, and it hits Hanbin rather hard. “You always work so hard and never complain. I’m proud of you for that. But just remember that it’s okay to talk about all this stuff if you feel pressured, alright? I’m always here if you need me.” Jiyong hugs him and Hanbin clings tightly for a few seconds, feeling buoyed by the support. They part and Jiyong heads for the elevators and Hanbin takes the stairs in a daze. He always feels that way whenever Jiyong looks in on him.   
  
He feels a buzz in his pocket and he takes out his phone, feeling bad when he sees the message is from Tablo. He’s late, so he runs the rest of the way to the studio.   
  
“I’m sorry,” he greets as he enters the room, bowing to them all, “I ran into Jiyongie hyung in the hall, that’s why I’m late.”   
  
“Oh did you?” Tablo grins at him, “I suppose I can let your tardiness slide for G Dragon.”   
  
Hanbin grins bashfully and takes a seat next to Woosung, who shakes his head at him in disbelief.   
  
“You’re actually late because of G Dragon? What did you do, run him over?”   
  
Hanbin grins back at him. “No, actually he stopped me, he wanted to check in on me and see how I was doing.” He knows that it probably sounds like he’s bragging, and maybe he kind of is. Woosung’s eyes go comically wide at the answer.   
  
“GD wanted to talk to your dorky ass?” Woosung teases him, but there’s nothing malicious about it, it’s all friendly. It’s nice to finally be able to talk with him and not have to second guess everything he says. It feels like he’s talking to a friend.   
  
Tablo hushes them. “Alright, that’s enough, we have filming to do.” That’s when Hanbin notices the person at the mixing boards, sitting next to Wu.   
  
“Is that Jiho hyung?” He asks, and he smiles when Jiho turns around in his chair to greet him.   
  
“Ey! Hanbin-ah!” Block B’s leader beams at him, and Hanbin smiles back at him. He’s met Jiho a number of times through Minho, and the older rapper has always been friendly with him. He looks at Woosung, who’s sporting a very happy smile.   
  
“You’re doing your tracking with Zico? That’s awesome!”   
  
“Yeah, we’re actually rearranging one of GD’s songs, so it’s funny that you ran into him,” Woosung explains, and Tablo corrals them again into getting to work. For the first time in a while Hanbin has a very enjoyable afternoon, stress-free and fun. It’s easy to forget about everything else when you’re surrounded by people who are passionately working on something you enjoy.   
  
He knows he might not get another afternoon like this for a while, so he enjoys it while he can.   
  


* * *

  
It’s four in the morning by the time Hanbin makes it back to the dorm and he slips quietly into his room. He’s still settling into their newer, bigger dorm. He’s spent so little time here that he’s barely unpacked, so many of his things are still in a suitcase. But they needed more space with the three extra people.   
  
Once the show is over it’ll be nice. He’s always shared a room with Junhoe, but Seungjae is with them now that they’re in a bigger room, and Hanbin likes the idea of having him near, even if Junhoe and Seungjae are the biggest slobs in the group. As long as they keep his bed clear, he’ll be fine.   
  
He’s exhausted right now and he’s only coming back to sleep because he literally can’t push himself any harder. He’d been intending to spend an hour or two recording the final lines for his SMTM track, making sure he can get it sounding exactly the way he wants it. But mid-way through his work he’d gone to the bathroom, and on his way there he’d come across Hongseok, alone, in one of the training rooms. Hanbin had watched him for a bit as he struggled to improve his choreography.   
  
He’d left him with the intention of simply going back to work after he’d finished in the bathroom, but on his way back he’d stopped again, and the sight of Hongseok struggling with a dejected expression was enough to finally ignite Hanbin’s thus far dormant sense of compassion for the older vocalist.   
  
So he’d quietly let himself into the training room and offered his help, which Hongseok had gladly (but apologetically) accepted. Hanbin had told himself he’d only stay for no more than half an hour, just long enough to help Hongseok understand what he was doing wrong.   
  
But half an hour quickly turned into three hours, and Hanbin hadn’t even bothered to go back to his studio to shut off his computer before trudging back to the dorm to sleep. Hongseok chattered away on their walk back, as though he suddenly thought that they were now friends because Hanbin had finally offered him one on one help.   
  
Maybe it’s better this way. It can’t be good for Hongseok to constantly be walking on eggshells around him, trying so hard to impress him that he just gets in his own way. Even if Hanbin still doesn’t think he’ll ever suit their team, that decision is ultimately not up to him, and he can’t hold Hongseok responsible for his inclusion on the show. He’s just trying his best to make music work for him. If Hanbin keeps ignoring him, then he’s only being an irresponsible leader. He can’t play favourites and expect to be taken seriously. That’s not what being a good leader is about.   
  
He’s so tired that he expects to fall asleep the second his head hits the pillow, but his face lands on top of something hard and plastic—Hanbyul’s doll.   
  
He sits up again and takes it in his hands, his fingers playing with hair that he can’t quite see in the dark. He thinks about her, his little sister, and suddenly he thinks back to the last time he saw her, when he held her and cried into her hair.   
  
How could he have let himself break down like that in front of her? What kind of brother is he, allowing all of that to manifest so suddenly in front of a child who’s far too young to understand? How can he sleep at night, knowing that it might have had negative repercussions on her? What if she thinks about him and remembers that moment, what if she worries about him? He doesn’t know anything about children her age—maybe she’s forgotten all about it? But maybe she hasn’t. All he can do is hope that she has, and make a promise to himself to never let her see him like that ever again.   
  
But what’s going to happen when their father pleads guilty? What will happen to all of them when he willingly walks headfirst into life with a criminal background? What is he going to do, when Hanbyul grows up and understands, bit by bit, why it all happened? Will she blame him, when she gets older? Will she blame their family's prioritization of Hanbin's career over his father's life?   
  
He doesn’t even know if his dad is going to go to jail, hadn’t thought to ask. What type of conviction do you get when you’re charged with investment fraud? There were multiple people at his company being investigated, but with his dad as the CEO, Hanbin is sure it means he’ll take the worst fall. Whether because of his position, or because his dad wants to shield others from a worse fate, Hanbin feels like it’ll come down hardest on him. If his father is willing to plead guilty to a crime he’s innocent of just to protect his son, what’s stopping him from protecting others?   
  
There are so many questions and he doesn’t know who to go to for answers. He still needs to inform the company about it, he still needs to tell Yang. He’s terrified of the CEO’s reaction. Will he still be willing to champion Hanbin as his next big thing? Or will he be pushed out of the spotlight and into a role solely as a producer?   
  
That’s one of his biggest fears. His talents are too great for YG to cut him loose, that much he knows. But it’s not only performing that he’s good at. He writes songs and melodies, he can choreograph. What if he’s expected to retire prematurely as a performer? What if he’s only to be a creator, crafting songs and performances for other groups to enact? Because if YG won’t be willing to stand behind him through the scorn of the public, no other company would either. He wouldn’t want to leave, anyway, couldn’t imagine going to another label. His entire life is here.   
  
He can feel it creeping up again, that looming breakdown, he can feel it in the pit of his stomach, he can feel it rising up the back of his throat, he can feel it stretch out to the tip of each one of his limbs. It’s there in every shallow breath, in every nervous tap of his fingers. He squeezes Hanbyul’s doll tighter, tries to get a lock on himself before he loses it.   
  
He can’t do this here. Not with the cameras in the room, not with Junhoe and Seungjae sleeping so close by, not with the others down the hall.   
  
But if not here, then where?   
  
He hears a shift if the bed that Seungjae occupies and Hanbin holds his breath, hopes he hasn’t woken him up. Seungjae is usually a deep sleeper, he and Junhoe both, but tonight he turns and Hanbin’s eyes have adjusted to the darkness now, and he can see Seungjae looking at him.   
  
“Bin?” He whispers in a croaky voice, and Hanbin feels bad for having woken him up.   
  
“Sorry for waking you, go to sleep,” Hanbin whispers back at him, fighting with himself to keep his shaky breath in his throat.   
  
“You okay?” Seungjae asks, and Hanbin can feel tears pooling in the corners of his eyes because Seungjae never asks. He never picks up on Hanbin’s need for comfort, never says the words that Hanbin is sometimes desperate to hear from him. If Seungjae ever sees him upset he doesn’t comfort him, he distracts him instead and tries to make him laugh. Seungjae was the only one who didn’t cry when they lost WIN the year before, and he was the only one of them who couldn’t bring himself to hug Hanbin when he’d started crying. They just didn’t have that kind of relationship with each other. Being vulnerable was too awkward.   
  
So Hanbin isn’t sure why he’s asking now. Maybe it’s because they’re sharing a room, maybe the late night is to blame. He rubs the tears out of his eyes.   
  
“I’m good. Go back to sleep.”   
  
Seungjae doesn’t roll over right away, he stares first, and Hanbin wonders if Seungjae can see him sitting up. But eventually he flips his pillow over and seems to settle back down.   
  
“You go to sleep too, ‘kay?”   
  
Hanbin grips Hanbyul's doll tightly, his knuckles straining. “I will, promise.” He holds his breath and listens to Seungjae’s breathing even out again, and once he’s certain Seungjae is asleep he quietly gets up from his bed and leaves the room.   
  
He doesn’t know if Hongseok is asleep yet in the living room, otherwise he’d go to the kitchen. But he can’t chance bothering him when he worked hard for the past few hours. Not now that he’s finally turning himself around.   
  
If only Donghyuk wasn’t such a light sleeper, Hanbin would consider climbing into bed with Jinhwan. Not that he wants Jinhwan to see him like this either, but he’s sure Jinhwan will know as soon as he looks at him in the morning. He’ll see it in his eyes, he’ll know it in the tired stoop of shoulders that can’t carry their weight any longer.   
  
All he can do is quietly leave the apartment again and sink down in the hallway, head dropping against his knees as he shakes. He’s trying his best to repress it, to shove everything back inside the glass jar in his brain. He can’t let it out, not a single drop. Because once any of it spills out, the rest will follow, and he’ll probably end up crying so loudly in the hall that his neighbours will hear.   
  
He grips the doll tighter and starts reciting the lines of the song he’s written for Hanbyul. He tries to remember that no matter how tough it is right now, it’s all going to be worth it. He’d known it would be difficult, but he’d been tough in his resolve to do it for them. After the pain of losing WIN, he felt like he’d have been able to handle anything.   
  
But how can it all be worth it when he’s suffering like this? When he can’t sleep at night because he’s plagued by fears of the future? When he spends his every waking hour worrying that the story about his father will break and everything will come apart? Is it worth it when he misses so many moments in Hanbyul’s life? Is it worth it when he has no time to make friends when they’re so readily available to him?   
  
He presses his face to his knees and tries to control his breathing. He tries to recite the lines again but he keeps forgetting them, keeps getting his words mixed up. What if he fucks up the performance? What if he has that one chance to wow everyone with a gorgeous song for his beloved little sister, and he fucks it up by forgetting his lyrics?   
  
The weight of his fear presses in on him, beats him down, but he can’t let any of it out. He can’t tell anyone about it, can’t let anyone else worry about him, can’t let—   
  
He jolts awake when he feels someone touch his arm, and he looks around with wild eyes, forgetting where he is.   
  
The concerned face of one of his neighbours looks back at him. An older man, one who Hanbin has spoken to only once but who smiles kindly at him any time he sees him. He sees the man’s lips move but he doesn’t process what he says, not until he repeats himself.   
  
“Are you okay? Did you get locked out?”   
  
Hanbin suddenly remembers. “I’m sorry, what time is it?”   
  
His neighbours frowns at him before looking at his phone. “It’s five fifteen in the morning. How long have you been out here?”   
  
Hanbin shakes his head, tries to shake the exhaustion out of his brain so he can talk. “I’m okay, I’m sorry. I just, I,” his eyes meet the man’s concerned ones and that’s what suddenly shakes his brain back to life, “I apologize, I’m fine, really, I had to finish writing something and I didn’t want to wake the others up. I’m sorry for worrying you.” He stands up immediately, bowing to the man, before grabbing his door handle.   
  
“Are you sure everything is okay?”   
  
Hanbin nods and forces himself to look the man in the eyes. He can’t fuck this up right now—what if this guy talks to one of the managers? What if he tells them he found him asleep in the hall? What if he thinks they kicked him out? He can’t let that happen.   
  
“Everything is okay, really. I was at the studio late, you know, I was inspired and couldn’t stop writing. But I got hit with inspiration again and couldn’t sleep until I wrote it down, but I didn’t want to wake the others. I didn’t think I’d fall asleep though, I’m sorry.” He bows again and feels relieved when the guy chuckles.   
  
“You are too hard of a worker, but your drive is admirable, I suppose. If I find you out here again, I’ll bring it up to your managers. But for now, it’ll stay between us. Just take better care of yourself, please.” The man’s face is kind as he speaks, and Hanbin is so grateful that he won’t say anything but he thinks he might worry the man even more if he hugs him, so instead he bows one last time before slipping back into the quiet apartment.   
  
He walks back to his room on shaky legs, exhausted and distraught that he’d actually fallen asleep in the hall. But at least it had been a neighbour that had discovered him, and not one of the members. He can never let them know about this. Jinhwan would scold him for hours, and then he’d probably burst into his own tears and guilt trip him about not sharing his burdens with him.   
  
Hanbin tiptoes to the kitchen to drink a bottle of water, and by the time it’s drained he feels like he’s gotten a bit of a hold on himself. He tiptoes back to his room and sinks down onto his bed, and this time he does manage to fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.   
  


* * *

  
In the end he loses against Vasco, but not by much. Tablo tells him that he should be proud, because it’s not only Vasco they competed against, but Vasco’s own sad story about his son. In a crowd of people who’ve followed Vasco’s career for a decade, almost half of them chose Hanbin instead.   
  
At least that’s what Tablo says. Hanbin isn’t so sure he agrees, though. He’s tempted to argue  _ they didn’t choose me, hyung, they chose you and I was just there for the ride _ , but he doesn’t say it. It wouldn’t accomplish anything, he’d probably just get a lecture.   
  
But that’s how he feels. It gets compounded when Woosung loses against C Jamm. Hanbin scored more money on his stage, so he gets to stay, and Woosung has to leave. Despite Woosung hugging him and telling him, honestly, that he’s actually proud of him, that he doesn’t consider Hanbin just an idol anymore but a true hip hop artist, Hanbin doesn’t actually hear any of it. Instead he’s buried under his own guilt. He tells himself that the truth is that he’s just not enough on his own. How many people would have voted for him without Tablo? All he did was coast on the back of someone else’s long standing success.   
  
He fakes a smile and fakes contentment long enough to slip away to the bathroom, where he locks the door behind him and turns on the tap and lets himself have a few choked breaths.   
  
He’s stronger than this. Why the fuck does he keep breaking down? This isn’t the sort of person he’s supposed to be. He’ll never make it through the summer like this, will never be able to lead his team like this. He needs to get himself together.   
  
He splashes water on his face until the redness around his eyes is gone, and he heads back to his dressing room. He has to do better. He can’t be burdened with feeling sorry for himself, especially not when he’s still advancing on the show. It would be rude to others who aren’t getting that opportunity.   
  
He joins Woosung on the couch and leans into him when Woosung puts an arm around his shoulders. Woosung tells him that he has to keep in touch, that he won’t accept silence for an answer. He tells him  _ I know where you work and if I don’t hear from you I’ll show up and kick your ass. _   
  
It makes Hanbin smile, finally, and he promises that he will keep in touch. He makes time to text Bobby every now and then. He can make time for Woosung.   
  
His one saving grace of the night is that Bobby also makes it through to the next round.  He and Woosung try not to show too much excitement when they announce it, because even though they’re friends outside of the show, they don’t want to show that much to the cameras. Hanbin’s elation deflates a little when they announce the opponents. Bobby’s got Vasco. If only he’d done a bit more, maybe he and Tablo could have beaten Vasco after all. Maybe Vasco would be out, and Bobby wouldn’t be facing him.   
  
Of course then he would have been facing Hanbin. How would that have even gone? Would he have felt guilty and held back, would he have tried to sabotage himself in order to put Bobby through? Or would he have tried his best, and maybe beaten Bobby? Would they still have been friends after that?   
  
Either way, the only thing Hanbin is certain of is that Bobby deserves better.   
  
Everyone around him deserves better.   
  
He leaves the building in between them, Bobby and Woosung, the three of them with linked arms, and Hanbin feels a little better for it, better for being in between  _ friends. _ It’s a precious moment and he hopes it will stay with him on the way back to the training centre.   
  
But when they get outside Bobby asks him if he wants to join them for a late night meal. Bobby wants to go to Burger King, and Hanbin wants to stomp his feet and scream because he can’t even give them ten minutes at a fast food place, despite his own hunger. He might have considered it a week ago, but they have an evaluation coming up on Mix & Match in three days time and they’re not ready for it. He’s been away too much preparing for this show. He can’t keep leaving his team to tackle their problems without him. It’s not fair.   
  
His members need him, even if he himself needs to get away.   
  
So he smiles and promises them that soon, he’ll have time to go out with them. Bobby looks hopeful but Woosung looks jaded, like he thinks that Hanbin’s just bullshitting them. It breaks his heart a little to know that Woosung wants to hang out with him and is legitimately disappointed that he keeps refusing.   
  
But Hanbin wants to go, he’s never wanted a stupid burger so much in his life. But he can’t even tell them why he can’t go, because the company hasn’t revealed anything about Mix & Match yet. All he can do is promise them that soon he’ll have time. Soon, when Mix & Match ends. Soon, when he falls asleep at night not because he physically can’t push himself any harder, but just because he wants to sleep. He’s forgotten what it feels like, having free time.   
  
So he bids them goodbye, and he wraps tight arms around Woosung and tells him that he’s sorry he didn’t make it further. He tells Woosung that he’s going to miss him. And he gets the feeling then that Woosung understands, that he realizes that Hanbin isn’t just bullshitting him. Woosung ruffles his hair and tells him to stop being so dramatic, tells him that he’s going to text Seungjae insults to relay directly to Hanbin’s face for him, and Hanbin hopes he does it.   
  
He hugs Bobby too, and it catches him off guard, how different Bobby’s hug feels. He can’t quite explain the reasons why, but Bobby’s hug makes him want to cling longer, makes him want to whisper all of his secrets into Bobby’s ear. It makes him think about Jinhwan, and falling asleep next to someone. He feels like he could sleep next to Bobby.   
  
Bobby hugs him back and tells him to text him when he gets home, and to make sure that he gets some sleep because he looks tired. Tells him not to argue because Bobby’s his hyung.   
  
“Hold on—” Woosung interjects, “how can you be Hanbin’s hyung? We’re the same age, and Hanbin and I are the same age.”   
  
Bobby’s sheepish smile makes Hanbin grin even though he doesn’t know the answer to Woosung’s question.   
  
“Uh, when you asked me my age the first time, I gave you my international age by mistake,” Bobby admits, and Hanbin can’t help but giggle at it, and he laughs even harder when Woosung gives a little scream of irritation.   
  
“You could have told me!”   
  
“Does it really matter?” Bobby asks in desperation.   
  
“Yes!” Woosung replies, bitter frown directed at Bobby.   
  
Bobby rolls his eyes. “Oh honestly, it’s not a big deal! Besides, I’m a very late 95!”   
  
Woosung balls his hands into fists in frustration. “I thought you were the youngest one of us, and now you’re actually the oldest? I hate you right now!” Woosung directs his glare at Hanbin, who’s still laughing. “Would you shut up, Hanbin? I’m glad you think this is so funny.”   
  
Hanbin grins and just hugs Woosung again, and he’s not sure if the situation really is this funny or if this is just his brain’s way of blowing off steam right now. He doesn’t care, though. He hasn’t laughed this hard at anything in months. He’s grateful to the both of them for it.   
  
Bobby envelops both of them in his arms and teasingly whispers, “don’t argue, my beloved dongsaengs,” and that sets the three of them off laughing, Woosung finally giving in, and Hanbin soaks it all up while he can, every laugh and every happy tear, every bit of bodily contact.   
  
Maybe, if he’s lucky, maybe he really will get to have actual friends when everything is over. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe things will go better than planned, maybe he’s just been overreacting because he’s tired and overworked. He climbs into the company van and sits in the backseat, smiling all the way back to the training centre and fantasizing about good days to come.


	9. An Interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fractures start to appear as Hanbin is preparing for the next round. One day everything comes crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so delayed! I added a scene while re-writing and then got distracted working on something else.
> 
> This chapter is Hanbin-centric, so there's no Bobby. He'll be back next chapter!
> 
> Also, just because I like squaring up my canon details: I know they usually train in the training center and not at YG headquarters. But the two are actually quite far from each other, and I needed them at HQ for a few scenes. So let's just say they had filming there on those days thus stayed there for dance practice afterwards. :P

“I don’t know what else to say, Hanbin, except that he’s fucking useless.” Lee Hayi sits across from him, arms crossed over her chest, and Hanbin winces even though she’s telling the truth.  
  
“Yeah, the only problem is that he’s ours for this round. There’s no trading him.”   
  
“I don’t know if he just doesn’t listen, or maybe he doesn’t understand the advice I’m giving him. I don’t know what his problem is, but I’ve been trying. For the past three days I’ve been trying, and there’s just no improvement.”   
  
“I’m sorry, are you frustrated?” Hanbin can’t help but grin, even though he understands the desperation in Hayi’s complaints. He wants to say _if you’re bothered after three days, imagine how I feel after a month_ but he manages to keep it to himself.   
  
She doesn’t find it funny. “Yeah, I’m fucking frustrated. Aren’t you? Donghyuk’s doing great, you and I are fantastic, it’s just Hongseok, ruining the picture. I think we should scale his lines back. I know you want him to do the chorus with me, but he can’t harmonize. I’m not doing a performance where I look bad, just to put someone else over. It’s not happening.”   
  
He frowns again but keeps eye contact with her. “I don’t expect you to. You’re right, if he can’t get it, then he shouldn’t do it at all.”   
  
They’re both silent for a moment and Hanbin can feel the tension crackling in between them like an open flame.  She’s every bit as pushy and controlling as he is, and he knows that’s why YG gave her to his team. She’d walk all over Jinhwan and would probably spend half her time yelling at Seungjae (and possibly even hit him). At least they’ve finally reached a point where they’re agreeing on everything.   
  
“How are you doing with all this stuff, anyway? Does he suck with dancing too? Are the other two any better?"   
  
He shrugs at her question, surprised she asked. They have a weird relationship, he and Hayi. They’re the same age, only a month apart, so they should probably be friendlier than they are with each other. But there’s always been something there in between them. Any time he’s seen her, there’s been some weird invisible wall. He always thought it was because she debuted before him, but sometimes he gets the feeling that it’s something else.   
  
“It’s rough, but it’s doable. The other two are doing better, but they’ve been around longer.”   
  
“And they’re younger. I feel like that ruffles Hongseok sometimes. I could be wrong, but he just gives me that vibe, you know? Like he doesn’t listen because he thinks he shouldn’t have to.”   
  
“I got that too, from the first time we met him. He tried to be friendly with Jinan, it just rubbed us all the wrong way.” He’s not sure that he should have told her that, but it’s out now and there’s no taking it back. He watches her as she shakes her head at the wall.   
  
“You know what we should do?” She looks at him suddenly, a spark in her eyes.   
  
“What?”   
  
She grins playfully at him, glancing at the closed door. “We should just leave. We can say we’re going to the bathroom, well separately, not together, but then just head upstairs and sneak out the front door. Go get some food. Walk around the block if we’re feeling daring.”   
  
He grins back at her, and the idea isn’t half bad. He’s been contemplating it a lot lately, just slipping away without telling anyone that he’s leaving. But he’s got so much going on that it’s remained as nothing more than just a thought. “I will if you will.” Their managers are nearby, off in another room, not expecting any trouble from either of them. Hanbin feels bad about breaking the trust, but at the same time maybe this small act will clear his mind.   
  
“Let’s do it!” Hayi says and hops up from her chair. “I’ll go first and see where they are, so wait for me and I’ll text you.” She grabs her phone and darts out of the room, and Hanbin can’t help but watch her go with a giddy feeling in his chest. It’s stupid, to be getting excited over something as basic as going to a convenience store unattended. But he has so little time to exist while not on someone else’s schedule. Maybe he shouldn’t be so hard on himself to get excited over the small things.   
  
Her text comes in faster than he expected.   
  
_hayi: cum now they r not lookin!!!_ _  
_ _hayi: dont say nething kk?_ _  
_ _hayi: they probly wont c u_   
  
He darts out of the room and quietly pads down the hall, he can hear their voices in one of the rooms, laughing over a video they’re watching. He crouches down and quickly slips by unnoticed and once again thinks it’s kind of dorky to be so excited about this, but when you live under someone’s ever-watchful eye constantly, breaking free of that for even a few minutes is exhilarating.   
  
He meets her by the door and they leave together. He’s got a snapback pulled down low and his hoodie pulled up over it. She’s wearing a face mask and a hat with her hair pulled up underneath it. They look at each other and he can hear her stifling a giggle behind her hand.   
  
“Come on, let’s hurry!” She darts off first and he follows, and something about being out in the dark with her and no one else has him feeling alive in a way he hasn’t felt in a long time. Again, it’s stupid, but it’s real. There’s no point in berating himself for getting caught up in the moment.   
  
They enter the store and she goes straight for the junk food. It makes him sad for a moment, because he knows that she’s probably got a stricter diet than they do as male trainees. But her giddiness over buying contraband food products is catching on, and they go up to the counter together to buy their snacks. She pays for it, and while he’s tempted to offer, he has a feeling it would just piss her off.   
  
He takes the bag with their purchases and follows her out the door, and she grabs his arm and pulls him off in the opposite direction than he would have taken and for a second he wonders if she’s lost her nerve and is going to walk him back into the YG building.   
  
But they walk past the building and take the first right into a residential street, and they stop in front of a small three story building. She looks at him with a smile before hopping over the white railing into a small stairwell that the residents use to access their units. He’s not sure what she’s doing, and he stands there for a moment, frozen, until she looks back at him.   
  
“Come on, Hanbin, quit being a baby and hop the fence! I promise it’s safe.” She winks at him and goes up the stairs and he can’t help but give in to her posturing. He’s not being a baby—he just doesn’t want to trespass.   
  
He follows her up to the roof, where there are a few plastic chairs scattered. She sits down and makes herself at home, right in view of the YG building, but not quite where anyone inside would be looking.   
  
“You come here often?” He sits down next to her and hands her the bag.   
  
She grins at him. “That’s a lame pickup line.”   
  
“No! I meant it seriously.” He replies, and he can’t help but blush. Did she think he was—   
  
She smiles back at him and takes the bag. “Chill, I was teasing you. To answer your question, not often, but a few times. An older woman owns the unit, and I’ve seen her a few times at the cafe, and we’ve talked. She told me specifically which unit was hers, and made sure to tell me that she always has a few chairs laying around. Like she wanted me to come here.”   
  
“Wow, you made friends with an old grannie? Is it sad that I’m jealous?” He jokes back, and she laughs at him.   
  
“Hey, it’s useful! We could have gone back inside. Plus this way we’ll be able to see if our managers come out looking for us. They’ll never look here.” She opens a bag of chips and smiles before popping one in her mouth. He watches her and her satisfaction over something as simple as cheap junk food is contagious.   
  
They spend a few minutes in silence, just eating and enjoying the warm night air. Hanbin looks up at the sky, wishing the city wasn’t as polluted as it is, but even so he can still see a few stars, and it’s enough to make him happy.   
  
Soon they finish eating, and their managers still don’t seem to have noticed that they’ve gone missing. Hayi is the one who breaks the silence.   
  
“So, you’ve really never dated anyone, have you?”   
  
He smiles and shakes his head, turning to look at her. “No I have not. Have you?”   
  
She winks at him. “I’m _pure,_ Hanbin. How could you ask such a thing?” She grins and it makes him laugh, and he realizes that this is the first time they’re having a personal conversation that isn’t work-related.   
  
“You really didn’t date anyone before Kpop Star?” He inquires, since she’s broached the topic herself.   
  
“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.” She teases, before laying a hand on his forearm. His heart races a little at the contact.   
  
He doesn’t say anything in response, just keeps his eyes on her hand, and he can’t quite explain why, but it feels super intimate. It’s innocent, and yet not innocent at all. They both live under the thumbs of their managers, and to be alone like this, with no camera on them, no supervision… It’s intimate.   
  
“Would you take the opportunity, if it came up?” She asks him, and he looks up from her hand to her face.   
  
“What opportunity is that?” He asks, though he’s pretty sure he knows what she’s talking about.   
  
She grins back at him, and keeps her hand where it is. “Me, dummy. Am I your type?”   
  
He feels emboldened by her question, for some strange reason. Maybe it’s just because no one has ever flirted so openly with him before. “I would, for sure. Even though you’re not my type.”   
  
Her face drops in mock outrage. “Excuse me? Not your type?”   
  
He laughs at her, but isn’t about to explain. “I said what I said.”   
  
She grins back at him, not really offended. “Okay fine, fair is fair. You’re not really my type either, if we’re being honest, but there is something special about you.”   
  
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” He wonders if she means it, about the something special. Maybe that explains why it always feels like there’s something else there in the air between them.   
  
She looks at him, her gaze soft and her expression honest. “You have really pretty eyes.”   
  
He can’t help but blush at her comment. “Thanks.” He’s always been terrible at accepting compliments about his looks, but his eyes have always been the one thing he’s been confident about.   
  
She watches him softly for another few seconds before sighing in a sad sort of way, and he can feel the magic of their shared moment leave the air. “So, what are we gonna do about Hongseok?”   
  
And just like that the moment is gone, and the workplace mask is back on. It’s better this way, really. Because while he wasn’t lying, and he would take the opportunity if it came up, she really isn’t his type, and dating in the workplace is never a good idea anyway. Especially when he knows his heart wouldn’t be in it for the long run.   


* * *

  
It’s been three days of focusing on his team for Mix  & Match, and staunchly ignoring the next round of Show Me The Money. He has no idea what he should be doing for his song. The theme is money, which is quite possibly the worst theme they could have given him.   
  
He grew up with money, he’s got no sob story to win over the crowd with. Does he give MNet what they want, and go the arrogant YG trainee route? Does he talk about how his label has more money than everyone on the show combined? What other angle does he even have? Everyone else has probably struggled, while he’s always lived well.   
  
He can’t talk about how there’s more to life than money, because it would just come off as condescending from someone who’s never had to struggle. He can’t talk about how money can’t buy you happiness, because it can certainly do a lot to get you there.   
  
Nothing he does in this round will help him if the story about his father gets out. No matter what he does, it’s going to be another nail in the coffin.   
  
So the only thing he can do is go the arrogant route and hope the story about his dad never sees the light of day. But then suddenly his mind drifts back to a week ago, to that chance encounter in the hall. The offer that Hanbin never thought he’d ever accept, but now…   
  
He takes out his phone and sends a text.   
  
H: _hey hyung u got a minute?_   
  
He busies himself with arranging vocals on a demo track he’s been working on while he wants for the answer. It comes quicker than he expected.   
  
J: _yeah i got time_   
  
Hanbin feels relieved at the answer, because he knows that Jiyong is busy rehearsing for his upcoming tour. But this is something Hanbin wants to get his opinion on, because Jiyong will know exactly what the repercussions are.   
  
_H: hyung my next theme on smtm is money and i dont know what to do. u got any ideas?_   
  
He waits and hopes that Jiyong will give him the only answer he can think of that makes sense. Jiyong knows that he grew up rich, after all, knows he never struggled. He’s sure Jiyong will tell him to do what he’s already thought of, because even though he doesn’t know about the looming legal issues surrounding his father, he knows there’s nothing touching that someone like Hanbin can write about money.   
  
_J: make a fuck u im rich yg track...u dont have any other options right?_   
  
There it is, the answer he expected (but also the one he was afraid to see).   
  
_H: yeah thats what i thought but wasnt sure if it would bite my ass later_ _  
_ _J: where r u now? if ur at head office come see me im with teddy_   
  
Hanbin’s breath catches in his throat at the offer. He wasn’t expecting Jiyong to do anything more than give him permission to to be an arrogant brat in the next round. What could he possibly want to see him about?   
  
_H: kk hyung ill be there in 5!!_   
  
He finishes up what he’s working on and dodges out of his studio, stopping into the practice room to check on the others. Donghyuk is helping Hongseok with some moves, while Seungjae and Jinhwan are working on different moves with the other four. Hanbin directs his attention to Jinhwan.   
  
“I’m out for a bit, Jiyongie hyung offered to help me figure out my next round for Show Me The Money, so I’ll be in Teddy’s studio if you guys need me.”   
  
Jinhwan smiles back at him in acknowledgement, but Hanbin catches the way Seungjae’s face twists in irritation. It takes him by surprise, because Hanbin’s not used to seeing Seungjae look at him that way. He almost questions him about it, because he doesn’t like leaving things on a sour note, but Seungjae drops the look before he can say anything and starts talking to Jinhwan. So Hanbin leaves the practice room with a sinking feeling in his gut.   
  
He takes out his phone and sends a quick text to Jinhwan, otherwise it’ll eat at him.   
  
_H: is jae ok? he looked pissed when i said i was going to see hyung_ _  
_ _H: never seen him look angry at me before so im worried_   
  
He doesn’t expect an answer any time soon since they’re in the middle of dance practice, but he feels better for having sent it. He climbs the stairs up to Teddy’s studio, feeling giddy as always when he enters and sees the pair of them sitting behind a mixing board. Jiyong turns to greet him, pushing a chair towards him.   
  
Teddy’s messing with a song and Hanbin just watches him for a bit, feeling peaceful. He always soaks up any time he gets with the senior producer. It’s not so much that he’d call Teddy his idol—but he hopes to follow the same career path. Successful artist who later retires from performing into a role as a mentor and producer for the younger artists. He’s always looked up to Teddy, and it’s nice to get to spend time with him.   
  
“So, we were talking about your next round,” Jiyong says, “how it’s all about money.”   
  
Hanbin nods and wonders what they’ve discussed in his absence. “Please tell me you have an idea for me?”   
  
Jiyong and Teddy share a look that Hanbin can’t read, before Jiyong finally turns to him. “Can you have a guest for this round?”   
  
Hanbin nods, not expecting the question. “Yeah, actually I’m supposed to have a guest. I haven’t talked to Tablo hyung about who it’ll be though.”   
  
Jiyong looks back at Teddy, who finally grins and shakes his head at him. “Don’t leave the poor kid in suspense, Ji.”   
  
Hanbin’s eyes flit between the two of them as he waits. It seems like they’ve agreed on something, but Hanbin just doesn’t know what that something is.   
  
Jiyong finally looks at him, eyes twinkling. “So, do you want a guest?”   
  
Hanbin looks at him in confusion. He’s just said that he’s supposed to have one. But he nods at Jiyong anyway, curious if they have some idea for a guest for him. He’ll feel bad discussing it with them and not Tablo or Wu first, but he hopes they’ll understand and not take offense.   
  
Jiyong smiles back at him. “Cool. I’ll have to ask YG’s permission first, of course, but I think I can butter him up.”   
  
YG? “Uh, hyung, I don’t know that sajangnim would be the best guest—”   
  
Teddy and Jiyong burst into laughter at his comment, and Hanbin waits for them to stop laughing at him before he gets an answer.   
  
“I didn’t mean YG,” Jiyong explains, smiling affectionately at him, like he thinks Hanbin’s just adorable, “I meant me. I’ll be your guest”   
  
Hanbin doesn’t answer. He can’t answer. Jiyong—willing to guest on his song? It can’t be real. This has to be some kind of joke. He looks at Teddy, who’s wearing the same kind of smile that Jiyong is wearing.   
  
Jiyong kicks his chair playfully to get his attention. “You don’t seem very excited, Hanbin-ah. Is hyung not good enough for you?”   
  
Hanbin’s eyes go wide and even though he knows Jiyong is just teasing him he can’t help but apologize anyway. “That’s not it at all! I’d be honoured, hyung, I can’t believe you’re willing to do it for me. I’m in shock, I don’t deserve it. Are you sure?”   
  
Jiyong laughs at him and wheels his own chair over beside him so he can pat his head affectionately. “Of course you deserve it, you’ve been working really hard this summer, you’ve been working hard for an entire year. I want to see you in the final, and you need something special to get past everyone else’s sob stories.”   
  
Hanbin still can’t believe it, still can’t process the idea of actually doing a song with Jiyong. YG has long touted him as the _next G Dragon_ and while Hanbin has always hated it because it puts an unfair amount of pressure on him, he can’t help but want it anyway.   
  
But just as soon as the excitement sets in, so does the same old melancholy.   
  
_You’re not enough on your own. You’ve done nothing except ride on the coattails of other people. You might win, but it won’t be because of you. It will always be because of someone else. You’ll always be the lesser partner._ _  
_ _  
_ _You’re not enough. You’ve never been enough._   


* * *

  
He finally looks at his phone two hours later when he’s finishing with Jiyong and Teddy, and he sees that Jinhwan has texted him back.   
  
_J: hes ok just bummed ur not here with us_ _  
_ _J: dont worry though kk?_ _  
_ _J: he knows ur busy with smtm he wants u to do good_ _  
_ _J: he just misses u_   
  
Hanbin reads the messages through a few times, but something about the explanation feels hollow. Hanbin knows what Seungjae looks like when he misses him, and it’s not the irritated scowl he was wearing two hours ago.   
  
Is Jinhwan covering up something else? Does he recognize that there’s something more in Seungjae’s emotions, something he needs to protect the both of them from? It’s a sinking feeling, wondering if there’s finally a problem with the person who doesn’t usually give you these kinds of problems. Seungjae’s problems have always been his own doing, and Hanbin has never been the cause of them (he’s usually the solution to them).   
  
But something feels different now, and he hopes that maybe he’s overreacting. He slowly makes his way down to the basement, to the training room where he’d left everyone. But midway down the stairs he stops because he hears voices. It’s Jinhwan and Seungjae, _of course._ They’re sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and Hanbin’s sure they don’t know he’s within hearing. He wonders why they’re sitting there, away from the cameras.   
  
It’s not long before he gets his answer.   
  
“I just think it’s bullshit, we’re working our asses off while he’s running off to go work with Jiyong hyung? What about the rest of us? Do you think either of us will get to work with him? With anyone in Big Bang?”   
  
“Jae, you don’t know what he went for. Maybe he was just asking for advice on what to do.”   
  
“He used to ask us for advice, but I guess our opinions don’t count for shit anymore.”   
  
“Hey! Don’t be like that, you know he’s under a lot of stress with the two shows.”   
  
“We’re all stressed out, but why is he the only one who gets to get away from it to go spend time with the hyungs? If it’s not Jiyong, it’s Tablo and Wu. Just being out of this stupid training room, that would be enough.”   
  
“You’re not being fair.”   
  
“He’s the leader, Jinan. He’s supposed to be here, he’s not supposed to dump everything on us. How many times now has he left us to run dance practice, while he’s off doing what? Working on music? Why don’t I get to go work on music? Why do I have to train the fucking new guys?”   
  
“I know you feel frustrated, but you need to watch your mouth. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. You can’t talk like that, especially not around the others.”   
  
“You can’t tell me it doesn’t bother you, Jinan. It’s not like I don’t want him to do well. Of course I want him to do well! I always want him to do well. I just feel like his priority should be on the team, and not on himself.”   
  
“Aren’t you the one who was pushing for him to go on the show in the first place?”   
  
“I was pushing for the _both of us_ to be on the show, but guess who didn’t get to audition?”   
  
“You know you only have yourself to blame for that. Sajangnim doesn’t trust you, and I don’t blame him. You have a loose tongue.”   
  
“Yeah, okay, I know. Still, it stings that he’s on the show doing well, and I’m not. Instead I’m stuck in this stupid training room all damn day, and he’s not here half the time. I just feel like it’s always Hanbin getting the push. He’s the favourite, so he gets everything.”   
  
“You need to get a handle on that jealousy, it’s not his fault. What did you want him to do, withdraw from the show when he found out about Mix  & Match? You know he never would have done it had he known about this show too.”   
  
“You think so?”   
  
“Are you kidding me, Jae? Look at how stressed out he is! I don’t even know if he sleeps at night, he’s always the last one home and the first one gone, if he even comes home.”   
  
“Am I supposed to feel guilty now that I probably sleep more than he does? That’s his doing, not mine. He doesn’t have to push himself as hard as he does, you know he chooses to do it to himself.”   
  
“I know, but I still worry about him. I’ve sat up a few nights, waiting for him to come home, and he hasn’t. I don’t know if he sleeps at the studio or just doesn’t sleep at all. But I’m worried about him, and he doesn’t need to be worrying about us.”   
  
“You mean me, hyung, he never worries about you.”   
  
“Okay, yeah. I mean you. He knows something is up with you, Jae, he texted me after he left. So please, I’m asking you, please try harder to not be bitter. You know this won’t last, when we’re done with the show he’ll be back full time, and you’ll have him back full time. He’s always talked about wanting to work on music for your sub-unit, right?”   
  
“I miss having time to work on that.”   
  
“I’m sure he misses it too. If he does well on the show, then you know sajangnim will be more likely to consider that subunit album you want. You just have to be patient, okay?”   
  
“Yeah, fine, I know. This show is just sucking the life out of me, Jinan. I miss when it was just the six of us. I don’t want any of these three to stick around. It pains me to try and help them. I just keep thinking, if any of them make it instead of our six, I’ll fucking riot.”   
  
“Don’t think like that. It’ll be Team B and one more person, okay? We’re not losing anyone.”   
  
“We better not. This whole show is just bullshit, I can’t believe we have to do it after last year.”   
  
“Look at it this way. At least we get the cooler group name, right?”   
  
“Yeah that’s true. Winner’s such a lame name now, it doesn’t fit us.”   
  
“There, that’s a better attitude from you.”   
  
“Point made. I promise I’ll try harder to hide my growing malcontent, okay?”   
  
“I’ll hold you to that. And please do me another favour?”   
  
“Anything for you, hyung.”   
  
“When Hanbin gets back, can you please be playful with him? I know it’s too much to ask for you to talk to him about how you’re feeling, so I won’t. But play with him, okay? Don’t let him see how upset you are.”   
  
“We’ll be fine, don’t worry about me and Bin.”   
  
“Seungjae I mean it. I’m not used to seeing you two being off, it scares me.”   
  
“Jinan, I mean it, don’t worry about us. It makes me feel bad.”   
  
“Well, I feel bad constantly, so welcome to my world. Anyway let’s get back to the others before they come looking. Thanks for listening to what I had to say.”   
  
“You too, I think I had to get that out. I’ve just been getting angrier every day since sajangnim told us that not all 6 of us were safe. I guess I didn’t realize it was starting to show.”   
  
“Well, now that you know, it’ll be easier to keep tabs on it.”   
  
Hanbin stays where he’s crouched on the stairs, two floors up, well after they’ve gone back to the training room, his heart racing.   
  
Seungjae is hurt because of him. Of course there’s nothing he can do about being busy, but he could have taken precautions in dealing with it. Could have been more proactive in checking on Seungjae, could have told him more often how much he misses him. Could have invited him in to get his opinion on the music he’s been working on.   
  
Instead he’s been ignoring him, the way he’s been ignoring all of them, except when he’s around to give his hawkish critique of their performances. No wonder Seungjae’s angry.   
  
Hanbin realizes with a sinking feeling that he’s been doing a shit job at everything lately. At being a leader, at being a partner, and at being a friend. He has to find a way to make it up to Seungjae before his loyalties start wavering. Hanbin has always thought of Seungjae as his best friend, him and Jinhwan. He knows that Jinhwan feels the same way, but what about Seungjae?   
  
Seungjae has friends in the city, after all, like Yunhyeong he’s currently finishing his last year of school. Hanbin can’t help but wonder—if someone asked Seungjae who his best friend is, would he think about Hanbin? Or is it already too late for that?   
  
The last thing he needs right now is more stress and more shit to worry about, but he’s got it now, dumped unceremoniously in his lap, and he doesn’t know what to do about it.   


* * *

  
A week passes and Hanbin thinks it’s somewhat smoothed over now. When he finally went back to the training room a week ago, Seungjae had kept good on his promise to Jinhwan and he’d gone right up to Hanbin as soon as he’d entered the room, bear hugging him and teasingly calling him _B Dragon—not B for B.I, but B for Baby._   
  
Seeing Seungjae give him an affectionate and honest smile had felt like a bandaid over the wound, and he’d played right into Seungjae’s hand all night, playfully leading the practice for once instead of being harsh. It was the first night in weeks that he’d followed them all back to the dorm, and he could see the way it seemed to relieve Jinhwan. He’d even slept in the following morning, not surprised when it ended up being Jinhwan who’d come in to wake him up.   
  
There was so much to do still and not enough time, but he was willing to sacrifice one morning to make his members feel at least a little better. He’d broken the news to Seungjae about doing a track with Jiyong, and he’d tried to mollify him by inviting him to come with him the next time he met with them to work on it. He could tell it ruffled Seungjae, he’d seen it in the way he’d tensed up, but in the end he’d relaxed and said he’d appreciate coming to their brainstorming session. Hanbin was so relieved he’d wrapped him in a tight hug there on the spot and told him that he couldn’t wait for both shows to be over so they could have time to write together in the studio again, just for the two of them.   
  
After that Seungjae had been his usual cheery self for a few days, until he’d seemed to suddenly veer back into angry territory two days ago. Hanbin isn’t sure what caused it, and he’s been trying to step lightly around him, but his patience is wearing a little thin now.   
  
Seungjae’s team for the battle isn’t nearly as prepared as they should be, and Hanbin’s taken to complaining to Hayi about him in secrecy when they’re working. He feels terrible for it, but ever since their night time elope across the street a week ago, they’re much closer. She listens well and seems to know what to say to make him feel less guilty for complaining. _Everyone needs an outlet,_ she tells him, _even you._   
  
But they hit a snag today. It’s currently nearing dinner time and none of them have seen Seungjae since noon. Donghyuk, who’d been with him at the time, had relayed the message to them that he’d taken off after getting a phone call about a family emergency. Jinhwan wanted to call him right away to track him down, but Hanbin had told him to let it be for a few hours.   
  
So they’d practiced all afternoon, waiting for word from Seungjae. It never comes. Hanbin calls him but gets no answer, and his texts go unread.   
  
Seungjae finally reappears an hour later, and Hanbin and Jinhwan both pull him into an empty room and don’t let any of the cameras follow them.   
  
“Where have you been?” Jinhwan starts, pulling out his most stern and authoritative hyung voice. “It’s been six hours, you haven’t answered any of us!”   
  
“Sorry, hyung,” Seungjae replies, but it’s clear from his tone of voice and angry smile that he’s not sorry at all. Instead he looks pissed off, more angry than Hanbin can ever remember seeing him look.   
  
“Where have you been? Donghyuk said something about a family emergency.” Jinhwan’s got his arms crossed over his chest, and he still looks mad, not backing down in the face of Seungjae’s own anger. Hanbin’s curious about his answer, because Seungjae never goes missing. Of all the problem he causes, leaving without notice is not one of them.   
  
“It didn’t end up being that serious,” Seungjae answers, “sorry I didn’t text you, my phone died and I didn’t think it would take so long.”   
  
There’s silence for a moment as they stand together, but the room is thick with tension. He doesn’t buy Seungjae’s excuse. For starters—Seungjae constantly has his phone charged, and he always carries a spare battery. Hanbin looks at Jinhwan out of the corner of his eye. Jinhwan doesn’t seem to buy it either.   
  
“What was the emergency?”   
  
Seungjae shrugs and tries to play it off. “My grandfather went to the hospital, they thought it was his heart, but it wasn’t.”   
  
Jinhwan doesn’t answer right away, just stares at Seungjae, who stares right back. Hanbin doesn’t know what to do, either. Finally Jinhwan answers.   
  
“Okay, well I’m happy that nothing serious happened, but that doesn’t excuse anything. You could have borrowed someone else’s phone.”   
  
Seungjae rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure.” Before any of them respond a phone starts ringing. It’s not Hanbin’s ringtone, and when he looks at Jinhwan he can see his eyes blazing fire.   
  
“I thought your phone was dead?”   
  
Seungjae glares back at him before looking down at the phone, and Hanbin is surprised to see him look nervous. “I have to take this.” He turns away from them and answers the call, and Hanbin again looks at Jinhwan, whose eyes looks even more incensed now.   
  
But Hanbin’s attention is diverted to Seungjae’s phone call. He sounds worried.   
  
“I told you earlier, I can’t do anything about it. I’m sorry, but you know I don’t have a choice.” A pause, and Hanbin listens with his breath held. Seungjae’s left hand in tightly gripped around his arm, to the point that his knuckles are white. “Yujin, please, I am begging you, don’t do this to me.”   
  
Yujin? Hanbin glances at Jinhwan, who looks equally confused. They don’t know of any relative of Seungjae’s whose name is Yujin.   
  
“Jin-ah, please, please don’t do this. I know you’re angry, but please think about the repercussions. Jin-ah?” Seungjae pulls his phone away from his face to look at the screen, swearing when it shows _call ended._   
  
“Seungjae?” Jinhwan calls, clearly wary after hearing the one-sided conversation. “Who was that?”   
  
Seungjae doesn’t answer. He leans against the wall, his phone cradled into his chest.   
  
“Seungjae?” Jinhwan repeats, grabbing his arm, “who were you just talking to?”   
  
Seungjae turns around finally, his face full of anger. “It’s personal.”   
  
Jinhwan lets out an exasperated laugh. “You disappear for six hours for some bullshit family emergency excuse, say your phone died, only to take a call on said phone from someone we don’t know, and beg this person to reconsider their actions? And then you have the nerve to say it’s _personal?”_ Jinhwan’s expression turns angry, and Hanbin steps in between them.   
  
“Jae, you know this looks really suspect, right?” Hanbin’s scared after hearing that phone call. Who is Yujin, and what are they threatening Seungjae with?   
  
“I said it’s fucking personal, so both of you back off!” Seungjae snaps, wrenching his arm out of Jinhwan’s grasp.   
  
“What the fuck did you do?” Jinhwan asks, incensed in a way Hanbin’s never seen him. Usually Jinhwan is the calm one, but the stress of the summer has clearly snapped the last of his patience.   
  
Seungjae shakes his head and glares at him with a bitter smile. “It’s always me, isn’t it? Always me fucking up. So you just automatically assume that I fucked up again, don’t you?”   
  
“Did you hear yourself? You were begging this person to not do whatever it is they were about to do! What am I supposed to think it means?” Jinhwan replies.   
  
“Maybe you could take my side for once? You don’t know any of the facts, but you think I’ve done something wrong!”   
  
“You went missing all day, that was wrong!”   
  
“I had shit to sort out!”   
  
“What shit?” Hanbin steps in between them again, serious eyes on Seungjae’s. Like Jinhwan, he has a sinking feeling that Seungjae has done something that’s about to land him in a world of trouble.   
  
Instead of answering, Seungjae glares back at him. “Shit neither of you would understand.”   
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hanbin asks, confused at his behaviour.   
  
“Fine, you want the fucking story? That girl I was talking to, Yujin? Ex-girlfriend. You’re right, there was no family emergency. Instead I had a girlfriend emergency. One that clearly did not end well.” Seungjae crosses his arms over his chest, looking defensive.   
  
Hanbin’s too stunned to respond, but Jinhwan isn’t.   
  
“You had a girlfriend?” Seungjae nods. “Since when?”   
  
“Since the winter. She’s in my class.”   
  
“Since the winter? You’ve had a girlfriend since the winter, and you never told us?” Jinhwan sounds offended, and Hanbin is still reeling in shock. How did he pull it off for so long with none of them knowing?   
  
“Yeah, I did.”   
  
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Jinhwan asks, his tone a mixture of surprise and anger.   
  
Seungjae still looks angry. “Well, seeing as how I get fucked over all the damn time in this team, I thought maybe I’d do the one thing that Hanbin doesn’t get to do.”   
  
Hanbin doesn’t know what to say. Is that really Seungjae’s basis for sneaking into a relationship when he was already on thin ice with the company?   
  
“I told you to quit with that line of thought!” Jinhwan replies. “You can’t pin everything that you’re upset about on Hanbin!”   
  
“Hanbin gets pushed for everything, he always has. So yeah, I decided to get a girlfriend. You know, thought it might alleviate some stress from always being the least favourite.” Seungjae keeps his sight on Jinhwan, who’s clenching his hands into fists, trying to stay calm.   
  
Hanbin can’t help but feel sick to his stomach, remembering Seungjae’s overheard complaints in the stairwell. How long has he been feeling this animosity towards him? How long has he been bitter and angry, believing in some conceived notion of preferential treatment?   
  
They’re interrupted by Jinhwan’s phone going off, and he almost doesn’t check it, but it keeps buzzing. He finally takes it out, glancing at it quickly. Hanbin watches him, still at a loss. How is he supposed to respond to Seungjae’s comments? Is Seungjae talking bullshit, the way Jinhwan seems to think he is, or is there some element of truth to it?   
  
Hanbin looks at Seungjae, but Seungjae still won’t look at him. It’s enough to break his heart in the moment, feeling this insane divide between them.   
  
Jinhwan’s voice sounds a moment later, and it’s one of utter disbelief.   
  
“Seungjae, what the fuck did you do?”   
  
Hanbin moves next to Jinhwan, looking down at his phone. His mouth drops in shock when he sees the screen. Someone’s sent him a snapshot of an Instagram account. The picture is undoubtedly Seungjae, and for a moment Hanbin refuses to look at anything else in the picture, refuses to see the rest of it.   
  
But then he makes himself take it in, and it’s enough to make him feel like throwing up.   
  
Seungjae’s sitting on a couch in someone’s home, Hanbin doesn’t know who, doesn’t recognize the other people in the picture. But there’s a girl on his lap, Hanbin can only assume it’s Yujin. Seungjae’s got his hand up her shirt, while he’s holding a can of beer in the other. His eyes lower to read the caption of the picture, and suddenly everything falls into place.   
  
_Don’t u just looove seeing pics of ur boyfriend (exboyfriend now) with another girl?? While u were dating??? ♥♥♥ luv u jae, hope karma bites ur tiny dick off ♥♥♥_   
  
“That’s not even Yujin, is it?” Jinhwan asks softly, looking up from his phone to Seungjae.   
  
He doesn’t answer, and Hanbin finally looks up at him too. “Did you cheat on your girlfriend?”   
  
“That doesn’t exactly constitute cheating, it’s just some girl from school.”   
  
“Yeah, some girl that’s not your girlfriend and you have your hand up her shirt.” Jinhwan replies, shocked at the explanation.   
  
“Is that why you went to see her today? So she could show you this picture and threaten you about releasing it?” Hanbin’s still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. Seungjae doesn’t respond, and suddenly Hanbin’s phone is buzzing with a call. He doesn’t get many calls, and he only takes it out to look at it because he’s suddenly afraid it’s his mother, calling with her own bad news, because why not pile everything on all at once? But it’s not his mother, and his heart plummets into his stomach when he sees who it is.   
  
Yang. Hanbin never gets calls from the CEO, they’re always funnelled through a manager.   
  
Which only means that he knows. He’s so nervous he almost drops his phone, but he catches it and manages to answer the call.   
  
“Sir?”   
  
“I want you and Seungjae in my office immediately. No one else.”   
  
“Yes sir.” Hanbin answers and a second later the line is dead, and if it weren’t for the _call ended_ displaying on the screen he might doubt the call had even happened.   
  
“Hanbin?” Jinhwan looks at him then, because he knows who it was. Knows what it means.   
  
“We have to go see him,” Hanbin answers, and he shakes his head at Jinhwan, “he only wants the two of us.” Then he looks at Seungjae, who’s got his arms crossed over his chest and he looks like he might cry. It’s rare to see him so emotionally compromised, and even though Hanbin knows he ought to be angry and offended, he’s hit with the knee-jerk reaction to try and protect him. But he can’t do that anymore. Seungjae has dug too deep a grave this time.   
  
“What do you want us to do?” Jinhwan asks him, and Hanbin can see the uncertainty in Jinhwan’s expression. In the span of ten minutes their unshakeable trio has been force fractured, and without a second thought Jinhwan is on his side. Of course logic only dictates that as the outcome, but it still makes things uncomfortable all of a sudden, like Seungjae is some intruder who doesn’t belong.   
  
“Just keep practice going,” Hanbin replies, “if anyone says anything, just, I don’t know, just tell them we’ll talk later when I get back.”   
  
His eyes meet Jinhwan’s as they both realize what he’s just said. _When I get back._ There’s no _we_ in this situation anymore, there can’t possibly be. Even if they somehow manage to lock down the picture before it spreads everywhere, it doesn’t matter. Seungjae has been compromised, and he was already standing on his last leg.   
  
Seungjae stalks out of the room and Hanbin follows, but before he gets to the door Jinhwan grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly. Hanbin wants to turn around and hug him, wants to bring Jinhwan with him for the meeting. But he’s the leader, not Jinhwan, and the responsibility is his alone. So instead he just squeezes back and leaves, following Seungjae to the elevator.   
  
It’s a quiet ride up, but the elevator is brimming with tension. Hanbin’s never felt it more acutely than he does now. Nothing can be fixed this time, and they both know it. They enter Yang’s office together, Hanbin with the most neutral expression he can muster, while Seungjae’s face is twisted still with anger and resentment.   
  
Yang is sitting at his desk when they enter, a sight so familiar to Hanbin that it makes his stomach lurch nervously. They stand together in front of his desk and wait to be acknowledged.   
  
Yang doesn’t look up when he speaks.   
  
“Sit down, Hanbin.” Hanbin does as he’s told, and that tells him exactly how this meeting is about to go. Yang doesn’t tell you to sit when you’re about to be scolded.   
  
They wait another minute for Yang to finish whatever he’s typing, and Hanbin stares at Seungjae’s back, watching him angrily fiddling with his fingers. Hanbin knows all his tells after being with him for so long, and right now Seungjae is still angry. It won’t end well for him.   
  
“Seungjae,” Yang finally calls as he sits back in his chair to look up at him, “you’re familiar with my three strike system?” Seungjae nods. “How many strikes do you currently have?”   
  
Seungjae’s voice is controlled and cold when he answers. “Two, sir.”   
  
“Mm, only two,” Yang replies, “and how many strikes have I rescinded over the years?”   
  
“Two, sir.”   
  
“Two,” Yang repeats, “technically then you’ve had four strikes. But after the last time, you made a promise to me that you would improve your problematic behaviour. Didn’t you?”   
  
“Yes, sir.”   
  
“And now this happens,” Yang says softly, in the voice he uses when he’s trying not to yell. “I have to admit that I’ve actually never seen anything so blatant from a trainee. You are aware of the trainee rules in place, correct?” Seungjae nods. “Of course you are. How old are you, Seungjae?”   
  
“Nineteen, sir.”

  
“And what’s the drinking age in Korea?”   
  
“Twenty, sir.”   
  
“So then, tell me, why are there pictures of you drinking? Even if it weren’t a trainee guideline, which it is as you know, it would still be illegal for you to be drinking. There are also pictures of you smoking, Seungjae. I would hope, for your sake, those are only cigarettes.”   
  
Seungjae doesn’t answer, but Hanbin can see his fingers digging even harder into his arms and his own mouth drops open in shock. Surely Seungjae isn’t admitting to drugs with his silence? Hanbin’s eyes brim with tears and he pinches himself to keep from letting them slip out.   
  
Yang takes a deep and deliberate breath in, letting it out slowly, and Hanbin can’t recall ever seeing the CEO look this angry before. It’s a controlled anger, which is always more terrifying than loud outbursts.   
  
“To make matters even worse, Seungjae, who is the girl sitting in your lap in these pictures?”   
  
Seungjae doesn’t seem like he wants to answer at first, but Yang sits up and that’s enough to get him talking. “She’s just a friend from school.”   
  
“Ah, just a friend. And who posted these pictures, Seungjae? I’m sure you know.”   
  
“My girlfriend.”   
  
“Girlfriend?” Yang repeats, a threatening tone to his voice.   
  
“Ex-girlfriend,” Seungjae amends.   
  
“Right, ex-girlfriend. Who caught you supposedly cheating on her, and retaliates by posting these pictures of you. How did she get these pictures?”   
  
“I don’t know, sir. I wasn’t aware they were taken.” Seungjae replies, but Hanbin can already tell he’s lying before Yang says anything, because Seungjae gets even more fidgety.   
  
Yang leans forward, and Hanbin himself feels terrified even though he’s done nothing wrong. “Why are you lying to me, Seungjae? You’re posing for the camera. You knew it was there, you know your picture was being taken.” Yang’s voice is still soft, though his eyes are like drills, ready to bore holes straight into Seungjae’s brain to sort out the truth from the lies.   
  
Seungjae doesn’t reply, caught now, and Yang sits back in his chair again. Hanbin can’t look at Seungjae anymore, thoroughly heartbroken over all of this. Girlfriend. Other girls. Drinking. Smoking. Possibly drugs? When did Seungjae even have the time? Had he been skipping classes?   
  
“Three and a half years I’ve invested into you, time and money both. This is how you choose to repay that? Flaunting your disrespect of my rules?” There’s a new current of utter disgust in Yang’s tone.   
  
“I’m sorry, sir.”   
  
“Sorry?” Yang laughs, like Seungjae’s just told him a joke. “Ah, I hate being right sometimes. How long ago was it now that we had our last chat? Sometime late last year, yes? I spent a good deal of time discussing you with my brother, because I was thinking about cutting your contract after some of your questionable behaviour on WIN that year. I had a feeling in my gut that you would continue to give me bigger headaches. Your attitude has always been a problem, but your talent kept you around. However, something else kept you around last year. Do you want to take a guess at what that something was?”   
  
Hanbin perks up then, looks at Yang and shakes his head. Hanbin knows the answer (he _is_ the answer) but he’d never told Seungjae. He doesn’t want Yang to say it. Doesn’t want Seungjae to know.   
  
But Seungjae’s waiting for the explanation and Yang points at Hanbin.   
  
“Hanbin is the reason why I gave you one last chance. I’d made up my mind to terminate your contract, but I decided to discuss it with Hanbin, since I knew he was having a rough time after the loss on WIN, and I worried that losing you would be detrimental to his well being. He begged me to give you one last chance. Begged. For you.” Yang’s eyes are full of rage at this point, and Hanbin is sorry he didn’t look away sooner. Even so, his voice is still terrifyingly calm.   
  
Seungjae’s body is stiff with barely concealed rage, and Hanbin is terrified of the storm that’s about to be unleashed.   
  
“Seungjae, it’s very rare that I change my mind. But I allowed Hanbin to change my mind. He bought you more time, would have even bought you debut, since I was seeing improvement on your part. And this is how you repay his loyalty?”   
  
Hanbin wants to tell Yang to stop, wants to say it’s unnecessary. But on the other hand he’s relieved to hear Yang say it, relieved to know that Yang’s on his side, that he’s not being blamed. Relieved to hear that Yang seems to appreciate him. But it’s going to make Seungjae thoroughly despise him, and Hanbin can’t bear the thought.   
  
Seungjae, however, can’t bear the words. “Everything’s always about Hanbin! It’s always been about Hanbin!”   
  
“With good reason, given your behaviour!” Yang finally yells, standing up at his desk, and Hanbin sees Seungjae flinch. “The pictures have already been posted to major news sites, there is no taking this back. There will be a police investigation into you, and subsequently into my company. And you would dare raise your voice at me?”   
  
Seungjae’s hands are balled into fists at his side, and Hanbin’s afraid he might try to hit the CEO in his anger. Every time he keeps thinking he’s seen Seungjae at his angriest, he keeps getting angrier.   
  
Yang stands before him, like he’s testing him. But Seungjae manages to keep his cool and doesn’t snap, even though he clearly wants to. When they’re calm for longer than a minute Yang speaks again. “Your contract with this company is immediately terminated. Your former manager will accompany you back to the dorm, where you will pack your things immediately. You will then be taken to your family, who have already been informed. Your legal counsel will be handled by my team. They will help you to achieve the best results when you are prosecuted, and you will be.”   
  
Hanbin listens in stunned silence. Will Seungjae really be investigated by the police? Do they do that just for underage drinking? Or is Yang talking about the drugs? Hanbin didn’t see that picture, doesn’t want to. They talk for a bit longer but Hanbin doesn’t pay attention, too focused on the whole police investigation part of it.   
  
Two people he cares about investigated by the police, two who are undoubtedly going to be charged. Hanbin can’t help but feel panic start to rise in his chest. He still hasn’t told Yang about his father. What’s going to happen when he does?   
  
Seungjae is finally dismissed and Hanbin looks up at him then. Seungjae’s eyes are still full of rage, Hanbin can practically hear the curses from the look on his face alone. He stands up and moves closer out of instinct, because he wants to hug him and promise him that he’ll be there for him, that he’ll support him no matter what.   
  
But Yang would never let him.   
  
Neither would Seungjae, judging by the look on his face. He pauses in front of Hanbin, eyes burning a hole through his head. Hanbin wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what, doesn’t know what he can possibly offer to someone he’s terrified of losing.   
  
“Jae…” Hanbin’s eyes are brimming with tears, while Seungjae’s are burning with anger.   
  
Seungjae’s lips snarl back and his eyes narrow, and he replies  in a low and dangerous voice.   
  
“Fuck you, Hanbin. I hope you fail without me.” Then he brushes past him for the door, where their manager is waiting, an angry look on his face at the overheard comment.   
  
Hanbin stands, frozen in shock, unable to comprehend what just happened.   
  
He’s lost Seungjae. Not just as a member, but as a friend, as a brother. As a partner. Seungjae has felt like his other half for three and a half years, has been Hanbin’s trusted companion in music, his greatest source of inspiration and motivation.   
  
What is he supposed to do now?   
  
He’s surprised when seconds later he feels himself being pulled into a hug. It takes him a few seconds to realize it’s Yang. The CEO rubs his back and they stand in silence for a few seconds, Hanbin still shell-shocked.   
  
“I’m sorry that played out the way it did,” Yang says softly, holding him at arm’s length, “I understand this must be very difficult for you.”   
  
Hanbin’s not sure what to say. He never would have expected the sympathy from Yang, never would have expected the soft reaction. But it’s horribly misplaced. It’s so terribly misplaced and Hanbin can’t kept it to himself any longer.   
  
“Sir, there’s something I need to tell you,” Hanbin rambles in a shaky breath, and he doesn’t want to do this now but he can’t keep hiding it, can’t keep going with the immense pressure on his shoulders. He’s barely been afloat all summer, but now with Seungjae gone, surely he’ll drown if he doesn’t own up to his own misdeeds.   
  
But Yang is still full of surprises.   
  
“I know about your father,” Yang tells him, and Hanbin’s eyes go wide and without thinking about it he drops to his knees, tears springing to his eyes.   
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you as soon as I found out,” he begins, choking back the sobs because he doesn’t deserve to be allowed to cry about this right now, “I understand that you have to do whatever you think is best, I know you have to put the company and the team first—”   
  
“Hanbin-ah, get up,” Yang says softly, repeats it again when Hanbin doesn’t acknowledge the instruction, “please sit down and listen.”   
  
Hanbin does as requested, sliding back into the chair he’d occupied while listening to Yang scold Seungjae. Instead of returning to his chair behind the desk, Yang instead sits in the chair next to Hanbin’s. The soft look in the CEO’s eyes surprises Hanbin, but it also makes him feel guilty.   
  
“Your parents contacted me a month ago, I’ve been keeping updated with them,” Yang begins, and Hanbin doesn’t know what to say, “I promise you that I will do whatever I can in my power to keep this out of the public. I can’t offer our legal team, of course, but your father has a very reputable lawyer brokering his deal, he’s in good hands. We will do our best to keep this from getting out, and even if it does, I promise that it will not affect your standing with this company. You will still debut with your group, because it is _your_ group, and no one can lead it but you.”   
  
Hanbin doesn’t want to cry in front of him, but he can feel tears slipping down his cheeks already. He’s been suffering under the weight of this guilt for weeks, when all along Yang knew? He’s been nervously checking the news, nervously answering phone calls, having the worst fitful sleeps of his life, and Yang knew?   
  
Hanbin’s not sure whether he should be grateful or angry. Why hadn’t his parents told him that they’d spoken to him? Why had they kept it from him? Did they think he wouldn’t be suffering? That he wouldn’t be thinking about it?   
  
But it’s done, and at least now he can stop living in fear of having to tell Yang himself.   
  
“But we don’t need to talk about your father right now,” Yang says, “instead we need to focus on your group. This throws everything to hell and back, and we need to figure out a solution.”   
  
Hanbin nods and tries to focus on what Yang tells him.   
  
Anything to keep Seungjae’s last words to him out of his head. Anything to forget them.


	10. Time Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you didn't notice, I've added another chapter onto the count. It's 12 now. :)

He’s in a daze during the meeting, listening but not really hearing, speaking without being fully aware of what he’s saying. He feels an odd sort of detachment from the situation while it’s happening. YG is telling him things, asking him questions, and while he’s aware that he’s answering, all he hears when he speaks is a buzzing sound. Like his ears are stuffed full of cotton. He has no concept of time, no idea how long he’s in the office for, discussing whatever it is they’re discussing. Probably the future of his team. Maybe something else entirely.   
  
When he’s finally dismissed he forgoes the elevator and opts for the stairs, descending them in a fog of confusion. He feels comforted by the pounding of his feet on the steps, though. It’s almost like a song in its own way. An inspiring percussion track.   
  
The rest of his team are in one of the basement dance studios, waiting for him, but instead he heads for the exit. He probably shouldn’t be leaving the building, has absolutely no business wandering the streets alone, but he just can’t face anyone else right now. They’ll have questions for him, but he won’t have any of the answers. They’ll be looking to him to hold them all together, but he can’t even hold himself together at the moment.   
  
He knew what was going to happen the second he’d gotten the call, yet he’s still shocked at the outcome. It’s so  _ official _ now, it’s real in a way that it wasn’t real when he and Jinhwan were looking down at that first picture on Jinhwan’s phone. There’s no taking it back, it’s going to print, there will be no happy resolution.   
  
Seungjae is out of his team, out of the company, out of his very  _ life. _   
  
That thought is what makes him tear up first. He’s just lost his best friend. The person he always envisioned at his side, the only one he ever wanted there. From his first day at YG he’s had Seungjae. The two of them and Jinhwan, two rappers and a vocalist. They’d added more vocalists over time, it had always been the expectation that they’d keep adding more. But they’d both known that no matter how many vocalists they had, they would never add another rapper. He and Seungjae were enough. No one else necessary.   
  
But now it’s only him and he can’t do it alone. He can’t make it work by himself, because it’s not enough. He’s not enough on his own, he needed Seungjae. Needed his energy, needed his attitude. He gets too lost in himself sometimes, he always has, but Seungjae always pulled him back out, always pulled out the best in him.   
  
How is he supposed to find that now on his own?   
  
Panic wells up in him so suddenly that he stops walking and has to lean against a building, has to pinch his arm to control himself before he gets lost. Everything is fucked up. Everything. He can feel it in the pit of his stomach, bubbling up like a pot boiling over on the stove, he can feel it coming up the back of his throat, threatening to spew from his lips.   
  
Instead he takes a deep breath, tries not to shake but his limbs feel weird, like they’re all tingly, every inch of his skin is alive with painful little pinpricks and he has to shake them awake again before he collapses. He closes his eyes the second his vision goes blurry.   
  
He’s terrified of his own reaction, unsure what’s happening to himself. It feels like his entire body is going on strike, everything wants to stop working at the same time.   
  
He actually stops breathing for a bit, only becoming aware of it when suddenly he’s drawing in deep and heavy breaths, gasping like he’s just run a marathon. He sinks down until he’s squatting on the sidewalk, still leaning against the building, head bowed and eyes closed, like some old man near the end of his life, gasping for one final breath.   
  
The buzzing of his phone in his pocket somehow breaks him out of the stupor, but he doesn’t look at the phone. Can’t look at it.   
  
What if it’s Seungjae, calling to spit vitriol at him again?   
  
What if it’s his mother, calling to tell him that his father’s just been picked up by the police?   
  
What if it’s his manager, calling to berate him for skipping out of the building unattended?   
  
What if it’s Jinhwan, calling to ask him where he is and when he’s coming back to them?   
  
He wants to break down in tears but he can’t do that, not here on the side of the street with people around. He’d draw too much attention to himself. He suddenly realizes that people might be watching him now. Did anyone follow him after he left the building? Has someone already sent his picture to Dispatch, has his nervous breakdown already been plastered all over the internet?   
  
He tries to clear his head, needs to empty it so he can focus on breathing. Only on breathing, nothing else. He starts counting the seconds in his head, tries to go slowly, tries to make a rhythm out of it. It actually works, he manages to focus on the numbers and soon he’s counting in time with his breathing, four numbers per breath.   
  
He opens his eyes again and everything’s clear. His limbs aren’t tingling anymore, he doesn’t feel like he’s about to throw up. He stands up on slightly shaky legs and forces himself to turn around and look behind him.   
  
There’s no one there. No one standing across the street watching him, no one sitting in a car watching him. No one seems to be paying him any attention.   
  
He quickly pushes away from the wall and starts walking again. He’s still walking away from the building, though. He can’t go back, not like this, not yet. He just wants to walk and keep his head empty, needs time for his body to accept that he’s mentally distraught, so it can at least keep working on auto-pilot whenever his brain decides to short-circuit again.   
  
At least it’s a nice night. That’s what he keeps telling himself. It’s warm out, but not disgustingly hot. He can breathe in without a problem, it doesn’t feel like he’s sucking in smog. It’s a nice night and he’s by himself, out for a walk, wandering around the streets of Seoul, and all he’s going to focus on is his breathing. In and out. In, an out. In…   
  
He should call his mother. Needs to tell his dad not to take the deal. Because what if his debut is delayed now, what if the company delays it because of Seungjae, and they don’t debut for a few years? His dad’s case will be old news by then, won’t it? So he doesn’t have to plead guilty? Doesn’t have to take the responsibility so it stays hushed up?   
  
But what if it’s too late? What if it’s already done? What if he calls her and she tells him that it’s finished, that it’s final, that he’s going to jail tomorrow? What if he hears his dad’s voice for the last time, only for him to finally be released in a few years’ time, just soon enough to finally see his son debut?   
  
He’ll be haunted by it. It’ll come up, it’ll be all over articles about him, about what’s left of his team, won’t it? He can read them all now.  _ YG delays debut of new boy group due to controversy over drug-using former member, only for leader B.I’s father to be released from prison the day of the group’s official debut. _ Netizens will be screaming for him to be cut, there will be petitions—there are  _ always _ petitions.   
  
Maybe this is all just a sign. He’s the problem. He’s the one who needs to go, isn’t he? They lost WIN because he didn’t lead them well enough. He failed Seungjae as a leader, and his failure is what led him to his destructive behaviour. Now he’s costing the rest of his team for it. He should be with them, he should be comforting them, but instead he’s running away from the problem. He’s leaving them on their own,  _ without him,  _ where they should be.   
  
It’s for the best. He’s toxic.   
  
He’d been so intent on preserving Team B, so desperate to keep them together and minimize the impact, but all along he was the one who should have left. It’s a blessing for the vocalists, isn’t it? They can go on without him. They should go on without him. He’s not going to go back because he’s a danger to their careers. Seungjae was the test, wasn’t he? He was the test and Hanbin failed it spectacularly.   
  
But now where is he supposed to go? He can’t go back to the main building, he can’t go to the dorm in case Seungjae is still there, he can’t go home because he can’t let his parents see him like this, he can’t go to anyone in the company—he’s got nowhere to go.   
  
The answer comes to him suddenly, like a rush of oxygen after near suffocation, and he pulls his phone out, finger skimming through the contacts until he’s found the one he’s looking for. When the voice answers after two rings he can’t bring himself to speak.   
  
“Hey, Hanbin! I can’t believe you actually called me!”   
  
Bobby’s voice is barely keeping him together at the moment. It’s like an anchor during a violent storm, keeping him rooted to the spot when all he wants to do is lose himself to the tides. He wants Bobby to keep talking, wants him to ramble about anything, just so he can listen to him speak.   
  
“Hanbin? You there?”   
  
He still can’t bring himself to respond, can’t force anything out of his lips except a shaky breath. He feels like he’s rapidly coming apart again and he’s not sure why. He just avoided a meltdown, and now suddenly he’s on the verge of one again?   
  
“Hanbin? Are you okay?”   
  
Sometimes all it takes is a trigger sentence for everything to come rushing out.   
  
“No. No, hyung, no I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” He sinks against the brick wall next to him again, his voice coming out in a low whisper, because even though he’s falling apart he’s still aware that he’s on the street, where anyone can hear him, and he’s terrified that people have found him now, he’s sure that people are about to start recording him and putting it on-line.   
  
“Okay, stay calm, alright? Where are you?” Bobby asks in a confident tone, no panic in his voice at all.   
  
“I don’t know, I’m just walking.”   
  
“Where, though? Do you want me to come and meet you?” Bobby’s offer is exactly what Hanbin wants right now.  _ Yes, _ he wants to say,  _ yes please come and get me, come and help me. _   
  
But his brain isn’t processing things at quite the same speed. “No, it’s okay,” is what comes out. He’s conditioned to exist in his own little world, keeping everything to himself, never asking anyone for help, not unless he’s dripping blood. It’s his knee jerk reaction, to pretend he’s okay.   
  
Bobby doesn’t accept it as an answer. “Hanbin, tell me where you are, go and find a street sign and tell me what intersection you’re at. And then you stay there, and I’m going to come and find you.” His voice is so direct, so strong, that Hanbin does exactly as he’s told. He gives Bobby his address and then he sits down on the sidewalk, back against the wall, knees pulled up and arms around them, shrinking in against himself. He pulls his snapback down over his eyes and pulls his hood up over the hat, hopes that anyone on the street will just think he’s some random kid.   
  
He’s not sure how long he’s there, but he started counting numbers again to stave off any other thoughts. After a while he realizes that he’s counting gibberish, breaking patterns and skipping numbers, and he makes himself start again, but the second he gets to the number six he thinks about Seungjae and that’s enough to break him down again.   
  
Everything he’s worked hard for is on the verge of utter ruination. Here he is, eighteen years old, huddled down on the sidewalk on a street corner, feeling certain that his entire life is over. Not just his life, but Seungjae’s life is ruined too, and by proxy the other four members of Team B are also at serious risk.   
  
He thinks back to last year. About all the suffering. Thinks about the lines he penned down in  _ Climax. _   
  
_ The gods asked me if I wasn’t gonna regret this _ _   
_ _ But I answer without hesitating _ _   
_ _ Why would I regret? _   
  
He regrets it now. He’s been arrogant, hasn’t he? So arrogant to assume that he was strong enough to do this, that he was good enough for it. He’s never been the type to doubt himself. Even after WIN, he’d doubted many things, but never himself. He’s always been confident, always been certain that he can do it all on his own.   
  
And now he’s being punished for his arrogance. Someone, somewhere, got tired of his cocky posturing and is now out to teach him a lesson in humility. Karmic retribution.   
  
Suddenly a hand grabs his arm and he looks up in surprise and shock and horror, because this is it, someone has found him and is about to stick a camera in his face and expose him for the villain he’s become—   
  
“Hanbin? Come on, let’s get up, come with me.”   
  
It’s Bobby. He’s confused for a moment, forgets that he called him. How did Bobby find him?   
  
Bobby looks at him with concerned eyes, like Hanbin’s a wounded animal near death. “Come on, let me get you out of here.”   
  
And then it comes back to him.  _ Right. _ He called Bobby in a moment of panic, when he realized that he had no one else. No one except Bobby, who doesn’t know much about the idol side of his life. He called him because he hoped that Bobby wouldn’t ask him too many questions. He’s vaguely aware of the thought that he shouldn’t go with him, that he needs to get back to the company, back to his team, but he shoves that part of his brain into a soundproof room and locks the door.   
  
He lets Bobby pull him up and he follows him into the backseat of a car. The first thing he thinks is that it’s so different from a company van. It’s different than when he sat in the passenger seat of Jiyong’s lamborghini.   
  
Thinking about Jiyong makes him feel horrible, because it’s one more person he’s failed. He’s supposed to be Jiyong’s successor, as much as he hates the title. But maybe that’s another punishment, because maybe he doesn’t really hate it as much as he says he does. Maybe it’s another contributing factor to his arrogance. Jiyong is so far ahead of him in terms of everything—how dare he allow anyone to say he’s the next?   
  
Hanbin suddenly feels an arm slide around his shoulders, and it’s Bobby, pulling him closer. Bobby pushes Hanbin’s hood back and knocks his snapback off so he can pull his head down against his chest, and Hanbin lets him do it. Lets himself get pulled into the embrace that he’s so desperate for. This is what he wants—someone to hold him close. The physical contact unlocks his brain and suddenly he’s got words tumbling off his lips.   
  
“I sacrificed everything for nearly four years and it’s all fucked now.” His voice is shaky when he talks, and Bobby strokes a finger over his cheek in response.   
  
“What’s fucked, Hanbin?”   
  
“Seungjae. He’s gone, I lost him.” Hanbin is aware that he’s holding his breath again, like he’s waiting for something—but what?   
  
Bobby hugs him tight. “Ah shit, Hanbin, I’m so sorry.”   
  
“He hates me.” Hanbin hates how it sounds out loud, hates the way it makes him remember Seungjae’s face, angry eyes glaring a hole through his head. “He blames me for everything, and he’s right, it’s all my fault, everything is my fault.”   
  
“Don’t say that.” Bobby pats his cheek again.   
  
“It’s true,” Hanbin replies, “I didn’t realize it until now, though. I sacrificed a lot, I always stood up for him, I always put myself on the line for him, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t do enough for him, I could have done more, I could have helped him do more. I failed him.” Saying it out loud makes him feel so much worse.   
  
Bobby isn’t sure what to say in response. He doesn’t know what’s going on with Seungjae, has no idea why he was kicked out, but he can’t imagine how it could possibly be Hanbin’s fault. But how do you dispute something without knowing all the facts?   
  
“I fought for him for so long, even though he kept sabotaging himself. But I never tried to help him, I just tried to cover up for him. Why didn’t I help him?”   
  
Hanbin sounds so forlorn and desperate that Bobby can’t help but try to assuage the guilt he’s clearly feeling. “You can’t help people who don’t want your help, Hanbin. You’re not responsible for everyone.”   
  
“I am, though, at least with them I am. I’m their leader, Bobby, I’m supposed to be responsible for them and I wasn’t. I should have known what he was doing, I should have known he’d be upset and jealous, I should have tried harder with him. I thought he was okay, though. I thought he was okay, and he wasn’t okay, and that’s my fault.” Hanbin wonders if this is how his father felt when he became aware of what was going on with his company? Is he being punished not just for his own actions, but also for his father’s?  _ Sins of the father fall heavy on the son. _ Something like that.   
  
Bobby doesn’t know what else to say, so he just lets him ramble on. He sounds distraught, not at all the controlled and collected Hanbin he’s known until now. Bobby looks up and meets his aunt’s eye in the rearview mirror. They share a solemn look, a pact of silence. They both know that Hanbin shouldn’t be here right now, but they’re not going to take advantage of the situation.   
  
She drives them back to her apartment and it’s not until she’s pulling into her parking spot that Hanbin seems to regain his awareness. His head snaps up suddenly and he looks around, wild eyes meeting Bobby’s. There’s a panic clearly visible in them that catches Bobby by surprise.   
  
“Fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you.” Hanbin sits back and wipes a hand across his eyes. His demeanour changes instantly. He gets stiff and awkward, like he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself, or with Bobby.   
  
“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay, I promise,” Bobby replies in a soft voice, “what you said stays between us, okay?”   
  
Hanbin shakes his head and tries to be conscious about how he’s breathing, because the last thing he needs is to lose his breath and start gulping for air in a panic again. “No, it was wrong of me, I never should have called you and I shouldn’t have told you anything.”   
  
“I understand that, Hanbin, but you did call me.” He reaches out and takes one of Hanbin’s hands in his own, threading their fingers together. “You called me because you didn’t have anyone else to call, right? You needed someone, but it had to be someone outside your company.” Hanbin sniffles at the comment and his breath comes in a shaky gasp. “Come inside for a bit, okay? You can talk more if you need to, and if not then just come in and have some tea and calm down before you go home.” Bobby’s afraid he’s going to refuse, afraid he’s going to demand to be taken back right away.   
  
But to his relief Hanbin relents and agrees to follow him inside. His aunt heads to the kitchen to make that promised tea for Hanbin, while Bobby pulls him down to sit beside him on the couch. He slides an arm around his shoulders, and while Hanbin’s body is stiff at first, eventually he relaxes into Bobby’s side, unable to resist the draw of a warm body. After a minute he’s got his feet up under him and he’s curled under Bobby’s arm, his eyes closed while Bobby’s fingers rub soothing little circles on his back.   
  
Bobby doesn’t pressure him to talk, and maybe that’s why Hanbin’s willing to stay. He’s desperate for someone to make everything okay, but he knows that no one can fix anything for him. But there’s an allure to being cared for, it feels almost taboo to him because he’s never let anyone do it before. He’s always solved his own problems, but he can’t solve this one. Bobby’s not trying to solve anything, though, and that makes all the difference to Hanbin.   
  
He takes the cup of tea from Bobby’s aunt and closes his eyes when she lays a hand on his head and tells him that he’s welcome to stay for the night if he needs to. She also offers him a home cooked meal if he’s hungry, waving off his concerns over troubling her.   
  
“You have too many troubles of your own for someone so young,” she tells him, “so if you’re hungry I’d be more than happy to cook you something delicious. When’s the last time you were home to see your mom, huh?”   
  
It hasn’t been that long, really, but the last visit wasn’t one for healing, but he’s not about to tell her that. He hasn’t been able to enjoy his mom’s cooking for months, though, the last time he’d gone home to visit under happy pretences had been before he’d started filming Show Me The Money. She makes a clucking noise of sympathy before demanding to know what his favourite food is. Bobby warns him that he’d better let her cook him something, so he relents and tells her his favourite dish, and she pats his head again before heading for the kitchen.   
  
It’s such a nice gesture that it brings him to tears and he’s got his head on Bobby’s chest a minute later, sniffling into his shoulder while Bobby cards a hand through his hair, his fingers soothingly brushing the strands, and despite being sad and depressed, Hanbin actually feels kind of good. Turns out it’s nice to let someone take care of you when you’re hurting.   
  
Even though it’s a terrible idea, and he  _ knows _ it’s a terrible idea the very second it forms in his head, he can’t help but think it. Can’t help but compare.   
  
Hanbin has spent nearly four years with Seungjae, and despite being older, not once in their history did Seungjae ever try to take care of him. Usually it was the other way around, Hanbin looking out for him, comforting him when things didn’t go his way. He hadn’t been surprised at the time, because while he was the oldest child in his family, Seungjae was the youngest of four, and he’d always been babied by his siblings.   
  
Still, it was no excuse, and Hanbin knows it. Seungjae could have done more,  _ should _ have done more. Of course he’d had Jinhwan to fill the role of comforting hyung, but Seungjae was a full year older than him, and he never should have put Hanbin in the position he’d put him in.   
  
And now he’s here with Bobby, someone he’s only known for two months, and already Bobby has done more for him in that time than Seungjae did in almost four years and Hanbin can’t help but feel bitter about it. How different would things have been, if he’d had Bobby instead of Seungjae? If he’d been allowed to be the youngest brother of their trio? It’s not that he wants to be coddled. He hates it. But sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes he needs someone to tell him to  _ shut up and let me take care of you _ and he doesn’t have anyone he feels comfortable giving that power to. His relationship with Jinhwan isn’t like that, but he doesn’t blame Jinhwan for it. It’s all because they’d been more focused on taking care of Seungjae, like parents of a needy child, and that’s what their relationship is like now. Two people who know how to work together, who know how to comfort each other when they’re down, but who never push because they’re afraid of breaking each other. If one breaks, then the other will also break. Neither of them can afford to be broken.   
  
He needs someone who can bully him into submitting, someone strong enough to take on his burdens and not buckle under the pressure. Bobby feels stable and strong, he feels reliable. Hanbin realizes then that despite being a team for so long, he’d never really felt like he could rely on Seungjae for anything more than a good performance.   
  
He needs more in life than just a performing partner, though.   
  
Bobby’s aunt comes out with food for him, and Hanbin wonders what time it is, doesn’t quite know how long he’s been gone for. The others must be worried about him, Jinhwan must be losing his mind…   
  
He sits up and thanks her for the food, and it looks and smells so wonderful but he’s crippled with a sudden guilt. He’s about to eat a good meal, and he wonders what the others are eating tonight? Something far too insubstantial from the convenience store across the street, because no one’s got time to cook these days.   
  
He’s being insufferably selfish right now, and he’s not a selfish person. He’s always sacrificed for his members, always done his best for them. The thought of getting a precious gift like this while they’re suffering without him has tears coming to his eyes again, and he wipes halfheartedly at them. He’s never been teetering on a tearful collapse the way he’s been all night. It feels weird, uncomfortable and awkward.   
  
Bobby leans into him and butts his head softly. “Eat, Hanbin,” Bobby tells him, “don’t make me feed you myself!”   
  
Hanbin smiles weakly at him before starting in on the meal. It’s so good, he can feel the warmth of the soup seeping into his bones. He wants to get up and kiss Bobby’s aunt to show his gratitude, wants to hug her and shower her with all the praise he can muster. He finishes it quickly and she smiles at him in that affectionate motherly sort of way when she comes to collect his bowl. She lays a hand against his cheek and god  _ he misses his mother so much right now _ but he thanks her and smiles and hopes that she can read everything on his face that he can’t actually bring himself to say.   
  
She looks on him with such fondness that he’s sure she understands, and it’s a comforting feeling. She retires to her room and it’s just the two of them then. Hanbin finally looks at the time, sees how late it is, and he’s afraid to look at his phone. He still can’t face going back to the dorm, can’t look any of them in the eyes.   
  
“What’s wrong?” Bobby asks him, can feel the way he’s gotten all tense again.   
  
Hanbin doesn’t answer, just leans against him. He needs to talk to Jinhwan. He’s not just failing as a leader right now, he’s failing as a friend, too. He’s fled the scene and left Jinhwan to clean up the mess, and he’s ashamed at how cowardly he’s being. But the hurt over Seungjae is still too fresh for him to move past. He can still hear his hateful voice, can still see the anger in his eyes. To be on the receiving end of such negativity from someone he loves so deeply is almost too much for him to handle.   
  
“I need to call Jinan.” He sits up suddenly, because he can’t let himself sit around and mope. Not when he has someone who needs to talk to him. Bobby lets him go, doesn’t follow him, and Hanbin slides open the door to the balcony and steps out into the cool night air. He swipes his phone open but doesn’t look at any of the message notifications, just calls Jinhwan directly. He picks up right away.   
  
“Hanbin? Where are you?”   
  
He can hear the desperate worry in his voice and he feels terrible. He should have texted him, at least, should have told him he would be out. He wonders how much they know by now, if anyone has told them everything, or if he was supposed to have done that. It should have been him.   
  
“I’m with a friend.” Hanbin’s surprised at his own answer. It feels so weird to say it out loud, to call someone his friend. He hasn’t had any friends outside of his members for literally years now, because he’s terrible at maintaining friendships with people.   
  
“Okay,” Jinhwan replies, partly relieved, and it makes Hanbin feel guilty again, “I was worried about you, we’ve been trying to contact you for a while. We’re all back at the dorm now, Jae’s gone, and, well, I’m just worried about you.” Jinhwan’s voice nearly cracks, and Hanbin wants to break down in tears at being the cause. He wants to tell him not to worry, wants to put on a brave face, but he can’t. He can’t, and Jinhwan knows that.   
  
“Are you coming back tonight?” Jinhwan asks, and Hanbin doesn’t know what to say. He should be there. He should be there with them—he should be there with Jinhwan. He has no business being away from them when they need him the most.   
  
“I don’t know.” But his mouth keeps deciding to say the opposite of what his brain wants it to say.   
  
“It’s okay, stay with your friend,” Jinhwan tells him, “it’ll be hectic and stressful here, so take a night away.” Hanbin wants to say no, wants to go back to the dorm. Kind of. But he also wants to stay where he is.   
  
“I want to be there, with you,” Hanbin replies weakly, wants Jinhwan to understand that he really means it.   
  
Of course Jinwhan understands. “I know you do,” he replies, “but you need to think about yourself. Don’t come back until you’re ready.”   
  
Hanbin isn’t sure what to say (aside from a tearfully stated  _ I love you, hyung _ ) but Jinhwan is sweet to him, tells him to take all the time he needs. Then he hangs up and Hanbin is hit with the sudden desire to crawl into bed and sleep for an entire year. He’s utterly exhausted, mentally and physically. He slips his phone back into his pocket without checking the text messages (because he’s terrified that he’ll see one from Seungjae) and heads back inside.   
  
Bobby’s still on the couch where Hanbin left him, and Hanbin sinks down next to him again.   
  
“So, what’s the verdict? You need me to take you back, or do you wanna stay for the night?” Bobby expects him to leave, but he’s holding out hope that maybe Hanbin will decide to stay. Bobby doesn’t want him to go, doesn’t want to send him off with such a heavy heart.   
  
“Are you sure it’s okay if I stay?” Hanbin asks in a quiet voice, and Bobby fights to keep the smile off his face.   
  
“Of course it’s okay! You’ll have to sleep in my room with me, in my bed, it’s big though, don’t worry! The couch isn’t really long enough to sleep on.” Bobby laughs a little awkwardly and hopes Hanbin doesn’t mind. He doesn’t think he will, since Hanbin seems to enjoy physical contact, but sleeping is a different beast from sitting next to one another.   
  
Hanbin smiles weakly at him. “That’s okay, I don’t mind.”   
  
Bobby smiles back and stands up then, grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall to the spare bedroom he’s staying in. Halfway there he realizes that it’s probably weird that he took Hanbin by the hand, because it’s not like they’re at risk of being separated in the apartment. But Hanbin doesn’t seem to mind, in fact his fingers are locked quite tightly around Bobby’s. Maybe he likes it?   
  
Once they get to his room Bobby looks at him, taking in his clothing. It’s not really sleeping attire.   
  
“I don’t know what you usually wear to bed, but I have shorts and tees, if you want something?” Hanbin nods and Bobby moves to his dresser, rummaging around for his softest t-shirt. “You want a shower? Might make you feel better.” Bobby finds what he’s looking for, the brush of soft cotton on his fingers. He pulls out the red Winnie the Pooh t-shirt and grabs a pair of basketball shorts.   
  
He offers the clothes to Hanbin, who takes them. “A shower would be nice, if you’re sure it’s not a problem.”   
  
“Not at all!” Bobby smiles and leads him to the bathroom, grabbing him a towel from the rack. “Feel free to use whatever’s in there, and take as long as you want.”   
  
“Thanks, hyung.” Hanbin takes the towel and Bobby leaves him be, heading back to his room to get changed. And then it hits him that he’s about to share his bed with Kim Hanbin. His mind flashes back to all those episodes of WIN, remembering how impressed and awestruck he was by Hanbin in particular. He was so strong, talented and inspirational. He remembers the first time he talked to Hanbin, not that long ago, really, remembers how he kept pushing Hanbin to conversation before really knowing much about him, just trusting that feeling in his gut that told him that Hanbin was worth getting to know.   
  
And now he’s about to sleep next to him. He can’t help but think about his fans then, and he remembers those scenes of Hanbin and the others meeting all those screaming girls. He wonders what they’d think if they knew about this, wonders if they’d be okay with their favourite spending a night in the same bed with some American guy he barely knows. He hopes they’d appreciate him for trying to help, at least.   
  
But then he wonders if any of them followed Hanbin. Were they there in the street when he showed up? Did they watch him push Hanbin into his aunt’s car, did they follow them here? Are there fans sitting outside his building right now?   
  
Maybe Hanbin isn’t even famous enough for stalker fans yet. Bobby hopes not, otherwise things might get awkward for him if pictures of them start showing up online. He doesn’t worry about himself, but he worries about Hanbin.   
  
But nothing can be done about it now anyway, so Bobby gets changed and makes sure the pillows are all fluffed up. He grabs his toothbrush and brushes his teeth in the kitchen sink. When he’s done he sits in bed to wait for Hanbin and he does an internet search, nothing questionable, just  _ YG Seungjae _ and he’s surprised at all of the articles he sees already.   
  
He quickly scans through the first one and it tells him all he needs to know. He looks at the pictures, correlates them to the guy he watched on WIN, struggling alongside Hanbin, spending all night with him making music for their team. His heart breaks all over again for Hanbin, because now he understands his tearful rambling in the car, understands why he was wandering the street by himself, distraught.   
  
Hanbin’s just lost his closest friend, someone who was there with him during the hardest times of his life, someone he thought would be there through the best ones. It makes Bobby think about Robbie. What would he do if Robbie suddenly turned his back on him? How would that feel?   
  
It’s such a depressing thought that when Hanbin finally reappears in his room the first thing Bobby does is hop out of bed and pull Hanbin into a hug. It feels like Hanbin melts into him, and Bobby has never hugged another guy so tightly before and with so much emotion attached. But Hanbin clearly needs to be hugged, he needs the affection right now.   
  
Bobby pulls him over to the bed and gets him inside, pulls the blanket up to his shoulders. He stands over him for a moment and pats his head, asks him if he needs anything before he sleeps. Hanbin shakes his head so Bobby goes to his own side and slides under the covers. They’re lying side by side for a minute but neither of them can fall asleep.   
  
Despite being utterly exhausted, Hanbin’s brain is overthinking again, packing everything into his head. He just wants to blank out and fall asleep, and he’s terrified that he’s going to lay awake all night. He desperately wants to cuddle up to Bobby, because if he were home right now he’d be cuddling up with Jinhwan. He won’t fall asleep with someone so close by but out of reach.   
  
Bobby can’t stop thinking about what he’s just read, can’t stop thinking about how everything Hanbin has worked for is at risk of destruction. He’s angry on his behalf, but he’s also sad to see him suffering, and he’s worried.   
  
They both turn to face each other at the same time.   
  
Bobby reaches out first, laying his hand against Hanbin’s cheek, his thumb rubbing softly over the skin. He wants to do more for him, but what else is there to do? Hanbin smiles at the contact, and that’s all that matters in the end.   
  
“Thank you, hyung,” Hanbin says in a soft and shaky voice, and Bobby’s protective instincts kick up a few notches and before he thinks about it he slides closer and pulls Hanbin against him, tucks his head down against his chest and lays an arm across his back.   
  
“I’m here for you, okay? I’m here, and I promise I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you need me you can call me.” He’s not used to playing this kind of role. He’s the youngest at home, and even when he’d had a girlfriend he’d never felt what he’s feeling now. He feels like he wants to shield Hanbin from everything.   
  
Hearing it does something weird to Hanbin. It’s got his heart beating rapidly and the insides of his stomach fluttering, like it’s home to a thousand little butterflies. He closes his eyes and nestles his head into the space under Bobby’s chin, his face warm against Bobby’s skin. Bobby’s still got hints of an aftershave on his skin. Usually Hanbin hates scents, but this one’s faint enough that it’s actually quite nice. Bobby’s arm is heavy across his back and Hanbin likes how it feels. It’s comforting in it’s protection and it’s exactly what he needs to quiet his brain so he can sleep.   
  
Bobby can feel Hanbin calm down and drift off, and just before he does Bobby presses his lips against his forehead, a soft little kiss on his skin. He’s not sure why he does it, but it feels good. Calming Hanbin down enough to fall asleep feels good, he feels useful. Hanbin falls asleep with a smile on his face.   
  
He’s confused when he wakes up the next morning, forgetting where he is. But the smell of Bobby’s faint aftershave reminds him. He wakes up exactly where he’d fallen asleep—chin tucked into Bobby’s chest, strong arms around his back, legs tangled together—and he can’t help but think about Seungjae again.   
  
Not even after WIN, during those few weeks of his deepest depression, not even then did Seungjae ever reach out to offer him the kind of support that Bobby offered him last night. Neither physical nor emotional.   
  
Bobby made a promise last night, and Hanbin takes promises seriously. He wonders if Bobby does too, or if it was just lip service? He wonders if Bobby would make the same promise under the guidance of a new morning that he made after a long night?   
  
Hanbin lies awake for a while, nestled in Bobby’s embrace, and he takes everything he can from it because he doesn’t know when it might end. He selfishly doesn’t want it to end, he wants to stay here for days, wants to sleep while knowing that someone he trusts is watching over him.   
  
It’s weird how quickly he’s put his trust in Bobby. They’re still almost strangers, but he feels comfortable talking to him, feels certain that he won’t let anything slip. Maybe he shouldn’t be so quick to judge after Seungjae, because Bobby could always just be playing him. Maybe Seungjae’s fall out is part of the problem too. He’s just lost one of the most important people in his life. Maybe he just wants to try and replace him quickly so it doesn’t hurt as much.   
  
Bobby finally stirs after a while and Hanbin waits for him to wake up, waits for his reaction. He’s afraid that Bobby might wake up with a sense of regret. Maybe he’ll feel weird about waking up with Hanbin plastered to him. Hanbin hopes he won’t wake up and hop out of bed, awkwardly running for the bathroom.   
  
But that’s exactly what happens.   
  
Bobby wakes up and remembers what happened the night before. He’s about to check if Hanbin is awake yet but one tiny shift of his body has Bobby realizing that he’s woken up with an erection. It’s not unusual, of course, but he’s never woken up in bed with another guy before, and it’s awkward. What if Hanbin feels it and gets weirded out? What if it ruins everything that happened last night? Bobby doesn’t want to sour the experience, so he quickly disentangles himself from Hanbin.   
  
But Hanbin’s awake and Bobby looks at him and freezes for a moment before blurting an excuse out. “I have to take a piss.” He stands up and heads for the door, only to turn around and look back at him. “Don’t move!” Then he darts out of the room and into the bathroom, where he runs the taps and splashes cold water over his face.   
  
Why of all mornings did his dick have to pick this morning?! It’s just a normal, run of the mill morning erection, right? Nothing special about it? Not caused by Hanbin, not at all.   
  
Or was it? Did his body mistake Hanbin for a girl? Or maybe his body doesn’t care at all that Hanbin’s a guy. Maybe his brain doesn’t care either. Too many maybes, and not enough answers.   
  
While Bobby’s freaking out in the bathroom, Hanbin’s freaking out in the bed. Was the previous night too good to be true? Was it just a tease, is karma still fucking with him? Giving him a brief taste of something nice, only to yank it away? It’s because he’d left his team. He’d abandoned them when they needed him, so of course Bobby had leapt away from him in alarm this morning.   
  
He sits up and looks around for his clothes, wonders if he should get dressed. Bobby had told him not to move, but that didn’t mean anything. He meant that he just didn’t expect Hanbin to have to get up and go yet. He was being a polite host.   
  
Bobby finally gets himself calmed down in the bathroom and gives himself a stern look in the mirror. He shouldn’t have flipped out that way. He probably worried Hanbin more with his mad scramble out of bed than he would have if Hanbin had noticed he was hard. After all, Hanbin’s a guy. He probably wakes up most mornings with his dick hard too. Guys understand about that stuff.   
  
He thinks about it again, thinks about Hanbin, and all he wants to do is climb back into bed,  _ with _ Hanbin. He wants to cuddle with him again, erection be damned, and he wants to softly kiss his face again. Maybe it’s just a weird protective thing. Maybe his hyung instincts are kicking in and firing on overdrive. Maybe not. Maybe it’s more than that. He’s just never felt this way about a guy before, so it’s tough to figure out what it actually means.   
  
He finishes in the bathroom and heads back to his room, frowning when he sees Hanbin standing up.  _ No, no, no, _ he thinks to himself,  _ please tell me he’s not awkward?! _   
  
Hanbin notices him and their eyes lock for a second, then Hanbin looks away and frowns. Bobby wants to kick himself for it, but he’s also rooted to the spot at the sight of Hanbin standing there beside his bed, wearing his favourite t-shirt. His heart aches at the sight, and that kind of seals the deal, doesn’t it?   
  
Hanbin frowns because Bobby looks worried when he sees him.  _ Is he wondering how he’s going to get rid of me now? _ Hanbin looks around for his clothes, determined to not make things more awkward than they are.   
  
Bobby panics when he sees Hanbin looking around and moves swiftly to his side. “Hey, uh, you’re not leaving, are you?”   
  
Hanbin looks back at him in awkward confusion. Bobby’s so close to him, he can feel the heat from his skin. “I should probably get going, shouldn’t I?”   
  
“Stay for breakfast?” Bobby offers, and the panic he feels at the possibility of Hanbin leaving definitely confirms it. He  _ likes _ him. Not just in a friendly way.   
  
Hanbin watches him for a moment before responding, like he’s trying to gauge how Bobby really feels. “Can I? You don’t mind?” He knows he should be getting back to his members, but he wants to stay with Bobby. Especially if Bobby doesn’t actually want him to go. He needs what Bobby gave him last night, he craves more of it. Bobby smiles at him, an eye crinkling smile that makes him look cuter than Hanbin’s ever seen him.   
  
“Of course you can, I’m not rushing you out the door.” He reaches out and lays a hand on Hanbin’s arm, unsure if it’s a good idea. They’re so close right now, and as much as Bobby feels like he wants to be closer he has to remember that maybe Hanbin doesn’t. But Hanbin doesn’t pull away, so maybe, if he’s lucky, maybe Hanbin wants to be closer too?   
  
Hanbin smiles when Bobby’s hand curls lightly around his arm. It’s such a nice feeling, being touched softly like this, Hanbin’s heart is wild in his chest. “Thanks for last night,” he says, because he needs to say something, “all of it. Thank you for coming to get me, thank you for listening, and thank you for letting me get close to you. I needed that yesterday.”   
  
Bobby’s breath is stuck in his throat as he listens to Hanbin talk, and his mind is racing with thoughts, the most prominent one being  _ I want to kiss you so bad right now _ , but he holds himself back somehow because he just can’t be sure. But Hanbin’s words are the key, aren’t they?  _ I needed that yesterday. _   
  
“Do you still need it today?” Bobby asks softly, because this is his way of asking without really asking. They’re so close to each other, barely room for air, and their eyes are locked on one another. Hanbin hesitates before answering, and Bobby wonders if he’s got the same desires and reservations right now?   
  
Finally he nods. “Yes, I still need it.”   
  
Bobby’s hands run lightly down Hanbin’s arms and back up again, over his shoulders and up his neck, until he’s got Hanbin’s face held in his palms, his fingers on the soft skin of Hanbin’s cheeks. They lean into it at the same time, they both lean into the kiss, their eyes close as their lips touch and they both feel a sense of deep rooted contentment wash over them like a soft summer rain.   
  
Their bodies meld together, Hanbin wraps his arms over Bobby’s back, and it isn’t until they slowly pull their heads apart that Bobby realizes with sudden embarrassment that his erection is back and poking Hanbin in the hip. Hanbin notices it at the same moment and he laughs and nudges it a little, and even though Bobby’s still a little embarrassed he’s more happy that Hanbin isn’t weirded out about it. He kisses Hanbin again, sliding a hand down over his back.   
  
Hanbin’s the one who speaks when they stop kissing.   
  
“We don’t have to have breakfast yet, do we?”   
  
Bobby grins at him and shakes his head. “No, I guess not.” He pulls Hanbin back over to the bed and in seconds they’re sprawled out together, Bobby propped up a little on pillows and Hanbin completely wrapped around him, his face buried in Bobby’s neck again.   
  
Bobby can’t stop smiling as he cards his hand through Hanbin’s hair. It feels so good to have him here like this, and even though he knows it’s not some magical cure to everything, he feels good that he can at least give Hanbin a pleasant morning after a very difficult night.   
  
They stay in bed for an hour, Hanbin drifts in and out of sleep, waking up to Bobby’s fingers lightly tracing patterns on his back. His looming problems are still there in the back of his mind, but he deserves a nice morning, doesn’t he? He needs it so he can have the strength to go back to his team and do what needs to be done.   
  
They finally get out of bed when Bobby’s aunt comes knocking at the door, asking them if they’d like to eat. They climb out of bed, lazily taking their time. Hanbin eats before he even thinks about looking at his phone. As much as he wants to stay here as long as possible, especially because he and Bobby need to talk about what all that kissing meant, his priority has to be on his team. He took one night off because he needed it to sort himself out, and he slept better than he’s slept in years, tucked in Bobby’s arms.   
  
But now he has the difficult task of going back and trying to repair the damage. The longer he stays away, the harder it will be. He texts Jinhwan and tells him he’ll be home soon, and he and Bobby go back to Bobby’s room so he can change.   
  
“Text me later, or call me, whatever you want,” Bobby tells him as he’s pulling his jeans on. He feels weird about just sending Hanbin away without talking about their morning, but he understands.   
  
“I will, I promise,” Hanbin replies, “when I know what’s going on, I’ll let you know.”   
  
Bobby nods and pulls Hanbin into his arms again when he’s fully dressed in his own clothes. He’s feeling weirdly sad about not seeing Hanbin in his favourite t-shirt anymore. “I meant what I said, okay? I promise that I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. If I don’t answer it’s because I’m making food or washing dishes for my aunt.” He grins at Hanbin, who matches his expression.   
  
“That’s okay, I know you mean it. Thank you, again. Even if what happened this morning hadn’t happened, I really needed help last night, and I never ask for help, so thank you for helping me.”   
  
Bobby doesn’t reply, he just kisses him again and hugs him tightly. His aunt has agreed to drive Hanbin back, and Bobby sits in the back seat with him, arm around his shoulders. They don’t talk on the drive back, and Hanbin takes every last bit of comfort he can from Bobby. She finally pulls up outside his building and Hanbin takes a moment before climbing out from the back seat. He holds hands with Bobby inside the car.   
  
Bobby’s aunt is standing outside waiting for him, and she gives him a tight hug that makes him long for his mother again.   
  
“Anytime you need to come over, please come. I don’t know if Jiwonie told you, but I own a restaurant, so if you and your boys ever want a nice meal you come by and I’ll feed you, okay?” She pats his cheek and Hanbin nods before giving her another hug, extremely grateful for her.   
  
She pushes a few bags of food into his hands, makes him promise he’ll feed his members well when he gets to them. The gesture chokes him up and he can barely thank her, but she can see the gratitude in his eyes.   
  
He turns one last time at the door to wave goodbye to them before heading in for the elevators.   
  
Time to be a leader.


	11. Plans & Potential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanbin has to make some hard decisions.

The next morning Hanbin wakes up cuddled against Jinhwan’s back, and the realization of what he needs to do all but slaps him in the face.   
  
He needs to quit Show Me The Money. It wouldn’t be right for him to continue on the show right now, not with the controversy over Seungjae, not with the type of song he has planned. He’ll just look like a complete asshole, unconcerned over losing one of his original members.   
  
“What are you thinking about?” Jinhwan asks, startling Hanbin, who hadn’t realized he was awake.   
  
Hanbin tightens his arm around Jinhwan, laying his head back against his shoulder. “I think I should quit the show.” He wonders what Jinhwan will tell him. Wonders if he’ll try to get him to carry on or not.   
  
“I think that’s a very responsible decision, even though it sucks and it’s totally not fair to you.” Jinhwan wraps his fingers around Hanbin’s forearm, holding it tightly against his chest.   
  
Hanbin isn’t surprised by his answer, and he’s relieved to hear it. “Hyung, there’s something else I have to tell you.” There are two things he needs to tell him, actually, but he’s not sure which one he should start with.   
  
“What is it?” Jinhwan tenses a little, like he expects bad news, and Hanbin feels terrible, but he can’t keep hiding things from him. He’s not sure if he’ll tell the others, but he needs to confide in Jinhwan at least.   
  
“The Seungjae situation isn’t the only reason why I want to pull out of the competition.” He takes a deep breath to steady himself before he begins his explanation, and he hopes he got all of his tears out with Bobby. He doesn’t want to cry around Jinhwan. “I know you’re going to be upset with me for not telling you about this sooner, but I couldn’t. You were already stressed out enough with the show, I didn’t want you to be worrying about this too.”   
  
“Hanbin! You can’t keep things from me to try and protect me,” Jinhwan starts, disentangling himself and turning around to face him, “I’m older than you, you’re supposed to tell me about things and not worry about me.”   
  
Hanbin frowns and feels bad, but it can’t be helped. “There was no point in telling you, it wouldn’t have done any good because everything was still up in the air.” Jinhwan’s about to cut in again but Hanbin heads him off. “My dad’s company is being investigated by the police,” he starts, and Jinhwan’s face drops in shock, “some of his employees were embezzling money, and even though he wasn’t involved, there’s evidence against him, and he’s pleading guilty anyway.”   
  
“He’s what?” Jinhwan isn’t sure he understands what Hanbin’s just said, it’s not at all what he expected and it’s not fully settled in his brain.   
  
“He’s taking a deal in exchange for it to be kept quiet and out of the public,” Hanbin replies, “he’s doing it for me.”   
  
Jinhwan’s eyes blur with tears then and he pulls him in closer. “You should have told me, Hanbin.”   
  
“I didn’t want you to worry about it,” Hanbin says, even though it sounds like a weak excuse now.   
  
“Well I am worried, for you and your family. Your dad has always been good to me,” Jinhwan starts, but he’s cut off by his own choked sobs. With his parents hours away in Jeju, Jinhwan’s always been grateful for Hanbin’s parents because they’ve treated him like a son. How could Hanbin have kept this from him?   
  
Hanbin holds Jinhwan when he starts to cry, and he knows that Jinhwan is right. He should have told him. There was just too much going on, there was never a good time. “If it hadn’t been for the show, I’d have told you.”   
  
Jinhwan sits up suddenly, wiping his eyes. “That’s not an excuse, Hanbin. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me. For multiple reasons, not just because I care about your family, but,” he pauses again to take a few breaths and wipe his eyes again, “when you don’t tell me things, it makes me feel like you don’t trust me to help you. It makes me feel like you think I’m weak.”   
  
That thought has never crossed Hanbin’s mind. “I promise I don’t think that.”   
  
“Then why didn’t you tell me? I’m your hyung, you have to tell me about this stuff!” Jinhwan’s fingers grip around the blanket, trying to staunch the mixture of anger and hurt that’s currently taking over his brain.   
  
“There was just too much going on, I don’t think you’re weak, I just,” Hanbin isn’t really sure how to explain it, and he hopes it makes sense to Jinhwan, “I don’t think you’re weak, I promise. Don’t get mad at me for saying this, but I think that, emotionally, I’m stronger than you are. And I’ve been drowning, literally drowning under all this pressure, and I just couldn’t put it on you. Not because I didn’t trust you, but I just didn’t want you to drown with me. Not when everyone else would need you.”   
  
Jinhwan doesn’t answer right away, but his hands uncurl from around the blanket and reach for Hanbin’s instead. “Okay, I think I understand what you’re saying.”   
  
“I know you’re older than me, but I’m still the leader, and I can’t put weight on your shoulders that I can’t even carry on my own. I won’t do that to you, no matter how much you want me to. One of us always needs to be able to carry this team, and if I’m not in a position to do that, then you have to be, and if I’d told you about my dad, I don’t think you would have been okay. Not as okay as I needed you to be.”   
  
Jinhwan nods, because Hanbin is right. With all the stress of Mix & Match and the new trainees, Jinhwan has been stressed enough. Having to lead a team by himself, and step in to lead everyone when Hanbin has been away was almost too much for him to handle. He’d have probably fallen apart if he’d known about Hanbin’s dad.   
  
“Okay, I forgive you for not telling me until now. You were right to keep it from me.”   
  
Hanbin feels relieved to hear him say it, and he moves closer until he can lay his head in Jinhwan’s lap. He closes his eyes when Jinhwan’s hand settles over his cheek, needing a moment to rest before he tells Jinhwan about Bobby.   
  
Jinhwan is still in shock over the whole situation, and he can’t help but think about how unfair it is. All of it. Having to do a second survival show and trying to remain cold towards the new trainees, only to get attached to them anyway, while knowing that not all of them will be staying. The other three having to compete against each other, their futures uncertain after last year’s heartbreak. Then the Seungjae situation happening. Finally they were close, and now everything’s up in the air again. Now Hanbin’s dad. What’s next? This can’t be the end of their suffering.   
  
Hanbin sits up, afraid to tell Jinhwan about the whole Bobby situation, but knowing that he can’t put it off. Jinhwan has to help him figure it out, figure out if it’s worth the risk. After what Seungjae just pulled on them, Hanbin can’t in good conscience let anything carry on without discussing it with Jinhwan.   
  
“Hyung, there’s one more thing I have to tell you.”   
  
Jinhwan sighs and reaches out again for Hanbin’s hand. “Is it going to break my heart again?” He asks jokingly, trying to lighten the mood a little.   
  
“It might.” Hanbin can’t joke back, too afraid of the pending reaction.   
  
Jinhwan quietly looks at him for a bit, nervous about the way Hanbin’s approaching it. “Just tell me, whatever it is we’ll figure it out together.”   
  
Hanbin nods, and he hopes Jinhwan won’t regret the comment. “It’s about Bobby.”   
  
Jinhwan’s expression is surprised. It’s not anywhere on the list of what he’d expected Hanbin to say. “Bobby, your American friend?”   
  
Hanbin nods. “Yeah. I told you I stayed with Bobby that night, he’s the one I called. He was really good to me, hyung, he really took care of me that night. But something happened the morning after, something that I need to tell you about.”   
  
There’s a multitude of things it could be, but Jinhwan is refusing to give voice to any of them. “What happened?”   
  
Hanbin swallows nervously, and he grips Jinhwan’s fingers tightly, like he’s afraid of Jinhwan pulling away when he tells him. “He kissed me.”   
  
Jinhwan’s mouth drops in shock. He just stares for a few moments, unable to process the words. Bobby kissed Hanbin. “Like, romantically kissed you?”   
  
“Yes.” Hanbin wants to say more but he’s frozen at the moment because he can’t read what’s in Jinhwan’s eyes.   
  
“Did you like it?” Jinhwan asks, because Hanbin had come back to them refreshed and as okay as he realistically could be given the situation.   
  
“Yes.” There, it’s out now, and he just has to wait for Jinhwan’s response. At least he hasn’t pulled his hand away.   
  
Jinhwan looks away then, his gaze falls down to their intertwined fingers. Hanbin kissed a guy and he liked it. “I thought you liked girls?” Jinhwan’s still too shocked to say anything else, can’t make sense of the sudden bizarre news.   
  
“I do,” Hanbin replies, “I just, kind of like Bobby, too.”   
  
“Did you always like guys?” Jinhwan asks, still trying to wrap his head around it.   
  
“I don’t know, probably. I wasn’t surprised. I just never really thought about it, since I like girls too. You’re not upset, are you?” Hanbin just wants him to say something about it, needs to know what he thinks.   
  
Is he upset about Hanbin liking a guy? “No,” he shakes his head, immediately understanding that it really doesn’t bother him, “I’m not upset, just shocked.”   
  
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to be upset.” Hanbin still isn’t entirely comfortable with Jinhwan’s response, but he knows that he did just totally blindside him.   
  
Jinhwan finally feels like he’s getting over the surprise, and he pulls Hanbin’s hands into his lap, holding them tightly. “I promise you, I am not upset. You can like whoever you want to like, guy or girl, it’s not going to bother me. I just wasn’t expecting that, so you totally caught me off guard. I’m sorry if you thought I was upset. I love you, okay?”   
  
Hanbin’s shoulders drop along with the tension, and he squeezes Jinhwan’s fingers back. “I love you too, Nani.”   
  
Jinhwan smiles at him, happy that Hanbin has confided in him so soon. “So, Bobby. You kissed, but what’s happening?”   
  
“I don’t know yet, I wanted to talk to you first. After Seungjae, I couldn’t keep this to myself.”   
  
Jinhwan’s pleased at Hanbin’s responsible approach to it. “I appreciate that. But I also know that you’re more responsible than Seungjae. I don’t want you to give something up when you clearly need it.”   
  
“Thanks, hyung. I don’t know what’s going to happen, though. He lives in the US, so I guess maybe I shouldn’t expect much. He’ll probably be moving back after the show.”   
  
“That’s true. I don’t want you to get hurt, Bin-ah.”   
  
Hanbin smiles at him, and he can’t help but think that maybe this is exactly what they need, he and Jinhwan. It’s Jinhwan’s chance to really play the hyung role for him, to look out for him and stick his nose all in his business, and for once Hanbin will gladly let him do it. “I’ll be okay, whatever happens. Bobby won’t hurt me, I know that.”   
  
“But him moving back to the US probably would,” Jinhwan replies, “but it would be good inspiration.” He grins at Hanbin, who laughs at him.   
  
“Are you saying you hope I get my heart broken?”   
  
Jinhwan grins back. “No! But if you did I bet you’d write great songs about it.” He lays back down and tugs on Hanbin to lay beside him. “Thank you for telling me about Bobby.”   
  
“Thank you for being okay with it.” Hanbin burrows into Jinhwan’s side, doubly happy that Jinhwan doesn’t feel weird about him being clingy now that he know that he also likes guys.   
  
Jinhwan smiles and wraps his arms around Hanbin’s back. “I give you my permission to kiss him again,” Jinhwan teases, “only as long as you’re smart about it.”   
  
“I will be, I promise.” Hanbin closes his eyes again, feeling a little more at ease now. They still have a ton of hurdles ahead of them, but this is a much needed plateau at the moment they can rest on.   
  
“Let’s keep all of this to us for the time being, okay? Everyone else knows you’re just friends with Bobby, there’s no need for them to know about the kissing. Just until we sort things out.”   
  
“Don’t worry, I don’t want this to get out at all, not after Seungjae.” He’s not sure if anything will even happen, he and Bobby need to talk about it. But knowing that he can talk to Jinhwan about it if needed is enough to make everything okay.   
  


* * *

  
Hanbin’s been in his tiny studio at the training centre for the past few hours, trying to get all the things floating around in his head out on paper. It’s weird, to feel pulled in so many different directions. He wants to write out his hurt and anger at Seungjae, but he also wants to write a cheesy love song about his first kiss. But he’s also jotted down a few lines about his burdens as a leader, of wanting to protect everyone else.   
  
It’s helping, to put things to paper. But things are still eating him up inside anyway. They probably will be for a long time.   
  
He hasn’t talked to Tablo and Wu yet about Show Me The Money, though he should do that soon. He hopes that his self-sacrifice means that Woosung will be able to come back for a round. Of course, he’s also afraid about Woosung coming back, because he hasn’t heard from him and he knows that Woosung had formed a friendship with Seungjae. What if Woosung will come back and trash him? Hanbin won’t even be able to respond to it.   
  
And then, of course, there’s Jiyong. This is his one chance to do a track with him. Is he really going to give that up? He knows it’s the right thing to do, but he selfishly wants to do the song anyway. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to write the kind of lyrics he needs for it, but he still wants to try.   
  
He’s surprised when his door opens and in walks the very person in his thoughts.   
  
“Hyung!” Hanbin swivels around so fast he nearly topples out of his chair.   
  
Jiyong laughs at him. “Are you okay?”   
  
Hanbin grins sheepishly at him and stands up. “Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting you.” He stands in front of him and just stares at him, wondering what Jiyong is doing here. He hasn’t seen him in the training centre since last year, when they’d been paired with him on WIN. The memories of that feel like a roundhouse kick to the face, and he bites the inside of his cheek. Those were both happier times, but worse times as well.   
  
Jiyong walks towards him and pulls him into a hug. “I wanted to come and check on you, given the whole Seungjae scenario.”   
  
Hanbin decides to abandon all semblances of pride. He throws his arms around Jiyong, hugging him tightly. He’s touched Jiyong has come here to see him, but in the back of his mind he wonders if Jiyong is here to talk about their song. Because Jiyong knows, like he knows, how important it is to put the company first at times like this.   
  
“You wanna go for a drive and talk? Just the two of us, no managers.” Jiyong asks him, and Hanbin is surprised at the offer.   
  
“I’d really appreciate that, hyung.” He blinks the tears out of his eyes. Jiyong pats his back a few times before letting go of him.   
  
“Alright, you need to save anything before we go?” Hanbin shakes his head no, because he’s a stickler for constantly saving his work every ten seconds. He grabs his phone and follows Jiyong outside, to where his black Lamborghini is sitting at the curb. Hanbin can’t help but grin at the juxtaposition of them having what’s going to be a deep conversation inside such a ridiculous car.   
  
He happily gets in, though. Jiyong slides into the drivers’ seat and revs the car engine. Hanbin jumps a little at how loud it is, looking at Jiyong and laughing when he sees him grinning. Jiyong pulls away into traffic and Hanbin can’t believe he’s actually going for a drive with Jiyong. In his car, with no one else around.   
  
It would piss Seungjae off so much, and the thought makes Hanbin smile.   
  
Jiyong puts some music on, something chill and downtempo that Hanbin doesn’t know, but it’s a good sound for the moment. Jiyong navigates his way around the city, finally merging onto a highway. Hanbin has no idea where they’re going, but he’s happier for it. It’s not often that he finds himself in a place that’s unfamiliar, but he craves it often.   
  
They drive until they’re out of the city and Hanbin happily watches the world outside zip by through the dark tinted windows. He knows it’s bright outside, knows that the sky is a beautiful shade of blue. But everything looks darker through the windows. It feels like there’s some kind of a lesson there, but he ignores it for now.   
  
He’s not sure how long Jiyong drives for, but they’re both quiet during the drive, and even though they’re supposed to be talking, Hanbin isn’t in a rush. Jiyong clearly has some place he’s taking him. Hanbin is content to let him set their pace.   
  
Eventually they arrive at a small little village, but Jiyong doesn’t drive into it. Instead he drives up to the top of a hill that overlooks the place and parks his car on a bit of grass to the side of the road. He cuts the engine and looks over at Hanbin.   
  
“Let’s go sit outside.”   
  
Hanbin’s surprised by the instruction but he does as he’s told, squinting against the bright sun when he gets out of the car. He looks at the Lamborghini and feels like laughing again. It’s such an extravagant and ridiculous car, but it suits Jiyong perfectly. He looks out over the village below, surprised when he sees unusually colourful houses.   
  
Jiyong sits down in the grass near the edge of the hill and Hanbin joins him.   
  
“Have you ever been here before? It’s a French-inspired village, called Provence.”   
  
“No, but it’s really pretty. It looks kind of familiar though.”   
  
“They shoot a lot of TV shows here, so that’s probably where you’ve seen it.”   
  
“Right, must be. Have you ever gone down there and walked around?” Hanbin asks, wondering why they’re parked so far away.   
  
“I did once,” Jiyong replies, “I got mobbed though. Not really looking for that today.” He grins back at Hanbin, who’s grateful for that decision. It must be weird, sad as well, to not even be able to enjoy something as simple as walking down the street without being followed by groups of people. He wonders if he’ll ever get that famous one day?   
  
“So, how are you doing? I’m sorry to hear about the whole situation with Seungjae. I can’t imagine how much that’s got to hurt.”   
  
Hanbin isn’t sure how to respond, because he’s not entirely sure how he’s doing. “It feels surreal, actually. Like it’s one big dream, or a prank or something. I have a hard time believing it’s real. I wake up in the morning and look at his empty bed and can’t believe it actually happened. But then I feel bad too, because it happened right under my nose. I feel disappointed in myself for not knowing something was going on with him.”   
  
“I know how that feels, and it sucks,” Jiyong replies, “people can say what they want, they can come up with all the excuses, but at the end of the day it comes down to that truth. You should have known something was going on. No amount of people telling you it’s okay that you didn’t won’t make it untrue.”   
  
Hanbin nods, and it feels oddly relieving to hear that from Jiyong. To hear that he should have done more. Other people won’t understand, because they’re not leaders. Hanbin wonders if Yang would have criticized him more had he not known about his dad? Because even though Yang hasn’t said that it was his fault for not knowing, Hanbin is pretty sure he’s thinking it. Not necessarily to say  _ you failed in your duties _ , but maybe to say  _ be more on top of things from now on _ .   
  
And he would be right. It’s one of the ugly responsibilities that come from his role. There’s a time to be a friend to your members, and there’s a time to not be a friend. Hanbin had always prioritized being Seungjae’s friend over being his leader. That was his error.   
  
“Hyung, I’ve been thinking, about everything that’s going on. As much as I really wanted to work with you, and it kills me to say this, I think the right thing for me to do is to pull out of Show Me The Money.” Hanbin decides to just jump into the meat of the situation. It’ll drive him crazy, waiting for Jiyong to bring it up.   
  
“You’re right, unfortunately.” Jiyong looks at him with a sympathetic expression. “It would look bad on both of us to just sweep this under the rug. If it were just him getting cut for his attitude, that would be one thing. But those pictures are damning, especially the drug ones.”   
  
“I haven’t looked at those,” Hanbin replies, “I don’t want to see him like that in my memory.”   
  
“That’s smart. It’s stupid that something so inconsequential could have such a big effect.”   
  
Hanbin looks at him in surprise. “I wouldn’t say drugs are inconsequential, hyung. That was serious.”   
  
Jiyong grins back at him in that annoying sort of way that adults do when they know something you don’t know. “Don’t think that I’m encouraging you to do anything, but honestly this country’s views on weed are a little excessive. If he were doing something harder, like cocaine, okay, that’s serious, especially at his age. But smoking a joint really isn’t anything to get upset over.”   
  
Hanbin frowns, wondering why Jiyong’s saying it—only to remember his drug controversy in Japan a few years ago. His cheeks flush in embarrassment and he looks away. “Ah, I’m sorry, I wasn’t saying that anyone who’s done it is bad.”   
  
“Don’t worry, I don’t think you are,” Jiyong replies, reaching out to pat his back, “and you’re allowed to have your own opinion about it. Don’t let me tell you how to feel. But, on the other hand, don’t believe things you’re told without looking into it yourself. It can’t be that bad of a drug if countries are legalizing it.”   
  
“I guess not.”   
  
“Having said that, it’s not worth the risk of trying anything. I still get death threats from people over what happened. I don’t want anything like that to happen to you, and if you and I were to do that collaboration right now, I worry that people would make up stories about you, and I can’t let that happen. You have too much potential for it to be sullied by things that are out of your control.”   
  
Hanbin feels a rush of gratitude to Jiyong, but he also feels sorry to hear that one moment still follows him around, causes him grief after all this time.   
  
“So what are they doing with your show? You guys filmed so much already.”   
  
Hanbin shrugs, because he’s not sure. “We’ve technically put a halt to filming, even though the cameras are still everywhere. It makes me feel uneasy. Like, whenever they decide what we’re going to do, what if they use footage of us reacting to it? Everyone’s still hurting, you know? Sometimes I go and sleep with Jinhwan hyung because we’re both having such a tough time coping with him being gone. What if stuff like that gets put on the show? That’s what concerns me now.”   
  
“Yeah, this company sure likes to exploit the grief of its artists,” Jiyong replies with a touch of bitterness in his voice, “but unfortunately grief sells, and it gets attention. It’s hard to stomach, but it’s reality.”   
  
Hanbin nods, and he knows Jiyong is speaking the truth. “I’m worried about what they’re going to do with the team. I can’t do this group as the only rapper, we need a second. None of the other trainees are anywhere near ready, though. Especially not to come in as a guaranteed member. That wouldn’t be fair to the other six.”   
  
“No, it wouldn’t. It also wouldn’t be fair to you. You worked so hard for this, you deserve to have someone who can match you on stage. Not someone thrown in to fill a gap. No one on the C team is in your league. I don’t know what they’re going to do. Probably have to look outside the company.”   
  
“Jinhwan and I were talking last night, worried that maybe they might decide to just break us up. Like make them a vocals-only group, and debut me as a solo instead.” He’s terrified of that happening, but it seems like the most likely answer at this point.   
  
“Yeah that’s honestly a possibility,” Jiyong replies, “but even if he did that, the group would get delayed for sure. I don’t think they’re ready to do vocals-only, they’d need more training to figure out a sound.”   
  
“I’d still write for them,” Hanbin says, “I told Jinan that, promised him. I won’t let anyone else write for them, because no one else knows them as well as I do. They’re my responsibility. They’ll always be my responsibility, even if we get split up.”   
  
Jiyong smiles at his declaration. “That’s why you’re the leader, Hanbin. And a good one, at that. Don’t lose that.”   
  
Hanbin smiles back at him and feels good for hearing the compliment. It’s important for him to hear that now, given how out of sorts he’s been feeling about what happened with Seungjae. He needs to know that he’s still doing a good job.   
  
They don’t talk much after that, just sit together and stare out over the colourful houses below and enjoy the warmth of the sun. Hanbin’s grateful for the break. He needed to come out here, needed to hear everything Jiyong had to say.   
  


* * *

  
“So, have you heard about Hanbin?”   
  
Bobby shifts in bed at Woosung’s question, curious what there is to hear. “What about him?”   
  
“He’s pulling out of the show,” Woosung answers, “I got a call from Tablo hyung today. They need me to come back on the show in his place.”   
  
Bobby feels crushed. Why is he hearing this from Woosung, and not from Hanbin? He tries to keep the hurt out of his voice as he replies. “Shit, I didn’t know that. Did they say why?”   
  
“Isn’t it obvious? Given what’s going on with Seungjae, it’ll look bad on the company to keep Hanbin on the show. They’re probably trying to keep him out of the public at all, I’m guessing.”   
  
Bobby has been worried about this ever since that night he’d picked Hanbin up. But he hasn’t asked, figuring that Hanbin would let him know any updates himself. It hurts to be hearing it from someone else. He’s not surprised by the news, even though he wishes it weren’t true. “Have you talked to Hanbin about it?” Bobby knows that Woosung is friends with Seungjae, and he’s curious about whose side he’d take.   
  
“No, it was just Tablo. I texted Hanbin but he hasn’t texted me back. I hope he’s there when I go in, though. I want to talk to him, get his take on it. I’ve heard Seungjae’s, and it feels weird, only knowing one side.”   
  
“Yeah well, Seungjae’s version is probably skewed,” Bobby replies, and he can’t help but feel protective of Hanbin.   
  
“I know, I’m not saying I believe everything he told me. Probably trying to save face, you know? Besides, Hanbin doesn’t strike me as the type of person to put himself above his team, not the way Seungjae said he did. He seems like the kind of guy who’d sacrifice everything for them instead. But still, I’m just curious.”   
  
Bobby feels better for hearing him say it, but he’s also nervous. He likes Woosung, but he has a habit of blurting out everything he’s thinking without regard to how the other person might feel. He doesn’t want him to make Hanbin feel bad.   
  
“Anyway, so I’m going in to see Tablo and Wu tomorrow, we don’t have much time to do my song, after all. Luckily I worked on something for it anyway, you know, following along at home.” Woosung joked, and Bobby is glad to hear that too.   
  
“Good of you to be prepared. Just be nice to Hanbin if you see him, okay? This whole thing’s been really hard on him.”   
  
Woosung snickers on the other end of the line. “Why are you being so protective? What do you think I’m going to do, be mean to him and tell him I believe Seungjae? Come on, hyung. I’m not that kind of guy.”   
  
Bobby smiles and feels a little guilty for worrying about it. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that, I’ve talked to Hanbin, and he’s really having a hard time. I’m just worried about him.”   
  
“It’s cute that you guys talk so much,” Woosung teases, “I promise I’ll be extra nice.”   
  
“Thanks.” They talk for another few minutes before Woosung says he has to go, and Bobby lays in bed for a bit, thinking about Hanbin. Contemplating calling him.   
  
Why didn’t Hanbin tell him? That’s what’s bothering him the most. Was he banned from telling anyone? Bobby hopes that’s the case. Because if Hanbin just didn’t bother telling him something so important… There’s no sense in worrying about it without knowing.   
  
Bobby dials Hanbin’s number, hoping he’ll pick up. Hanbin usually stays up late. It rings three times before Hanbin answers.   
  
“Hey hyung.” Hanbin sounds tired, and Bobby’s protective instincts kick in again.   
  
“Hey, how are you?”   
  
“I’m okay,” Hanbin replies, and there’s a few seconds of silence that feel way too tense to Bobby, and he was hoping to let Hanbin break the news, but he can’t handle how quiet it is.   
  
“I just talked to Woosung.”   
  
Hanbin sighs into the phone, like he’s tired of the topic. “Did he tell you the news?”   
  
Bobby wasn’t sure if Hanbin would bring it up, and he almost feels bad for asking. But they’re close now, really close, and Bobby can’t help but still feel slighted. He should be the person Hanbin talks to about upsetting things now, shouldn’t he?   
  
“Yeah, he told me you’re pulling out of the show.”   
  
Hanbin’s quiet for a moment before replying. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I meant to, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I’ve just talked about it too much after the past two days, it’s upsetting to think about it.”   
  
Bobby feels guilty right away. “Hanbin, I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”   
  
“No, it’s okay. I just wish I could see you instead. I miss you.”   
  
Bobby’s taken aback at the sudden admission, but he breaks into a smile. “I miss you too. Wish I could sneak you out and bring you over here for the night.”   
  
“I’d love that. I want to fall asleep next to you again, I slept so well the last time.”   
  
All the hurt he’d just been feeling over Hanbin’s failure to tell him about Show Me The Money vanishes now that they’re talking about this, and Bobby lays on his side, his phone cradled to his ear, thinking about how nice it would be if Hanbin were next to him right now.   
  
“Are you able to get out to see me? Not right now, of course, it’s so late. But tomorrow? I don’t know what your schedule is like.”   
  
“I don’t know,” Hanbin replies, “we’re kind of in a weird place right now, but maybe I can slip out to see you.”   
  
“Or I could come see you?” Bobby offers, “wherever you need me to go. My aunt’s not opening until dinner tomorrow, if you’re free earlier?”   
  
“Well, Tablo hyung wants me to see Woosung when he comes in tomorrow, but that’s earlier in the day. Maybe after that? Actually, can you meet me at YG? I’ll send you the address. There’s a place we can go nearby, it’s still out in the open, but, no one will really look for us there.”   
  
Bobby smiles at the idea of going out to meet Hanbin again. He hasn’t seen him since the morning when they drove him back, and it’s been killing him. “Yeah sure I’ll come by! Text me the address and the time.”   
  
“I don’t know if we’ll be able to kiss, or anything.”   
  
“That’s okay,” Bobby replies, and he knows he’s blushing at the mention of them kissing and he feels kind of dorky about it but he’ll berate himself for it later,  “I just want to see you. I can hug you, right?”   
  
“Yeah,” Hanbin replies, his voice taking on a happier tone, “you can always hug me.”   
  


* * *

  
Hanbin is still a little unsure of this, but he has a hard time saying no to Tablo. He stands outside of the door to the studio for a moment, steeling himself for a potential frosty welcome. He’s not sure why he assumes Woosung is going to be against him, maybe just leftover insecurity about Seungjae being more of a people person than he ever was.   
  
He finally enters the room and is surprised when Woosung immediately jumps out of his chair and greets him at the door, throwing arms around him for a tight hug that takes Hanbin’s breath away.   
  
“Hey bro,” Woosung greets, “sorry about all the shit you’re going through. You holding up okay? How come you never answered my text? Been worried about you.”   
  
Hanbin’s touched by the greeting, and he feels bad for assuming worse. Woosung’s concern is honest, not fabricated, and Hanbin is grateful to him for it. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you.”   
  
“It’s okay, don’t worry. Before we get into anything else, I’ve talked to Seungjae, he told me his version of everything. I know it’s just one-sided, though, so don’t think that I’m on his side, or anything. Whatever happened is between the two of you, it doesn’t concern me. Even so I don’t think what he’s told me is all that accurate, given what I know of you. But we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”   
  
Hanbin feels an overwhelming rush of gratitude towards Woosung. “Thanks. That means a lot to me.” He hugs him back, grinning stupidly when he looks past Woosung to see Tablo watching them with a fond smile. Wu has his back turned, probably trying to give them a bit of privacy. Hanbin almost feels like he’s filming a stupid drama.   
  
They pull apart and Woosung is still all smiles. “Let’s keep in touch, okay? I respect that you think you’re shit at making and maintaining friendships, but I’m a stubborn guy, and I want to be your friend. So you don’t really have a choice, okay? Don’t ignore my texts anymore.”   
  
Hanbin grins at him. “I won’t, I promise.”   
  
“Good. Now, you feel like hanging out and helping me figure out my track?”   
  
Hanbin feels even more touched by that, and he accepts the offer. It still stings that he can’t do his own song, but it’s nice to sit with Woosung and work on his. It’s just enough of a departure from all the shit going on with his life right now.   
  


* * *

  
Just after they break for lunch, Hanbin tells the three of them that he’s got work of his own to do, and he leaves them on a happy note, once again promising Woosung he’ll actually reply to his texts when he gets them. Then he manages to slip away outside without anyone noticing.   
  
He meets Bobby in the convenience store across the street, as instructed, and they buy a few snacks before Hanbin takes him over to the building down the road, to Hayi’s little secret rooftop spot. Bobby follows him up the stairs, doesn’t even ask where they’re going. Hanbin forgoes the scattered chairs and instead sits down on the roof, behind a big metal compartment that houses the building’s air conditioning system. It mostly blocks them from view of the YG building.   
  
It’s not ideal, but it’s the best they can get at the moment. Hanbin looks at Bobby next to him and can’t help himself from giving him a quick kiss. Bobby reciprocates happily but it doesn’t last long, because both of them are still just a little paranoid about being out in the open.   
  
They sit back then, arms and legs touching, and go through their bag of snacks.   
  
“How did it go with Woosung?” Bobby asks, his heart pumped up just by being around Hanbin.   
  
“Really good, actually. He was happy to see me, asked me to stay and help him with his track. It was nice. We had lunch together, the four of us, that was cool. It was nice to do something outside of my group, you know? Just escaping for a few hours.”   
  
“I could imagine, you guys must be stressed out. Any news on what’s going to happen without him?” Bobby puts his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders, smiling when Hanbin leans against him.   
  
“Not really. The debate’s still ongoing. They want to try and find a replacement for Seungjae, but that won’t be easy. None of our rap trainees are good enough to join my team, so they’ll probably look at trying to buy off someone from a smaller company.”   
  
“Ah right, a hidden gem somewhere out there.” Bobby knows that has to be tough on Hanbin, to think about adding someone completely unknown to his group.   
  
“But who knows how long that’ll take, or if they’ll even find someone. I keep worrying that they might split me from the group. Make me go solo instead.”   
  
Bobby perks up at that. “Well, that wouldn’t be so bad, right? You could do your own thing, you’re really good.”   
  
Hanbin shrugs. “Thanks, but that’s easier said than done. I’ve only ever trained with the intention of debuting in a group. I don’t really want to be a solo artist. I mean I like having solo performances, and I want a solo album one day, but I need my group. I like being in a group, even if I have to do things I don’t always want to do. It’s lonely being a solo artist.”   
  
Bobby hasn’t thought about that, too excited over the idea of Hanbin making more music for himself. “Ah, you’re right. I didn’t think about that side of it.”   
  
“I don’t want to leave them, either. They’re not ready to debut on their own without rappers, I don’t think. There’s a difference between being vocalists in a hip hop group, and being a purely vocal group. Jinhwan would probably be okay, Junhoe would be okay, but I worry about the others. I’ve never really pushed them hard enough on their own, because they were always going to have smaller parts in the songs. They’re ready for that, but not more. Not yet, anyway. And we were supposed to debut soon, we finally had a group name, a proper one. I don’t want to lose that now that it’s so close. I don’t want them to have to be delayed again. It’s too much after last year.” Maybe he shouldn’t be saying so much to Bobby, because Bobby still doesn’t even know about Mix & Match. But Hanbin feels like he needs to unload a little more, and Bobby has been trustworthy so far.   
  
Bobby listens in awed silence, his respect for Hanbin constantly growing. “You care about them so much,” he says, “they’re really lucky to have you.”   
  
Hanbin looks up at him with a bright smile. “You think so?”   
  
“Yeah I do! I feel like you’d be successful on your own, but you care about them more than you care about your own personal success. Not everyone would be that selfless.”   
  
Hanbin smiles and kisses him suddenly, nothing more than a light peck. “Thanks for saying that, it means a lot to hear it from someone who’s not privy to everything that goes on.”   
  
Bobby’s pleased that his comments seem to make Hanbin really happy to hear, and he hopes that Hanbin gets the same compliments from the people he works with. They switch topics to music next, and Bobby’s surprised when Hanbin pulls out his phone and starts playing him a few songs he’s been working on for his group.   
  
Bobby’s blown away by the details Hanbin thinks about, by the way he describes how each part of his song is for a certain member, the way he decides who should sing what. He puts so much thought into it, so much effort, that Bobby can’t help but feel intimidated by him. Hanbin really is an impressive musician, and Bobby wonders how much he’d learn if he ever worked with him.   
  
But he also can’t help but think about how much fun Hanbin makes the group thing sound. He intersperses his song reveals with funny anecdotes about the members, tells him stories about them all, and Bobby is surprised by how envious he feels. He knows they all work hard, he saw that much from watching WIN. It’s torture at times, he’s sure, but they have each other, and they have a leader that loves them more than anything else.   
  
He never thought it would have been possible, not after watching the show, but Bobby actually feels jealous of them, the more he listens to Hanbin. He feels jealous of the members who work with him, and he feels angry that Seungjae willingly threw it all away.   
  
Hanbin deserves to have someone in his team who truly appreciates him, and Bobby hopes his company finds him someone. But he also can’t help but feel just a little jealous of whoever it is they’ll find. That guy had better kiss Hanbin’s feet on a daily basis. He’d better talk him up and make Hanbin feel like the greatest person in the world.   
  
It’s what Hanbin deserves.


	12. Semi-Final & The Possible Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby prepares for the semi-final against Vasco and then looks for advice about a future in the music industry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update this! Kinda fell off and have been working on other stories. But I should hopefully be able to get the final chapter done soon! :)

The semi-final looms over Bobby’s head like a dark cloud, memories of losing to Vasco earlier in the program fresh in his thoughts. It’s a constant distraction when he’s at work, to the point that his aunt notices. He feels sorry to her, but his whole life is hanging on this program, on whether or not he can jump the hurdle this time or if he’ll crash again.  
  
He has a late-night Skype session with Robbie, and his fresh take on Bobby’s Korean raps are much needed. Robbie has always been his greatest hype man, and Bobby is too nervous to hype himself right now. Robbie asks him about friends he’s making, and Bobby contemplates telling him about Hanbin. Of course he’s told him that he’s become friends with him, but they’re not exactly just friends anymore, and that’s the part that Bobby’s keeping to himself.  
  
Maybe Robbie can tell, though, because every time Bobby brings Hanbin up, his best friend gets that amused smirk on his face.  
  
“What?” Bobby asks after seeing it appear again. It feels like Robbie’s laughing at him.  
  
“Nothing,” Robbie replies, “I’m just not used to seeing you look like that when you talk about someone.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Bobby asks, panicking a little.  
  
“Like a huge fuckin’ dork,” Robbie replies, “seriously bro, every time you say his name you get this dumb little grin, like you can’t believe that someone so amazing exists and talks to you.”  
  
Bobby’s sure the comment makes him blush, because on one hand to be called out so openly is embarrassing. But on the other hand—it’s true.  
  
“Does Hanbin know you think so highly of him?” Robbie asks with a grin, and Bobby’s sure then that Robbie knows. They’ve been friends for too long, Robbie would be able to spot the difference in him.  
  
Still, it’s weird to admit it out loud. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he knows.” That’s as close to a confession as Bobby’s willing to give right now. Robbie just grins and they go back to discussing his lyrics and his beats, and nothing more is said about Hanbin.  
  


* * *

  
The semi-final comes and goes in a rush, and Bobby’s never felt more nervous than he feels standing there at the end, because of course they’ve left his battle til last. It’s because of Vasco, he knows that. He feels a weird sense of finality while they wait, but most surprising is that he thinks that he might actually beat him this time. His stage earlier was definitely his most popular yet, he could tell by the audience reaction. Of course it helped to have Dok2 and The Quiett performing with him, in all their Illionaire excess. He enjoyed the stage, and they had nothing but compliments for him after, and it was easy to get caught up in their expectations.  
  
But as he stands on stage beside Vasco, his mentors flanking him, waiting, he keeps repeating a silent prayer in his head. He needs this victory, he needs the final. His eyes dart up to the top section, to the face he can barely make out behind the mask and low-slung snapback.  
  
Hanbin surprised him by showing up in secret. If anyone asked, he was there to support Woosung taking his place. And as much as Hanbin did show up to support Woosung, he’d also come to support Bobby, and the gesture is appreciated. He looks up at Hanbin, who’s come out from the back area to watch the results.  
  
Finally they reveal the numbers and Bobby looks up at the screen, expecting yet not expecting the result, his brain buzzing so hard he can barely comprehend what he’s seeing.  
  
Victory. He made it to the final.  
  
Full of pride and hope for the future he gives a tearful victory speech, saying as always that he’s doing this for his family. Even though he hasn’t spoken to them about it yet, he blurts out the thought that’s been on his mind lately. That when he wins he’s going to use his prize money to move his family back to Korea. Because he has a reason to stay, now. Not just the potential of a career in the industry, but something more. Something personal.  
  
Someone.  
  
The victory is bittersweet though, because Woosung doesn’t make it. It was a close battle but he lost out to C Jamm in the end, and when Bobby gets the chance to talk to him later Woosung’s all smiles, happy to have come back for one more stage. The three of them go for dinner after the taping, a late-night affair at his aunt’s restaurant.  
  
With Woosung’s help they manage to surprise Hanbin by having his members show up to join them, all seven of them, and they spend hours there, eating and talking and enjoying each other’s company. Bobby notices that even his aunt is in great spirits, and she hovers around them all night, happy to have so many grateful kids to take care of.  
  
Bobby spends the night glued to Hanbin’s side, and he doesn’t know if Hanbin has told them yet, but he thinks that even if he hasn’t it must be obvious to them all what’s going on between the two of them. Hanbin is super touchy the entire night, always with his hands on some part of Bobby. But he notices that it’s not just himself—Hanbin’s touchy with everyone. Jinhwan, the eldest, sits on Hanbin’s other side, and Bobby notices that Hanbin seems to constantly have one hand on him, and one hand on Jinhwan.  
  
It’s cute.  
  
But when Hanbin goes to the bathroom Jinhwan is quick to scoot into his chair, getting close to Bobby.  
  
“I didn’t want to say this in front of him,” Jinhwan starts, “and I don’t know if you know, but you’re actually Hanbin’s first friend outside of the company.”  
  
Bobby hadn’t known that, though he could have guessed. “Yeah he told me he’s not really good with new people.”  
  
“He’s not lying,” Jinhwan replies with a grin, “he’s probably the shyest person I know, despite his charismatic stage presence. So I just wanted to say thank you, for taking care of him so well and making him feel comfortable. You were there for him when he needed you, and I’ll always be grateful to you for that.”  
  
Bobby feels exceptionally touched by the comment, and he can see the concern Jinhwan has for Hanbin in his expression. “I’m sorry things have been so rough for you guys,” Bobby replies, “and thank you for trusting me with Hanbin. I know the two of you are really close.”  
  
Jinhwan nods, and he looks a little misty eyed. “We joined YG on the same day, you know, me and Hanbin and Seungjae. It’s been really tough after what happened, but we’re trying to get through it. Your timing has honestly been perfect, because I know if Hanbin didn’t have you, he’d be even more of a wreck than he’s been. So again, thank you for taking care of him. He deserves all the best things in the world, and the best people. I’m glad we’re getting to know you a bit more tonight, it makes me feel better about the two of you.”  
  
There it is—Jinhwan must know about them. Their eyes fix on each other for a few seconds and Bobby wants to blurt out to Jinhwan just how much he cares about Hanbin, but he’s mindful that while Jinhwan must know, the others might not.  
  
Jinhwan reaches out to take his hand, squeezing it tightly before sliding back to his own seat, and seconds later Hanbin is back, and Bobby feels a renewed sense of importance in their relationship. It’s funny what the approval of a stranger does sometimes.  
  
They finally leave at three in the morning, and Bobby isn’t surprised when Jinhwan corrals the others out to the waiting van, telling Hanbin to take his time. They’re even dropping Woosung off, so suddenly Bobby’s alone with Hanbin, and Hanbin doesn’t waste any time before he’s got Bobby’s face in his hands and tongue in his mouth. It’s not desperate—just filled with a happy, content sort of longing. Bobby’s arms are tight around him and Hanbin wishes he could have longer, but he knows he’s lucky to even get this.  
  
And it’s enough, really. It’s enough right now, just to get to see him, to get to spend hours together, not just alone but with everyone he’s close to. With his friends.  
  
Bobby kisses him again and then kisses his forehead softly and walks him to the door. He stands in the doorway to watch as Hanbin climbs into the van, and it feels weird to watch all of them leave together. For a moment his brain feels confused, wondering why he’s not leaving with them too.  
  
The thought is interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, and Bobby turns to look at his aunt, and for a second he wonders if she saw the kiss? He hasn’t told her, doesn’t know what she’d think. But she smiles at him and tells him that she’s happy for him, that she watched them throughout the night, he and Hanbin, and that she can see how happy they both make each other. He doesn’t even have to confess because she knows, and she’s happy, and Bobby hugs her tightly, unable to speak his gratitude out loud for her support. He takes it as a sign, though. Everything is going to work out.  


* * *

  
“Hyung, I have a question and I want your honest answer.” Bobby’s been waiting for the right moment to ask all day, and he finally gets the sense that now is the time.  
  
Dok2 turns away from the computer to face him. “Hit me.”  
  
“Do you think I can make enough money to support my family moving back here? It’s my dream to move them back to Korea, but I want to have realistic expectations.” Even with the prize money going to them, Bobby knows it’s not really that much.  
  
Dok2 shrugs, taking his time before answering. “Honestly, it’s kind of a gamble with you starting out. It’s a tough industry, it takes time to really make any serious money. You’ve really grown in popularity, which is important, but you need more than just fans. You gotta do a lot of shows, get advertising deals if you can. I’ll help you out if you’re serious, but you gotta put in a ton of work to make sure it keeps up. No one’s here to babysit you and do everything for you, you gotta hustle on your own.”  
  
Bobby nods, and he’s glad to hear the truth and not just bullshit lip service. “I know if I win the money it’ll go a long way towards making their lives better, but I don’t want them to move back only to be in the exact same place they were in before they left, you know? I want them to live a good life, I don’t want ‘em to have to work. My dad works two jobs right now. I want him to retire so he can start painting again.”  
  
Dok2 smiles at him, a proud sort of smile. “You’re a good son, Bobby. Family’s really important to me, and I was right where you are when I was your age. It’s hard, I went through a lot of shit, but it’s worth it in the end. My family wants for nothing, and it’s a good feeling to know that I can give it to them. But a lot of my money came from songwriting credits, which I don’t know if you’re at that stage to get yet. So it’ll be harder for you.”  
  
Bobby nods, and that’s what he’s worried about. He wants to survive off music, but he just doesn’t know if it’s realistic. “You’re right, hyung, I’ve started working on stuff but I’m not at that level yet. That’s why I’m worried. Now that I started with music, I know there’s nothing else I want to do. So how do I get good enough to make a living at it? How do I support my family? It’s not just my parents, but my hyung, Jiun, I think he wants to propose to his girlfriend soon, and I want to give him money for a nice ring. But money only goes so far, and like, how do I prioritize what to do?”  
  
Dok2’s silent for a moment, and Bobby’s quiet while he waits for an answer. It’s nice to just get it off his chest, though. Dok2 understands what he’s going through because he’s been there himself. He’s an ideal person to learn from.  
  
“I can’t tell you what to do,” Dok2 says, “but I will say this. Sometimes, in order to get the things you want, you gotta do things that you don’t really wanna do. Sometimes you gotta look at places you wouldn’t normally think of looking. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for there.”  
  
Bobby thinks he knows what Dok2’s talking about, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud. It’s something he’s been thinking about at times, occasional fantasies that might never happen.  
  
But still. It’s a nice dream.  


* * *

  
“How’s Bobby doing with his track?” Tablo opens two beers—one for himself, and one for Joonkyung.  
  
“He’s doing good, hyung, the track’s fire. He’s really improved on his Korean a lot since we saw him back in LA.”  
  
Tablo nods and takes a sip of his bottle. “He’s really been working hard, you can hear it in his performances. He’s got such a great voice, he really stands out among a lot of the new kids.”  
  
Joonkyung smiles. “Yeah man does he ever! That’s what got me at first, you know? I remember hearing him back at the very first round, when San E was judging him. I had to know who that voice belonged to.”  
  
“It’s definitely the sort you sit up and pay attention to.”  
  
“I’m glad I pushed for him back in LA, I had a feeling he was worth it.”  
  
Tablo laughs at the comment. “No shit, huh? You guys would have been the first to go if you hadn’t had him.”  
  
Joonkyung grins back at him. “You know he’s got serious potential though if he won over Vasco. I honestly think he might take the final. The crowd’s really been feeling him lately.”  
  
“Yeah that wouldn’t surprise me. I’d like to see him win, actually. He seems like a sweet kid.”  
  
“He is, it’s not just for show. We were talking the other day about his family, he wanted my opinion about whether or not I think he could support them doing hip hop over here.”  
  
Tablo pauses as he’s about to take another sip, because the conversation has suddenly taken an interesting turn. Even with their history, he knows there’s a reason why Joonkyung asked him to meet up today. “What did you tell him?”  
  
“The truth,” Joonkyung replies, “that it depends on a lotta things, how many shows you do, if you get deals for shit, if he starts composing for other people. It’s tough to make any good money just starting out, you know that hyung. We can hook him up wit’ some shit, got some connections that could be good for him, but it only goes so far. He’s a good kid though, I wanna help him.”  
  
Tablo sets his beer down and wonders how long it’s going to take until they get to the topic he’s sure they’re here to discuss. “Yeah, he definitely has that sort of personality, like you see him smile one time and suddenly you wanna adopt him into your family.”  
  
Joonkyung laughs. “That’s accurate, hyung.” Things get silent for a moment, they both take sips of their beer, and after a moment Joonkyung speaks, like he’s finally reached a decision.  
  
“You guys find a replacement for Hanbin’s team yet, or are you still looking?”  
  
Bingo.  
  
“Why, you think you know someone?” Tablo teases.  
  
Joonkyung smiles back at him. “You know, Bobby talks about him a lot, I don’t think he realizes he does it.”  
  
Tablo is happy to hear it. While Hanbin doesn’t talk about Bobby, Tablo still knows that they’ve gotten close. Hanbin’s just better at guarding his secrets. Tablo thinks it’s the ingrained leader instincts. “Yeah, it’s nice to see Hanbin actually making a friend outside of the company. I thought that little dork would never talk to anyone.”  
  
Joonkyung smiles, because even though he hasn’t had that much interaction with Hanbin, he’s had enough to know that the charismatic attitude he has on stage isn’t what he’s really like off stage, and he’s always been shocked by how respectful and polite he is. “You think it’s weird if I suggest it to Bobby? You know my history, I’m always wary about getting involved with agencies. I know the shit YG has is on a different level, but still, agencies always come with problems. But if he wants good money, I can’t help but feel like that’s the direction I should point him in.”  
  
“It’s not weird at all,” Tablo replies, “he’s already got that connection with Hanbin, so it’s not like you’re sending him in blind with no one to take care of him. Hanbin’s probably the most self-sacrificing trainee I’ve ever met, he lives for his members. He’d do his best to protect Bobby.”  
  
“That makes me feel better,” Joonkyung says, “I feel like Bobby doesn’t really know much about any of this.”  
  
“No he definitely doesn’t,” Tablo says, “but even so, I think he’d have a good chance. Hyunsuk wants Hanbin’s group to be a touring group, since they’ve got such great stage presence already. Bobby’s got fantastic energy, so I know he’d easily fit in. If he manages to make music Hyunsuk likes as well, then he stands to make real money once they’re a year in.”  
  
Joonkyung nods. “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I actually ran into Jiyong this weekend at the club, asked him if he thought it would be worth it for someone coming in fresh like Bobby. Jiyong had a really high opinion of Hanbin too, so hearing this from both of you makes me feel better about it.”  
  
“So, do you think Bobby would go for it?”  
  
Joonkyung shrugs. “I don’t know, hyung. I think he’d definitely considerate it, just because it’s Hanbin’s team, and the promise of good money. But it would be a huge life change for him. Then again, I know he goes hard on stage, but that kid’s soft underneath it all. So I don’t think he’d have a huge problem doing some of the idol stuff. Just the hard work and constant training.”  
  
“So you want me to arrange a meeting for him?” Tablo asks, but Joonkyung shakes his head.  
  
“Let me talk to him first, feel him out a bit. I just wanted to get your opinion.”  
  
Tablo nods, but he’s going to talk to Hyunsuk anyway. Hanbin has confided in him that he’s concerned about finding a replacement that he’ll be able to work with, someone that will match him as well as Seungjae did.  
  
In Tablo’s opinion, he thinks Bobby might match him even better.  


* * *

  
There’s still two weeks before the final, and Bobby is at his aunt’s, waiting for his mother to come on-line so he can talk to her. He has something weighing on his mind that he needs to talk to her about, a very important decision to make that will drastically change his life, and he’s not sure what to do.  
  
Three hours ago he had a meeting with Yang Hyunsuk, CEO of YG Entertainment’s music division. Dok2 had come with him, a buffer who understands the music industry and agency contracts. Bobby’s beyond grateful to him for coming, because everything went over his head. He still can’t believe he actually had a meeting with an agency. Hanbin’s agency.  
  
Yang had offered him the opportunity for a contract. He’d explained that they were currently looking to sign a new rapper, one with amazing stage presence, who could write and self-produce.  
  
A second rapper for Hanbin’s team.  
  
Bobby’s not allowed to talk to Hanbin, though, because Yang hasn’t told him that he was making the offer. The CEO’s aware of their friendship and it was a big part of why Yang had brought him in for a talk. He stressed the importance of the second rapper needing to match Hanbin on-stage, someone whose charisma wouldn’t just get drowned out.  
  
Bobby’s surprised when Yang tells him that he’s reviewed his performances and he’s actually a fan. Yang thinks his energy is a perfect match for Hanbin’s team, and he likes the way Bobby interacts with the crowd.  
  
He promised that he’d still be able to work on solo music, but his priority would have to be on the team. It wasn’t just as simple as an offer, though—there were evaluations he’d have to pass. The one that worried Bobby the most was dancing. Hanbin’s group has amazing chemistry when they dance. He has no training whatsoever, but he has a pretty good sense of rhythm and he’s strong. Yang said they’d be willing to work on him if he’s willing to put in the effort.  
  
It's an overwhelming decision, though, and the sheer magnitude of the change it would have on his life has him continually second guessing the possibility. He’s really just afraid of getting too interested only to fail the evaluations. But Yang gave him a time limit, because they’re on a crunch with Hanbin’s team. Bobby knows about the show they were filming, and he knows that Yang wants an answer for the fans (and the investors) as soon as possible.  
  
So he’s given him a week to make up his mind. One week before the finale of Show Me The Money. He's already stressed enough with that, how can he possibly pile more on his own shoulders? But then he thinks about Hanbin, who’s been filming the show from the beginning, without anyone else knowing. Thinks about everything Hanbin has already given up, and he wonders why he can’t do the same?  
  
He has nothing else waiting for him back in Virginia. He has no plans for university, no thoughts about what else he might do with his life. But if he goes for it that means giving up a big chunk of his life, giving up his freedom. Hadn’t he watched WIN and felt relief that he’d never had to go through any of it? So why is he seriously thinking about it now? Is it just the money, the security for his family?  
  
Or is because of his own selfish interests? Is it because he’d get to be with Hanbin, twenty four hours a day?  
  
But what happens if he isn’t good enough? What if he passes the evaluation, but he can never quite catch up with the others? Will it drive a wedge in between them? Will he become a burden to Hanbin instead of a comfort?  
  
It's difficult when the person whose opinion he most wants is the only person he can’t talk to. He thinks back to that night at his aunt’s restaurant, with Hanbin and his whole team. They’re his potential team mates now. After only a few hours of meeting them he’d come to like them all, and Hanbin had told him that they’d all really liked him too. But meeting as a friend is different than working together, and living together. He’s used to cramped living quarters, at least. He and Jiun have been sharing a room for as long as he can remember. It won’t be that different.  
  
Yang hadn’t really said anything about money, but Dok2 had told him that the potential was there to make a lot. It would be more than enough to move his family back and take care of them for life. They might have to work for a year or two until the group started touring, but his dad wouldn’t have to work two jobs, at least. The company would cover all of his expenses, so any money he made he could give to his parents.  
  
It's tempting, but it’s still a lot to digest. Yang had told him that the group would have a hip hop concept, so it’s not like he’d have to do cheesy soft pop ballads. The opportunity would be there to do hype music, and he’d still be able to work on his solo stuff.  
  
It almost seems like it’s too good to be true, and after the meeting ended he’d gone back to Dok2’s studio and they’d spent an hour discussing everything. He’d told him if he wanted to make money for his family, this was his best option, and the quickest.  
  
All he has to do is make the decision. He’s pretty sure he’s going to go for the evaluations, at any rate, because if he doesn’t pass them then he’s freaking himself out over nothing.  


* * *

  
It’s been a week since Hanbin has heard anything about his group, and they’ve settled themselves back into a daily schedule of training. It’s the only thing they can do right now, continue where they were before Seungjae’s dismissal.

He throws himself into it, directing performances and writing new songs. He’s stubbornly continued to write two rap verses into each song, not willing to give up on the idea of finding a replacement. He’s playing the demo version for Jinhwan and Donghyuk. The others have already gone home, but the three of them have remained behind to go over some ideas for choreography, and now Hanbin’s playing them a few songs.

“Have you heard anything about finding a replacement?” Jinhwan asks him after they finish listening, and Hanbin shakes his head.

“Have you asked Bobby if he’d be interested, hyung?” Donghyuk innocently asks the question, and Hanbin swallows nervously. He’s been wondering if any of them would ask. He tries not to contemplate it, but every night when he attempts to fall asleep he can’t help but think of filling the void of Seungjae’s absence with Bobby. He’s not sure if Junhoe would be keen on sharing a room with the pair of them, but the bed is already there, right next to Hanbin’s.

He looks at Donghyuk and shakes his head. “I don’t think Bobby would be interested in being an idol. He’s too used to the freedom, you know?”

Donghyuk shrugs and grins at Jinhwan before returning his attention to Hanbin. “Yeah, but it can’t hurt to ask, right? We all really liked him when we met him.”  
  
Hanbin wishes he could tell Donghyuk to stop talking about it, because it hurts his heart so much to think that there’s a simple, easy way to have Bobby around all the time. But it’s just not realistic. Bobby isn’t used to life as a trainee, and he’d be so far behind them in terms of training. “I wish it could be that easy, Dong-ie.”

“You guys would make an amazing pair on stage together,” Jinhwan adds, and he wonders how often Hanbin thinks about the possibility.

Hanbin bites his lip. “Yeah, I know that. But he probably can’t dance. He’s never had training.”

“He could learn,” Donghyuk says, “Jinani hyung and I could take turns helping him so you don’t have to!”

“Might make it a little less awkward,” Jinhwan adds, watching Hanbin’s face.

Hanbin just nods. He wants it so bad, for Bobby to join his group. But he’s worried about what would happen if he did. Could Bobby take his direction and keep it impersonal? Or would he hurt his feelings, and fracture what they have?

“You could always ask Woosung instead,” Jinhwan jokes, and that at least makes Hanbin smile.


	13. Final Performances and Final Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby makes his choice, and he competes in the final against C Jamm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry but I had to add another chapter on to this because it started getting really long and I already made you guys wait long enough. Hoping to have the final chapter finished this weekend. :)

It’s three hours before Bobby is finally able to slide down onto the floor, laying on his back and panting. He feels something hit his arm and he tilts his head, eyes falling on a water bottle. He looks up to see Jaewook, YG’s resident choreographer, grinning down at him.

“Have a drink and then come over here and we’ll watch you.”

Bobby nods and reaches an exhausted arm across his chest to grope for the bottle. He just holds it for a moment against his neck, closing his eyes and trying to get his heart rate to calm down a little. He’s just finished a dance evaluation with Jaewook, his potential contract with YG hanging in the balance. He’s not sure what to expect. On one hand, he did much better than he expected to. It had been a little daunting at first, all the moves bombarding his brain. He somehow managed to pick them up and remember them, but all the same, he’s afraid of hearing what Jaewook has to say.

He slowly pushes himself up and uncaps the bottle, draining half in one go.

Is he really ready to do this full time? Is he physically able to do this full time? Three hours in and he already feels like he’s dying.

“Come on Bobby, get over here,” Jaewook calls to him, sitting on the bench across the room and watching him with a grin. Bobby grins back at him and somehow manages to push himself up to his feet. He collapses down next to Jaewook on the bench, eyes on the tablet Jaewook’s holding.

They watch the video of Bobby’s dancing, and it feels surreal to see himself on a screen doing those moves. Watching it gives him something of a second wind, because he’s shocked to see that he actually looks good. He doesn’t look like someone who’s being given a class for the first time. He might not look like a professional, but he looks good. The video ends and he turns to Jaewook, feeling a bit more confident.

Jaewook puts the tablet down and turns to face him. “How do you think you did?”

Bobby can’t help but feel nervous at the question. “I think I did okay for my first time, right?” He’s desperate to hear something positive.

“You think you did okay?” Jaewook repeats back at him, and the look on his face makes Bobby even more nervous. He bombed it, didn’t he?

Jaewook shakes his head and Bobby’s heart plummets straight into the floor. Had he really been that bad?

“I’ll give you my honest opinion,” Jaewook says, and Bobby isn’t sure he’s ready to hear it, isn’t sure he can handle the disappointment right now, “I don’t think you did okay.”

There it is. He’s blown his chance. It’s kind of funny, really, how he’s been totally undecided until right this second about whether or not he was actually going to go for it, but the second he’s told that he’s failed his brain decides that the only thing in the world he wants is to pass and join the group. How can he look Hanbin in the eye after this, knowing how close he was?

“I think you did really good. You far exceeded my expectations, to be honest. You picked the moves up faster than I thought you would, and you looked good for only three hours in.”

Bobby isn’t sure he’s heard him correctly. He looks at him with an open-mouthed expression, shocked at what he’s just said.

“So, I passed?” He asks, clutching the water bottle tightly.

Jaewook smiles back at him. “You passed. However I will say that while you’re good, you’re definitely not good enough to dance with the group yet.”

Bobby’s excitement dials back a little, but the important thing is that he passed the evaluation. That’s the beginning. “Do you think I’ll get good enough?”

Jaewook nods slowly. “Physically speaking, you have the necessary tools to get good enough. But it’s not just physical. You need the mental strength to get through this, you need to commit yourself to practicing twelve hours a day. It’ll be exhausting and you’ll probably feel like dying, but that’s the only way you’ll improve enough in time to be added.”

Bobby nods and feels nervous again. Twelve hour days of dance practice. He’s already dead after three. Can he go for that long? Is it possible?

“I’ve heard that you and Hanbin are friends, but I want to make sure that you’re aware of the type of leader he is.” That gets Bobby’s attention and he focuses back on Jaewook, who looks serious. “He’s very strict, Bobby. Hanbin is definitely one of the best trainees I’ve ever worked with, he’s honestly a machine when it comes to dance. He’s going to be on you like a hawk, critiquing everything you do. So you need to be ready for that, you need to take the criticism and not let it upset you.”

Bobby nods, not surprised at the warning. But Bobby knows Hanbin, he knows that what he wants is the best for his team. He won’t accept the group looking bad because of one person. It’s not personal, it’s just what a leader has to do. But even though he’s tough, Bobby’s seen for himself how much Hanbin’s members love him, he’s seen the fondness in all of their eyes when they look at each other. Hanbin might be tough, but it doesn’t seem like any of the others take it personally or hold a grudge against him.

Bobby’s certain he can do the same. He can handle Hanbin at his worst, because he’s seen him at his best, and he’s worth it.

* * *

Hanbin is feeling anxious on his way up to Yang’s office. He’s been called in for a meeting by himself to discuss the direction the company is going to be taking with his group. He’s nervous about it, because Yang hasn’t told him what the direction is. He’s terrified they’re going to go the vocal group split and that Hanbin will be left on his own.

He texts Bobby about it before leaving the training room, but so far Bobby hasn’t texted him back. Hanbin wishes he would, because he desperately needs something to calm his nerves.

The elevator ride up is horrible, he feels like throwing up. If they had found a replacement for Seungjae, wouldn’t Yang have told him? “Hey, we found someone for your group, want you to come give your opinion before we move forward.” Wouldn’t that have been the message? Not “We need to talk about your team.”

He steps out of the elevator and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Whatever is about to happen is going to happen, and it will be out of his hands. He’s admitted into YG’s office and it’s just himself and the CEO. He wishes his team were here, but at the same time he’s relieved they’re not.

Yang offers him a seat and Hanbin takes it and tries to relax. But he’s so nervous that his jaw is set tightly and his shoulders are squared. He’s expecting the worst.

“As you know, we’ve been looking for a replacement for your group,” Yang starts, and Hanbin nods but doesn’t speak, “we believe we’ve found one.”

Hanbin’s face goes suddenly slack with surprise. They found a replacement already? They found him a second rapper? As much as he knows that he needs it, he’s suddenly wary and concerned and feeling overly protective of his team. How can they just pick someone without consulting him? His team is in a delicate place right now.

Yang’s got a smile on his face, though, which is rare, and it makes Hanbin feel uneasy. Is it because Yang is relieved to have replaced Seungjae, who he never liked to begin with?

“I wanted to discuss it with you before introducing him to the other members.”

Before introducing him. So the decision has already been made? Does he even get a say? He nods and hopes he doesn’t look too upset. He’s supposed to want this. He’s supposed to be excited to find a second so his group can stay together.

“Hanbin-ah, you look a little upset,” Yang says teasingly, and Hanbin panics a little, his heart racing in his chest, “I understand this is a difficult situation for you. Despite my opinions of Seungjae, I know you were close, and I want you to know that I take that seriously. But I believe this decision will be for the best, and I believe you’ll agree with me once you meet him.”

Hanbin’s confused by the time Yang finishes, but he doesn’t have time to question anything because Yang’s calling for his secretary to let the new member in. Hanbin takes a deep breath to steel himself before turning to greet the new person, because he should be welcoming, shouldn’t he? He should be friendly, and he should be pleased.

But in the split second he has he can’t help but feel angry, and disappointed, and determined to not go easy on the new guy, to not help him out, to make him fight for his place, to make him work his ass twice as hard as even the newest guys, to put him at the bottom of the ladder, to make him question his right to even attempt to join the group. He’ll be polite, he’ll greet him nicely, but he’s not going to smile. He’s not going to put him at ease. He has to make this new guy walk on eggshells for the next few weeks.

But then he stands up and turns around and his breath catches in his throat. He feels like his heart is about to explode. He feels like there’s no way this can be real. There’s no way.

Because there, standing nervously before him, hands clasped behind his back, lips forming a hesitant smile, is Bobby.

Hanbin can’t do anything but stare, and it’s not until Bobby’s smile falters just a fraction that Hanbin breaks out of his shell shock and surges forward, wrapping tight arms around Bobby’s back. Bobby hugs him back and Hanbin can feel the tension releasing from Bobby’s frame, and they just hug each other for what must seem like an absurdly long time to Yang.

But Yang waits and when Hanbin finally turns to face him, Yang’s wearing a tight-lipped smile. Hanbin grins back at him and doesn’t even try to contain his joy.

“I take it then I thought right, did I?” Yang asks him, and Hanbin laughs before confirming it. “We’ve given Bobby a full evaluation before offering the contract, because you know that I value your group’s ability to perform at a high level. While he has some work to do on his level of dancing ability, Jaewook believes he will catch up quickly. And he needs to catch up, because we’ll be announcing him before the live shows for Mix & Match. He will be performing at those, and I expect him to be fully integrated into the group performance.”

Hanbin sobers up at that. It really doesn’t give them much time.

“I’ve explained to him already what I expect, and the level of work this will require. But this is not only on him, but also on you. This your group, Hanbin. You will personally ensure he is ready for those shows. If he’s lacking, that will be your fault.”

“Of course, sajangnim,” Hanbin replies, serious expression, “I’ll personally oversee it. I’ll make sure he’s ready.”

Yang nods and smiles finally. “I look forward to seeing your combination. Prepare a group performance for two weeks from now, and we’ll evaluate then.”

They don’t discuss much more after that, and Yang lets them go. Hanbin’s floating as they leave the office, and they’re still attached as they get into the elevator together.

Bobby stands next to Hanbin and all of the nerves and anxiety he’d been feeling are gone. For a split second he’d been afraid that Hanbin wasn’t happy with the decision, but when the shock passed Bobby had seen the excitement in his eyes before he’d lunged at him, arms tight around his back. That hug had taken all the tension from him.

Hanbin’s leaning against him now, arms around his back and head leaning against his shoulder, like he can’t stand on his own. Bobby thinks it’s cute.

“You okay?” He asks, and grins when Hanbin finally stands up straight.

“Yeah, I was just really nervous,” Hanbin replies, “I wasn’t even sure what the meeting was for. I still thought he might split my group up, and then he just says he’s got a new member for me, and I was actually angry that he hadn’t asked for my opinion.”

Bobby grins and tightens his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders. “I’m sorry I hid it from you, he wouldn’t let me say anything.”

Hanbin grins and looks at him. “I’ll remember that, by the way. Make you pay for keeping secrets.”

Bobby pouts but really, it’s fine. It still hasn’t settled in completely that it’s official. He’s here in the YGE building, on an elevator with Hanbin under his arm. They’re together, and they’re going to be together for the foreseeable future. It’s enough to make him smile and hug Hanbin tighter again.

“Hey, I should warn you,” Hanbin suddenly says, “I’m kind of a hardass on the group. I don’t want to blindside you during a practice.”

“I know,” Bobby replies with a smile, “Jaewook hyung told me when I had my dance eval with him. He said that you make the guys cry.”

“He said what?!” Hanbin exclaims, looking at him with a shocked expression.

Bobby grins back at him and winks. “I know how hard it’s gonna be, I watched your other program, watched it twice, actually. I know you’re tough, but I also know that the guys all still adore you anyway, so you can’t be that bad. And I know you only do it because you want everyone to look good. I also know that I’m going to be lagging behind at first, and it’s your job to make me better. So if you’re tough on me, it’s okay, because I know you when you’re not tough.”

“Are you sure you can handle that?” Hanbin asks, because suddenly he’s thinking about having to integrate someone into the group with even less dance training than the other new guys, “I mean, I have to be extra hard on you, because the other guys are all fighting for a spot and you’re being handed one, without all the years of training they’ve had.”

“I know.” Bobby answers, serious and respectful.

“It’s bound to make a lot of fans unhappy,” Hanbin goes on, “not just Seungjae’s fans, but everyone’s. You need to be ready for that backlash too.”

“I know,” Bobby replies, “trust me, I’ve thought about that a lot, and I’m ready to accept it. But I want this, Hanbin, I promise I do. Growing up in Virginia, I never thought I’d really be able to do music as a job. And I know there might be a lot of things we have to do that I might not like, but I like rapping and I like performing, and I like you, and I like your members. I think that stuff will make everything else okay.”

Hanbin feels touched by his comments and his eyes meet Bobby’s, and he can see how serious he is. He knows Bobby isn’t only doing it for him. He’s doing it for the security too, for the money, for his family. Hanbin hopes that his story will make the fans accept him more easily. Bobby’s a good guy, he’ll be sweet to the fans regardless.

“When are you moving in?” Hanbin asks.

“In a week, literally the day after Show Me The Money is over.” Yang allowed him to stay at his aunt’s in order to keep his head on the final, though he’s expected to begin a light training routine immediately. Only six hours a day instead of all day.

“We’ll be rooming together,” Hanbin says, grinning when Bobby smiles, “but Junhoe’s in our room too.”

“The loud one?” Bobby asks, and Hanbin nods.

“Yeah, that one. Well provided he makes the team, which I’m sure he will. He’s kind of a slob, though, so I hope that won’t irritate you too much.”

Bobby grins at him. “To be honest I’m not as organized as my room would have you believe,” he begins, and he laughs when Hanbin frowns, “my aunt makes me keep my space clean.”

Hanbin sighs and shakes his head. “I guess you had to have some fault in you; just keep my bed clean is all I ask.”

“I will do my best to keep my stuff at least somewhat organized,” Bobby promises, and he tightens his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders. The elevator opens on the bottom floor and Bobby follows Hanbin out, not sure where they’re going. As they pass a door he sees the words “Training Room” in black letters.

“The others are in one of the rooms here,” Hanbin explains, and he knows there’s a camera crew waiting inside, because they’ve started to film everything they do again. He pauses outside the closed door, and he can hear the others inside. His heart’s beating wildly in his chest, he’s nervous even though he knows he doesn’t have to be. They all like Bobby, so he’s sure they’ll be happy. It won’t be the frosty reception the new guys got, because this is an emergency situation.

Bobby stops next to him outside the door and waits, his eyes on Hanbin. He’s got his right hand on his chest, tapping over his heart, and Bobby can sense the sudden onset of nerves.

“Do you want to go in and talk to them first, without me?” Bobby asks, because he thinks it might be better that way, if Hanbin can at least prepare them.

Hanbin looks at him and nods, feels grateful to him for suggesting it. “I’ll come get you.” But before he leaves Hanbin wraps him in a tight hug, his face snug against Bobby’s neck, his lips pressing lightly to his skin. Bobby wonders if there are cameras in the hallways.

Hanbin pulls back and Bobby moves out of sight of the door and watches as Hanbin enters the room. The other go quiet and he waits in the hallway, his own nerves gnawing at his stomach.

This is going to go okay, isn’t it? He’s met them all, spent a few hours in their company. They all know how close he and Hanbin are. But then he has the terrible thought that maybe that will cause a problem. Maybe he was fine when he wasn’t part of the team, but will that change now?

It’s an agonizing wait for Hanbin to reappear, sitting by himself in the hall. Things are going to change for him in the most drastic of ways starting in a week’s time. They’re already changing now, and he’s glad for the week’s reprieve from a full training schedule.

Hanbin’s still a bundle of nerves when he steps into the room, the full array of cameras over in the corner. He focuses on his members, who all go quiet when he enters. His eyes find Jinhwan’s and he must look nervous because Jinhwan immediately rushes to him, standing before him and grabbing his hands. His strong grip gives Hanbin a boost of confidence.

“I just had a meeting with Yang sajangnim, as you know,” Hanbin begins, and they all crowd around him, waiting for his elaboration, “and I have some news.”

“Did they find a second rapper for us?” Jinhwan asks, because he knows about the other possibilities, and he’s equally as terrified for them.

Hanbin meets his eyes then and finally cracks a smile. “Yes, they did. He’s outside in the hall, but I wanted to warn you before I bring him in.”

The others all seem somewhat relieved, and that makes Hanbin feel better. But Jinhwan grips his hands again and draws his attention.

“Are you happy?” Jinhwan whispers, and Hanbin feels touched at his concern.

“Very.” He replies with a smile. Jinhwan gives him  _ that look, _ the questioning one that Hanbin has come to know so well over time. Hanbin just smiles back at him still, before letting go of his hands and heading to the door. Just as he touches the handle he feels his usual playfulness come back. “Everyone close your eyes!” He instructs, and turns to look at them. Despite the nerves everyone plays along.

He open the door and sees Bobby standing against the wall and his heart swells up about ten sizes in his chest until he can barely breathe. But it’s not nerves now—he’s just happy. He reaches out and touches Bobby’s arm, all smiles when Bobby looks at him with wide eyes.

“We’re ready for you.” Hanbin smiles when Bobby grabs his hand, his palm sweaty from how nervous he is. Hanbin squeezes his fingers reassuringly, because he knows, in that moment, that everything will be okay. After weeks of confusion and uncertainty about the future, Bobby is  _ his _ now.

Correction.

Bobby is  _ theirs _ now. It’s just on Hanbin to smooth the transition. He knows it will go over well, he saw the relief on everyone’s face that their team, whoever is selected to it in the end, will stay as seven and not be separated further. Any problems that come up, he can handle them. Because he’s doing it for them, and they’re worth it. His members, the fans, and now Bobby. He’s lucky to have all of them.

He leads Bobby into the room and everyone still has their eyes closed and for some reason it makes Hanbin feel ridiculously affectionate for them all. They follow him no matter how stupid his request is.

He positions Bobby right in front of them and takes a moment to see them all together. Bobby  _ fits. _ He looks like he’s supposed to be here, and it makes Hanbin’s throat get a little tight.

“Okay, open your eyes now.”

The response is immediate and it’s everything he hoped for—disbelieving shouts of joy.

“Bobby hyung?!” Donghyuk is the first one to shout, surging forward with a smile on his face a mile wide, enveloping Bobby in a hug that soon everyone else joins in on. Everyone except Hanbin, who just watches with the happiest look on his face.

Junhoe is the first one to back away, and he fixes Hanbin with an expression that almost looks a little annoyed. Hanbin grins (because he knows Junhoe, and he’s certain he knows exactly what he’s thinking).

“Do I really have to share a room with the two of you?” Junhoe whispers in his ear, and Hanbin can’t help but laugh.

“Don’t worry, you’re safe while the cameras are up,” Hanbin whispers back, and even though he’s fighting it, Hanbin can see him grin, and if Junhoe weren’t trying to keep up appearances he’d probably be giggling by now. They stand together and watch as the others slowly peel off of Bobby, and Hanbin is happy when he sees how big Jinhwan’s smile is. Their eyes meet for a second and Hanbin can see the relief in Jinhwan’s expression. It’s touching.

But Hanbin looks at the cameras then, and he’s aware as always that they have a show to film. “So how about we get a display from Bobby on his dancing?” Hanbin suggests, grinning when Bobby looks at him with panic in his eyes. “What did he teach you?” Hanbin asks.

“6 foot 7 foot,” Bobby replies, suddenly nervous with the cameras around (and the others, of course, because he remembers Jaewook’s words about his need for improvement).

“I’ll dance with you if it’ll make you less nervous, Bobby hyung,” Donghyuk offers, “might help you remember the moves too if you go blank.”

Bobby smiles back at Donghyuk, touched by his offer. He’s a sweet kid, Bobby remembers that from their night at his aunt’s.

“Okay, I really appreciate that. Because I’ll probably forget everything,” Bobby jokes, and they all grin at him.

“That’s okay,” Hanbin replies, his eyes twinkling, “you have a week to get used to it.”

Bobby meets his gaze and wonders if Hanbin’s joking or not. But then it doesn’t really matter. He knows he has catching up to do, and he’s fine with that. They’ll help him out, he can feel it in the way they’re all being so supportive. It won’t be that bad.

* * *

“So guess what?”

Bobby cracks an eye open and looks up to see Hanbin peering over him. He’s torn between joy and irritation, because all he wants to do right now is fall asleep, right here on the training room floor.

“This better be good.”

Hanbin laughs at him and sits down with crossed legs. “Sajangnim wants me to go watch the final,” Hanbin tells him, “he wants to send a camera man to catch your victory celebration so we can work it into the show.”

Bobby brightens up at that, because he’s been switching between excitement and nerves for the final, and right now he’s settled on extreme nerves. Having Hanbin there will be a calming presence, he’s sure of it. But on the other hand… What if he loses? Are they still going to want footage? Or will he disappoint everyone?

“Don’t be too nervous,” Hanbin says to him, reaching out to lay a hand on his arm, “win or lose you made it to the final, and that’s a huge accomplishment for someone that no one knew. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am.”

Bobby feels touched by the comment, it makes his eyes tear up unexpectedly. “Thanks.” He can’t bring himself to say much else, but Hanbin understands.

“I also wanted to say that you’re doing well with the training,” Hanbin continues, “I know it’s really tough on you, you’re not used to working so hard with these kinds of hours. But you’re doing a good job, really. I wanted to make sure you knew that.”

Bobby fumbles around until he finds Hanbin’s hand, gripping it tightly. “Thanks, Hanbin. That means a lot.”

“Any time, hyung,” Hanbin replies, “at least until I judge that you’re up to a higher standard. Then I’ll crack down on you.”

Bobby looks at him and pouts, which makes Hanbin laugh, and Bobby loves seeing that look on his face, the one packed full of affection and good humour. It melts his heart every time.

* * *

There’s a knock at the door and a second later it opens just a tiny bit, and Bobby looks up to see Hanbin’s head popping in through the opening. Bobby can’t help but smile.

“Can we film for a few minutes?” Hanbin asks, and Bobby looks at the other two, but they’re already waving him in. It’s weird, having two sets of cameras on him. But Hanbin explained that they’ve already smoothed it over with Mnet, who will be showing their survival program. The camera man follows Hanbin into the room and sets up his gear, and Bobby moves over to make room for Hanbin on the couch next to him. He’s not really sure what they’re supposed to be filming, but Hanbin pulls his phone out and starts making a video call.

A few seconds later and the screen shows Jinhwan’s face, who quickly yells for the others to join him. Bobby feels touched, not expecting the surprise call. That’s probably why Hanbin hadn’t told him what they’d be filming, so they’d get Bobby’s natural reaction and not something that seemed rehearsed or prepared.

He receives well wishes from them all, and it affects him more than he’d expected. He’s only been training with them for six days, but already a bond has formed. Donghyuk’s message is the sappiest one, and the guys tease him for it, but it makes Bobby happy. Even though he’s not the youngest, Donghyuk has definitely been the one who’s made Bobby feel the most like an older brother. They had the most natural chemistry between them.

The call lasts for a few minutes, and for the whole thing Bobby’s got a smile on his face a mile wide, and he feels rejuvenated. He’s got one round left tonight, his final song, and the nerves had been creeping up again. But seeing the others has a calming effect on him, and now he just feels confident.

He has to do this for them. He has to win for them. He wants to do everything in his power to bring as much positive attention to the team as he can, and if he gets the victory tonight then it’ll only help them out in the long run. If he’s going to come in at the last minute then he needs to come in full of fire and positive attention.

Once Hanbin ends the call he stays for another few minutes, and they talk about the crowd tonight, about their expectations. Hanbin has the highest expectations and it bolsters Bobby once again, makes him feel like the only thing he can expect is victory. He leaves him again a few minutes later and as soon as he’s out the door Bobby hears snickering beside him.

“They’re cute,” The Quiett says, smirking behind his sunglasses, “it makes me feel like I could go out there and win the show.”

Bobby grins at him and sits back comfortably in the couch, his hands up behind his head. “It’s nice to have a cheerleading squad.”

“I’m glad that’s working out for you,” Dok2 adds, “it makes me feel good to see them all happy for you.”

Bobby looks at him and feels gracious for everything he’s done for him. “Thank you for setting that up for me, hyung,” he says, “I know it’s only the beginning, but so far it’s been really good. I feel like I’m dying most days, but they say I’m doing well.”

Dok2 grins at him. “Yeah I’ll get an update from you in two weeks once you’re fully integrated and you’ll probably be cursing at me.” They all laugh, and it might be true, but Bobby thinks that even if he’s on the verge of death at the end of every day, he’ll still go to sleep happy.

Forty minutes later and it’s time for his final performance. He fixes his suit jacket one last time before crouching down to sit on the stage. The fans are in front of him and he looks at them, grinning when they scream for him. He nods at them and loosens his grip on his microphone, not having realized until that moment how tightly he’d been gripping it.

CJamm has performed already, so Bobby’s stage is the final one of the night. He’s doing a hype song again, ending the show with a bang. He’s worked all week to perfect his delivery on his rap, not just working with his mentors and not just with Hanbin, but he’s also had a session with one of YGE’s in house rap instructors, and it was enlightening to get a complete stranger’s take.

He feels ready for the performance, feels energized. He looks up at the top row of the audience area, where his aunt is standing in as his family. He smiles when he sees who’s standing by her. It’s not just Hanbin, but Woosung is there as well, and Bobby feels grateful to the both of them for coming. Not just for him, but to keep his aunt company as well.

His performance goes perfectly, his energy is strong and aggressive and the audience enjoys it, screaming along with him. He feels like victory is a sure thing when he exits the stage, greeting his team mentors who both pull him into a hug. It hits him then, at that moment, that he might never work with either of them again. It makes him feel sad, and he probably hugs them for a bit longer than they expect. But they both pat his head and tell him that they’re proud of him, that he killed it. The praise means everything to him.

Soon he’s on stage next to them, with CJamm on his other side. They’re getting ready to see the results and Bobby is happy to have him up here. They haven’t really talked much since that night at his place months ago, and even though they’re competing, they’ve been quite friendly tonight.

But soon it’s that moment, the one he’s been waiting months for. He stands with his hands clasped in front of him and his head bowed, praying. He’s already won as far as he’s concerned, because he’s got a good contract, an amazing team, and Hanbin. But the title and the money would be nice.

The results are calculated and he looks up at the screen, holding his breath. But there it is, in plain view on the screen. Bobby—Victor.

He turns to CJamm and pulls him into a hug before Dok2 and The Quiett are also reaching for him, pride plain as day on their faces. He looks up where he knows his important people are standing but the lights are blinding and he can’t see them, but he knows they’re there, and he smiles in their direction.

Mission accomplished. He’s done everything he’s set out to do.


	14. Trainee Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby settles in for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're finally at the end! Thank you to everyone who followed along with this story. I started it so long ago, feels good to finally finish with it. ♥♥♥

It doesn’t take two weeks for him to feel like cursing at Dok2. It only takes one.

He’s dying again (he’s always dying) but today it seems like he’s having an off day. He’s finally practicing with the others and he keeps screwing up the same move every time. He knows they’re all being patient with him but even he’s getting angry with himself. They have an evaluation with YG in three days—he can’t be fucking up this much right now.

He can’t look Hanbin in the face, he keeps looking everywhere else. Finally after screwing the move up for the seventh time in a row Hanbin stops the music. Everything’s quiet then, and Bobby feels nerves unsettle his stomach.

“Bobby hyung,” Hanbin starts, and his voice is so calm and composed but Bobby can feel the irritation seeping off of him, “you know we have that evaluation in three days, right? You should have the moves down by now even if they don’t look perfect.”

Bobby isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say. Hanbin’s right, of course. He should have the moves down—he thought he did yesterday. But his brain’s frying today and he can’t get anything right.

“We need to practice this as a group, but we can’t do that because you keep screwing your moves up.” Hanbin’s sitting on the floor, where he always is when he monitors them. Bobby feels terrible, and for the first time he gets the full effect of Hanbin’s wrath.

“What do we do about you?” Hanbin asks, and Bobby’s not sure if he expects an answer or if it’s just a rhetorical question. “You’ve been doing pretty good until today. But now you look worse than you did two days ago.”

Bobby finally spares him a glance, and he wishes he hadn’t. Hanbin’s glaring at him, looking completely unimpressed, and Bobby worries that he’s regretting bringing him into the team. He isn’t really ready for this, is he? He’s not going to be able to make it work.

Bobby surprises himself by sinking down to the floor and kneeling, apologies tumbling from his lips. “I’m sorry, I know I’m holding everyone back, I apologize, I’m so sorry.” There’s a waver in his voice that isn’t normally there, and he thinks that he’s never felt more sorry towards anyone than he feels right now.

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan interrupts, “let’s not do this right now, okay?”

“Do what?” Hanbin replies, but it’s clear that he knows exactly what Jinhwan means.

Jinhwan doesn’t answer, he just stares at him, and seconds stretch out as they speak to each other through gaze alone. Bobby finally sits back up and feels terrible for everything, because he’s the source of all the tension right now.

“Let’s go outside for a break,” Jinhwan finally suggests, “it’ll be good for everyone to get some air.”

Hanbin doesn’t answer, just sits against the mirror stewing in aggravation. But he doesn’t tell them not to go, so Jinhwan tells everyone to get up and head outside. But when Bobby meets his gaze, Jinhwan shakes his head.

Ah. He’s just giving them space, then. Bobby’s both grateful and terrified of being alone with Hanbin right now. Things have been so good lately, are they finally about to splinter? He waits as everyone leaves the room, sitting where he is and not looking at him. When they’re finally alone Bobby doesn’t say anything, assuming that Hanbin will speak first. But he doesn’t, so they both sit there in silence, and Bobby’s sure his stomach’s going to punch its way out of his body.

Finally Hanbin stands up. “Come with me.”

Bobby follows without question, leaves the room behind him, wonders where they’re going. He’s surprised when Hanbin leads him into the bathroom, confused about what he’s doing. But as soon as Bobby’s inside Hanbin shuts the door behind him and locks it, and Bobby’s entire body is on pins and needles from the tension.

But a second later Hanbin pushes him against the wall, hands tight on his skin, and he covers Bobby’s mouth with his own, the kiss aggressive and needy and brought on by equal parts desire and excess negative energy that needs to be blown off. Bobby doesn’t hesitate before following along, his hands resting on Hanbin’s arms, standing back and letting Hanbin lead the moment. A few seconds later Hanbin finally pulls back, but his hands stay where they are, cupping Bobby’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” he says, catching Bobby off guard, “but you know that I have to, right? I have to make sure you’re ready, and you’re not ready, and if you’re not ready then no one else will be ready.”

Everything suddenly clicks into place and Bobby realizes why he’s so snappy. “I know,” he replies, “this is all on you, how I do is on your shoulders.”

“Not just you,” Hanbin says, “everyone. I have to make sure everyone is perfect, and with you continually screwing up, you’re making it really hard for me to do my job.”

“I’m sorry—” Bobby tries to say, but Hanbin cuts him off.

“You don’t have to apologize. Just do better.” Hanbin bites his lip and Bobby can see it in his eyes. He’s trying to stay composed, trying to stay calm. Bobby can’t blame him for nearly snapping, not with the pressure he’s under. The words are direct and if he weren’t so concerned for Hanbin they’d feel like a knife in his gut, cutting him open.

But they’re valid, and no matter what—he can’t take them personally. The criticism is valid. He has to do better.

“I promise I will,” he replies, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to hold himself to that promise but he doesn’t really have a choice. He has to do better. That’s all there is to it. “Should we get back to the room? Can we run through it one time before the others come back?” Bobby suggests, hoping that maybe that will help.

But Hanbin doesn’t move to the door, and instead he just wraps his arms around Bobby’s back and leans against him, embracing him tightly. Bobby’s surprised and isn’t sure if Hanbin is doing it because he feels guilty for snapping. But he tightens his own arms around Hanbin’s back and leans his chin on Hanbin’s head.

“We don’t have to run through it again,” Hanbin says, “you know the moves. Going over it again on your own won’t help you remember them, because they’re already in there. You’re just thinking too much. Stop thinking and just feel the music, and the moves will come to you automatically, you’ve done them so many times.”

Bobby doesn’t see how that’s possible—he has to think about the moves.

But it’s like Hanbin can read his mind. “When you rap, are you always thinking about your lyrics? Or do you just let them come to you with the beat?”

He rarely ever thinks about his lyrics when he’s rapping. He just knows them, and they come, but rapping is different than dancing. It’s a whole different language.

Hanbin reaches out and cups his hands against Bobby’s cheeks again, looking him right in the eyes. “I know you can do this. Dancing is still new to you, but you’ll get it. You’ll stop thinking so much when you dance, and you’ll learn how to feel it instead. Even if I have to beat it into you.”

“Please don’t,” Bobby says without thinking about it, “I’m already really sore.”

Hanbin’s eyes widen in surprise at his joke and Bobby could bite his own tongue off at the moment. They’re having a serious talk about his shortcomings and all he can do is joke?

But Hanbin’s mouth breaks into a grin a second later and he can’t stop the laugh that bubbles out of him. That laugh feels like it breaks the tension and suddenly they’re both smiling at each other and Bobby wonders if maybe he’s just been so preoccupied with learning everything that his brain just got overloaded, and all he needed was a soft and meaningful moment with his favourite person.

Before he can think better of it Bobby presses soft fingers against Hanbin’s cheeks and holds him in place and kisses him, and a second into it Hanbin pulls him closer, kissing him back. When they finally part Bobby feels a million times lighter than he’d felt earlier. He’ll do better this time, because Hanbin believes he will. Hanbin’s opinion is the one that matters most to him right now.

“Let’s go back,” Hanbin says then, and presses a quick kiss to his lips before pulling away. Bobby follows him to the training room, surprised to see the others back already. He notices Jinhwan watching them and Bobby smiles at him in a reassuring way. Jinhwan smiles back.

They retake their positions and Hanbin queues up the music and this time—Bobby does it perfectly, and everyone smiles, even Hanbin.

* * *

Even though Bobby’s tired and sore, he’s still in the studio with Hanbin at two in the morning, working on music. It’s a different atmosphere when they’re here together, and unlike dance practice, Bobby doesn’t feel so out of his element. Even though Hanbin’s a better composer than he is, Bobby can still offer ideas and help Hanbin flesh out his own.

They’re writing lyrics for a song, and Bobby watches as Hanbin handwrites their ideas into his notebook. Bobby’s not sure which one of them has worse handwriting, and he can barely make out Hanbin’s scratches. Hanbin turns to the next page and Bobby hears a sudden intake of breath that sounds concerning, and he isn’t sure what to expect as he looks at him.

Hanbin’s got his eyes closed and Bobby wonders if there was a bug, but when he looks down at the desk he can see something written on the page that is definitely not in Hanbin’s handwriting. Curiously he looks closer and feels confused when he reads the message.

__ go to sleep u nerd!!!! work can wait!  
_ u better listen to me kim hanbin!!  
_ __ sleeeeeeeeeeep nerdboy

He looks at Hanbin, who’s finally opened his eyes again. Hanbin glances at him and Bobby can see that he’s got tears in his eyes.

“He always used to do this to my notebooks,” Hanbin says, his voice scratchy with repressed emotion, “he used to pick random pages and leave me notes.”

Suddenly it hits Bobby—the note is from Seungjae, written before everything went downhill. He reaches out without thinking, closing the notebook and sliding it away before scooting his chair beside Hanbin’s and putting an arm around his shoulders. Hanbin doesn’t say anything, just sits in silence, trying to hold his emotions in check. Bobby can see that he’s got a choice to make right now—he can either distract Hanbin from the situation (which is probably what Hanbin wants, since they’re up late working) or he can force the subject and make Hanbin deal with those hurt feelings.

“Have you talked to him since he was cut?” Bobby asks, because it’s clear to him that Hanbin needs to talk about Seungjae. Because it’s easy to keep your back turned on someone who’s hurt you, but then you get reminders that there were a lot of good times, and a lot of good behaviour, and it brings the hurt back full force.

“No,” Hanbin replies, “well, not really.”

What do you mean?” Bobby asks, confused at the uncertain answer.

“I haven’t talked to him, I was told to block his number.”

“But you didn’t, did you?” Bobby asks, and he wonders if Seungjae has messaged Hanbin.

“Not at first, no,” Hanbin replies, “but then I got this message, and—” Hanbin can’t continue the sentence, he stops and sucks in a breath, like he’s trying to stop himself from crying. Bobby hasn’t seen him like this since that night.

“What message?” It can only be one of two things, can’t it? A heart felt apology, asking for forgiveness that Hanbin isn’t in the position to give, or a vitriolic message of anger and hatred.

Hanbin unlocks his phone and opens the message, offering it to Bobby. On one hand Bobby’s not sure he wants to read what’s surely personal. On the other hand, Hanbin is offering it to him during a moment of need. He can’t turn it away.

He takes the phone and reads the message and wishes he’d never asked. It’s a long message full of blame, pointing the finger at Hanbin for things out of his control. It’s hateful and spiteful and Bobby feels like crying himself after reading it. He lays Hanbin’s phone back on the desk and turns to him, pulling him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Bin,” Bobby says, kissing his forehead and not caring if the camera sees it, “I’m so sorry.”

“You know what’s really stupid?” Hanbin chokes out, and Bobby waits for him to go on. “I actually thought I was over it, you know? I thought I was done being sad over him. But then I see this and it’s like, all I want to do is try again. I want to talk to him and apologize for things that aren’t my fault. It’s so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Bobby replies, “you miss him, and that’s okay. You were together for a long time, you joined on the same day, right? You went through a lot together, you have so many memories with him in them, and those will always be there. It’s only natural to miss that.”

“But he was so mean at the end,” Hanbin says, “and all it takes is one stupid little message and I feel like my heart’s on overdrive, I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Maybe it’s the way he worded the sentence, but suddenly it hits Bobby like a slap in the face.

“You had a thing for Seungjae, didn’t you?” Bobby asks, and he’s surprised to find that it doesn’t make him feel weird. Just sad at how it ended.

“I didn’t really realize that I liked guys until I met him,” Hanbin answers, his voice barely above a whisper, “nothing ever happened, of course, but yeah, I had feelings for him.” Hanbin’s never admitted it to anyone—not even Jinhwan. He’s not sure why he’s admitting it now. Maybe because someone finally saw it and asked.

“It hurt, seeing him with a girl, didn’t it?” Bobby asks, and Hanbin nods.

“I knew he was straight, as much as I didn’t want it. But it mostly hurt because he didn’t tell me. I mean, I know I would have lectured him if he did, but still, I thought we told each other everything, and he never told me, and I’ve never felt so hurt before in my life.” Hanbin’s barely holding onto himself, tears threatening the corners of his eyes.

Bobby doesn’t know what to say, he just holds him. He wishes he could do more, but there’s really nothing more to do. But Hanbin clings to him with desperate hands, and Bobby rubs his back and vows that he’s never going to let anyone hurt him like this again.

Hanbin seems to regain a bit of himself then and he pulls away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.”

“Why not?” Bobby’s surprised at the comment.

Hanbin gives him a confused look. “Well, you can’t want to hear about my feelings for someone else, can you?”

“I want to hear about everything going on in your head,” Bobby says, and he means it, “I’m not jealous, you had Seungjae before you ever met me. How could that possibly make me mad?” Hanbin just shrugs. “I mean it though, you can tell me anything. You need someone to talk to, you can’t keep stuff like that to yourself, you’ll go crazy.”

Hanbin nods but doesn’t say anything. He feels better, finally getting the admission off his chest. It feels nice to tell Bobby things like that, to know that he can. He finally sits back, but reaches for Bobby’s hand and holds it tightly.

“Thank you,” he says, smiling, “I appreciate that. I never even told Jinhwan about those feelings.”

“I’m glad you told me in the end,” Bobby says, “you wanna keep working or do you want to go back to the dorm?”

Hanbin thinks for a moment, and for once he decides to listen to Seungjae’s old teasing advice.

“Let’s go back, the song isn’t going anywhere.”

Bobby squeezes his hand and feels good about the moment. The admission probably took a lot out of Hanbin, especially if he’d never told anyone. It feels nice to be so trusted. He stands up and waits as Hanbin saves their progress and turns off the computer monitor. Hanbin grabs his hand again as they leave, and they walk home together, hand in hand. They don’t talk, but they don’t need to.   
  
They get in together and head for their room, and Bobby can’t wait until the cameras come down. He wants to sleep next to Hanbin again, wants to hold him in his arms during the night. But for now they have to keep to separate beds. They undress and lay down, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness Bobby can see that Hanbin is looking at him, the same way that he’s looking back. He wonders if Hanbin’s got the same thoughts running through his head about cameras.   
  
But then Junhoe tosses in his sleep and starts snoring, and for some reason it makes the both of them collapse into giggles loud enough they wake Junhoe up.   
  
No matter how tough things get, Bobby’s still going to sleep happy every night.   
  


* * *

  
The evaluation in front of YG has Bobby a little confused at first, but that’s because he’s not terribly familiar with him. He watches their team performance with critical eyes (to the point that it’s an uncomfortable reminder of Hanbin’s own hawkish gaze) and at the end he offers criticism and a bit of praise (barely praise, to Bobby’s ears).   
  
But the second the CEO leaves them alone everyone breaks into relieved smiles, and no smile is bigger than Hanbin’s.   
  
“Congratulations, hyung!” Hanbin beams at him, giddy smile popping up right in front of him. “You survived your first evaluation!”   
  
“Did I?” Bobby replies, still feeling like his stomach’s about to shoot up out of his throat. “He barely said anything positive to me.”   
  
“You actually got off pretty good,” Hanbin says.   
  
“Trust us, Bobby, Hanbin and I have heard enough over the years to know when he’s satisfied. He knows you’ve only been training for two weeks, so it’s not like he was expecting miracles.” Jinhwan adds, coming up and slinging an arm around Bobby’s back.   
  
“It probably felt like he was picking you apart, but you’re new so he has to. He just wants to make sure you’re ready for the showcase, because if you’re not then he’s going to look stupid for signing you.” Hanbin explains.   
  
“I guess. Honestly though I barely even remember what he said I need to work on.”   
  
Hanbin grins at him. “Don’t worry, I remember everything. We’ll work on polishing you up together.”   
  
“If he didn’t think you were working out, he’d have said as much,” Jinhwan says, “but the first thing he said was  _ okay, that looked good, _ and honestly that’s a pretty high compliment.”   
  
The others laugh but Bobby still finds the whole thing confusing. But then Hanbin gets his attention again and tells him not to worry, and Bobby knows that he has to trust him. Jinhwan is right—if perfectionist leader Hanbin is happy, and if Jinhwan is happy, then Bobby needs to follow their lead and be happy too.   
  


* * *

  
Bobby’s sitting outside on Sunday night, having a quiet moment to himself after a long week. He’s supposed to have a phone call with his mom in ten minutes, and he’s looking forward to it. He hasn’t had much time over the past week to talk to his family, and he misses his parents. The homesickness hits him at random moments, but usually he’s been too busy to think about it much. He’s feeling it now, though.   
  
He hears footsteps behind him and waits to see if they’ll pass, but they don’t. They come right up to the table he’s sitting at and he looks to his side, only to see Jinhwan, who smiles at him.   
  
“You have a minute, or do you want to be alone?” Jinhwan asks, and Bobby feels touched that he does.   
  
“I have a call in ten minutes with my mom, so I have a bit of time.” Bobby smiles back at him.   
  
Jinhwan sits down next to him. “I just wanted to check on you and ask you how you’re doing,” he starts, “I know it’s been a crazy few weeks for you.”   
  
“It’s good,” Bobby replies, “definitely crazy and intense, but it’s good, overall.”   
  
“How are things with you and Hanbin?” Jinhwan asks.   
  
“They’re good,” Bobby says with a smile, “we’re happy.”   
  
“I know he can be demanding during training, and I know you’re not used to that, so I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. If he ever does anything that upsets you, I want you to come and talk to me about it, okay? Not just because I’m older than you, but I know Hanbin. I know his quirks. And I also know that he really likes you, and he doesn’t want to do anything that hurts your feelings. But he has a job, and he has to do it.”   
  
“I know,” Bobby replies, touched at Jinhwan’s concern, “I don’t hold any of his scolding against him.”   
  
“Okay, but if it ever gets to be too much, promise me you’ll talk to me?”   
  
Bobby nods, and then realizes that he’s not offering just because he’s concerned about him. Jinhwan is also concerned about Hanbin, and he wants to make sure their relationship stays strong so Hanbin will be okay.   
  
“He’s never had a relationship before, Hanbin,” Jinhwan tells him, “you’re his first.”   
  
Bobby thinks it’s cute, and he also feels happy that Hanbin let it happen. “It’s cute that you’re getting all protective,” Bobby teases.   
  
Jinhwan grins at him. “We’ve been through a lot, and I haven’t seen him as happy as he’s been with you in a long time. You’re really good for him, Bobby. I just think about last year, and how stressed out he was constantly. It might not seem like it to you, but trust me when I say that Hanbin is much kinder lately.”   
  
“You’re welcome!” Bobby teasingly replies.   
  
“Don’t fuck it up, okay? I like you, so I don’t want to have to kick your ass if you hurt him.” Jinhwan tries to be as serious as possible, but Bobby can’t help but laugh at his warning, which makes Jinhwan grin.   
  
“I promise I won’t fuck anything up,” Bobby replies, “I like him too much. Plus if I fuck up then I’m gone, and that would be counter-productive to my life.”   
  
Jinhwan just smiles at him. “I know we barely know each other still, but I’m not just here for Hanbin. I really do want you to feel like you can talk to me if you need to, okay? Things are only going to get harder, especially when they officially announce you as a member. If that gets messy, well, just know that we’re here for you. All of us, but Hanbin and I especially. Don’t worry about being a burden if things start bothering you.”   
  
“Thanks, hyung. I really appreciate you looking out for us. I know it can’t be easy when you have so many other guys to worry about, so thank you.”   
  
Jinhwan shuffles closer and puts an arm around Bobby’s back, hugging him. “I’m really happy we found you, Bobby. It feels like you’re supposed to be here, which is weird to say. You have big shoes to fill, but I get the feeling that you’ll fill them. We’ll all make sure of it.”   
  
Bobby knows he’s talking about Seungjae, and it feels good to hear Jinhwan say it. Because despite the problems he caused, Seungjae was important to their team, and his synergy with the members was excellent. Bobby knows he’s got work to do, but he’s getting there. They sit together for another few minutes until it’s time for Bobby’s phone call, but he asks Jinhwan to stay for a bit, so he can introduce him to his family. He feels like he owes Jinhwan that much for helping him out.   
  


* * *

  
Two weeks later and Bobby’s sitting in the most important studio at YG—the one that belongs to Teddy Park. He and Hanbin are going to be working on a song with Teddy, and as excited as Bobby is for it, Hanbin is ten times more excited. He’d admitted to Bobby that Teddy has always been one of his biggest idols in the music industry, and that he’s nervous about getting to work directly with him. He wants to impress Teddy, and Bobby thinks it’s the most adorable thing.   
  
But while they’re waiting Bobby is browsing around on-line, unable to keep himself from reading articles about the group. YG finally sent out a press release a week ago, announcing that they had selected a replacement for Seungjae. The show they’d been filming all summer, titled Mix & Match, had finally started airing a week ago.   
  
Bobby’s been reading comments about it, and also reading discussions about who fans are hoping Seungjae’s replacement will be. By now it seems that many Team B fans have heard about his friendship with Hanbin (thanks to Woosung posting a picture of the three of them hanging out together on his Instagram account) and so far it seems like the majority of fans are hoping that he’s the replacement.   
  
Of course there’s pushback from angry fans of Seungjae’s, but Bobby understands where they’re coming from. He’d be upset too. But Hanbin’s fans are the most vocal about expressing their support of Bobby coming into the group, and Bobby thinks it’s cute that they seem to want him not so much because of his skill—but because he’s Hanbin’s friend. That kind of loyalty is wonderful to see, and it touches Bobby’s heart to think that they care that much about Hanbin’s happiness.   
  
Teddy finally joins them and Hanbin’s excitement seeps into Bobby, gets his own heart rate up. Teddy queues up the music for the track, explains what he envisions them doing with it. It’s supposed to be their anthem, the song they’re going to use to introduce Bobby as a member of the group. But it’s also going to introduce their group—iKON. Bobby’s in love with the name, thinks it has a great ring to it.   
  
The music is great, it’s going to be easy to write strong lyrics for it. Hanbin slides his chair right next to Teddy at the computer, asking questions and making suggestions about changing a few things with the beat. Bobby’s shocked to watch him. Minutes ago and Hanbin was frazzled with nerves, and now he’s talking to Teddy like they work together all the time.   
  
But more impressive to Bobby is that Teddy doesn’t brush off anything he says—instead he makes adjustments and fiddles with sound bites and adds in beats that Hanbin suggests. Hanbin comes up with the chorus right away, and Bobby is hit with a rush of gratitude that they managed to find each other this summer, and that he somehow wormed his way into this spot. There’s something special about Hanbin, he’s impressive in a way that Bobby hadn’t expected him to be at first.   
  
And now he’s Bobby’s, they chose each other, and soon everyone is going to get to see how well they work together.    
  


* * *

It’s the end of October and they’ve just sent the vocalists home to await the results of the voting. It’s just Hanbin and Jinhwan and Bobby now, left at the dorm, and they walk around together, disabling the cameras.

The reception to Bobby joining the group was better than they had expected. Many fans welcomed him openly, grateful to Bobby for having established himself as Hanbin’s first friend outside of YG. The response of fans at their fan meets was overwhelming to the point that Bobby cried at the first one, moved by their support. It had surprisingly been easy to be on stage with the group, performing and playing games and interacting with the fans. Sure, he screwed up a few times during songs, but Hanbin had just laughed at him, making fun of him after the fact. Fans had called it cute and charming, and after some checking around on-line, he was pleased to see that a lot of fans actually thought that he and Hanbin made quite the perfect pair together.

The three of them go out to dinner at Bobby’s aunt’s restaurant, and she’s elated to see them, proud of Bobby for his choices, and proud of Hanbin and Jinhwan for accepting him into their tight knit family with open arms.

It’s a nice dinner, relaxing after all the stress of the summer. All they can do now is wait for the results.

That night is the first night that Hanbin and Bobby take advantage of their roommate status, as Hanbin crawls into Bobby’s bed. They’re too exhausted to do anything more than kiss each other, but that’s enough after everything else. Falling asleep together and knowing they’ll wake up next to one another is all either of them have wanted for weeks.

* * *

Bobby sends his prize money back to his family, keeping none of it for himself. His parents pay off their debt and his father is able to quit his second job. Jiun buys his girlfriend the fancy engagement ring and Bobby has a pending sister-in-law now.

Robbie comes to visit him for a week, and Hanbin sweet talks their manager into letting him stay at the dorm since it’s half-empty. Bobby’s a little worried about having him here, about merging his two lives together now. But Hanbin and Jinhwan treat Robbie like their own friend, and it eases his nerves.   
  
They don’t get the chance to talk by themselves until the second day he’s there. Bobby takes him for a tour of the YG building along with Hanbin and Jinhwan, but he leaves them in the studio to do some recordings and takes Robbie outside. They wander across the street, up to roof of the neighbouring building where he’d met Hanbin once.   
  
“So, you’re really doing the idol thing, huh?” Robbie says, still in disbelief.   
  
“Yeah, pretty wild, isn’t it?” Bobby replies, because really—it’s such a shift compared to where his life had been going a few months ago.   
  
“You must really like Hanbin,” Robbie teases, “joining his idol group.”   
  
“It’s not just for Hanbin!” Bobby replies, “it’s for my future too.”   
  
“Sure. Whatever you say. If you were that desperate for a piece of ass we could have found you a hot dude stateside, bro. You didn’t have to come all the way to Korea.” Robbie nudges him, grinning at him.   
  
Bobby just shakes his head. “Wow, fuck you.”   
  
“No thanks bro, I’m straight.” Robbie says, and it makes the both of them laugh. Bobby’s grateful that Robbie’s not bothered by it. He’d never told him about his attraction to guys, and he’d been worried that Robbie might have been upset about the secret. Instead he’d gone out of his way to be friendly to Hanbin and didn’t act bothered when they got close. Bobby couldn’t really ask for more.   
  
But now as they sit together, on the cusp of vastly different futures, he wonders when the next time will be that they’ll see each other again? It’ll be difficult to talk, what with the time difference. Robbie will be busy with university, while Bobby will be busy training and preparing for debut. This week together might be the last time they have quality time together for a long while.   
  
It hits him then, that he’s losing Robbie, in a way. Not entirely, but in day-to-day life. Robbie was always the first person he’d call to talk to about things, the first person he’d share things with. But it won’t be like that anymore, and it hurts to realize it.   
  
But he’s got new people to share things with, new friends, new family members. That’s just the way of life—you lose people, but you gain people.   
  
“Hey, bro?” Bobby waits until Robbie looks at him. “Thanks for talking me into auditioning for the show. I wouldn’t have any of this if it wasn’t for you.”   
  
Robbie grins back at him. “Damn right you wouldn’t. You’d still be back in shithole Virginia, working some crappy job while trying to save money for school. And you’d be single.”   
  
“True on all counts,” Bobby replies. “It’s so weird to think about what life would be like if I hadn’t taken that chance.”   
  
“You happy, bro? Like really happy?” Robbie asks him, and Bobby doesn’t even have to give it a second thought.   
  
“Never been happier.” Despite the hard work and stress, it’s true. He’s never been happier.   
  
Robbie nods and looks across the street, eyes on the YG building. “Good. I miss you, but as long as you’re happy, then it’s okay. Just make some hype music with your group and make some coin then come visit me sometime, cool?”    
  
Bobby remembers their talk, back in LA at the audition, about vastly different desired outcomes from the show. He’s already halfway towards his own plans of supporting his family. “I’ll come visit you in your beach house and throw you a party when I’m rich, promise.”   
  
Robbie looks back at him with a grin. “That’s all I can ask for, bro.”   
  
Before Bobby has the chance to say anything back he can feel his phone buzz and he glances at the screen. It’s a message from Hanbin. Bobby opens it and reads it, grinning at the message.   
  
“You wanna go meet G Dragon?” Bobby asks, and Robbie looks at him with an excited expression.   
  
“For real?!”   
  
“Yeah bro, Hanbin said he’s at their studio. Hanbin’s kinda his favourite trainee, so he stops by a lot.” Bobby’s met him once, briefly, and was surprised at how similar they seemed.   
  
Robbie’s already on his feet. “Damn, if he’s GD’s favourite then you need to keep him happy. If you guys end up making GD kinda money then you can buy me that beach house.” Robbie grins before heading for the stairs, and Bobby follows, and he thinks again about his admission of a few minutes ago.   
  
He’s really never been happier.


	15. Epilogue 1: 5 Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five years to the day of Seungjae's scandal, Hanbin gets a hand written letter, and for the first time in a long time he wonders if maybe he might be able to start healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like everyone to say a big THANK YOU to [Scheska](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scheska) for inspiring me with comments to write some epilogue pieces for this story!! Literally would not have happened without our conversation about the boys and their futures. ♥♥♥
> 
> So this is back!! It's not over!! Originally I was going to write one epilogue chapter, but then it started to get really long, so I decided to break it up into multiple epilogue chapters. I'm not sure how many there will be, but these guys want to tell more of their story so who am I to say no?
> 
> It starts five years after the scandal, so it's actually taking place now. Right in 2019!
> 
> This first part is mostly Hanbin and Seungjae (but Bobby and Jinhwan are also in it as well). We'll see Robbie again too, for everyone who loved him! We'll also see Seungjae reuniting with the rest of iKON as well. How will it go? Will it cause friction? Will they want nothing to do with him? How will he and Bobby treat each other??
> 
> :)
> 
> Also have to share my musical inspiration for this part: [Komponent (Telefon Tel Aviv Remix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-77ysHsMpeA) by Apparat

_ Hanbin— _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I’m sorry. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ It’s been five years since the last time we spoke. I wanted to do this sooner, but at the same time I wanted to give you space. I’ve spent the past three years trying to figure out how to say this to you, but I guess at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter how it makes me feel. This apology is for you, so I decided to try and say what you would want to hear. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I’ve been watching you guys, and I want to say first and foremost how proud I am of you. All of you, but you most of all. Of course it still stings because if I hadn’t been such a spoiled brat, I’d be with you and this letter wouldn’t even be happening. But I ruined my chances, all of them, so instead I’ve just been watching from the sidelines, and no matter how hard it gets to watch and think of what could have been, I haven’t let myself look away. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I’m not going to lie and say that I’m happy to see how quickly you guys replaced me, or that my replacement seemed to fit in so easily. I wanted to hate Bobby at first, which I guess is to be expected. He managed to come in and take the spot that had always been mine, and even though he didn’t spend all those years training like I did, he carved out his spot all the same. (Seriously though kudos to you for how well you managed to work in his inexperienced dancer abilities! Do you ever sit back and watch old debut videos? He used to try so hard to dance properly and now four years later he’s kind of given up and honestly it’s sort of endearing. I can see why the fans like him so much.) _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I don’t know if you ever think about me, but knowing you as well as I do, I think you probably never stopped, did you? You were always like that, you always kept everything in your head, even if you used to pretend that you didn’t. I know that what I did really hurt you, and I wish I could have been strong enough and mature enough then to see what I was doing to myself. I let you be the easy scapegoat, when all along the person I should have been angry at was myself.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Nothing that happened was your fault. I know that you know that, but I hope you believe it too. There wasn’t anything else you could have done for me. I dug my own grave, even though I had every opportunity not to. I’m sorry I chose to let you go thinking that you could have done more to help me. I had one chance to apologize then and I didn’t make use of it, and I know you’ve suffered for it ever since. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I’m sorry. You deserved better from me. I just want you to know now that I have grown a lot, and I’m not the same selfish, immature kid I was then. I hope this letter can give you the closure I should have been willing to give you back then. I’m sorry I made you wait five years for a better version of myself. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ I hope you continue to prosper and show the world the best of yourself. Please believe me when I say that watching you get your due accolades gives me peace. You deserve every single good thing everyone says about you and you deserve more. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Always be proud of yourself and always be happy! _ _  
_ _ Seungjae _   
  


* * *

  
“Wow, that’s, well, I’m not entirely sure what I expected when you said he wrote you a letter. Was he right, though? Was it what you wanted to hear?”   
  
Hanbin stubbornly blinks the tears back in his eyes. “It was.”   
  
“Then, this is a good thing, right? We’re happy about this?”   
  
Hanbin smiles at Bobby’s question, reaching out to take his hand. “Yes, we’re happy about it.”   
  
Bobby grins and squeezes his hand. “Are you surprised to hear from him?”   
  
“Honestly, yeah. I always hoped he’d reach out when he was ready to, but I always told myself it would take longer. I mean, five years is a long time. But it still feels like it was just yesterday that it all happened.”   
  
“Are you gonna contact him?”   
  
Hanbin doesn’t answer right away, and after a minute of staring at Bobby’s hand intertwined with his own, he finally looks up to meet Bobby’s eyes. “I don’t know.”   
  
“Do you want to?” Bobby asks. He’s certain he knows the answer, but this is something that Hanbin has to handle at his own pace.   
  
“Yes, I want to.” Hanbin’s answer is immediate. “But just because I want to, it doesn’t mean that I should.”   
  
Bobby looks at him in confusion. “You lost me. Why wouldn’t you reach back? He seems genuine, you guys were really close. He probably misses you.”   
  
Hanbin sighs, because he’s not sure how to explain it. “I’m sure he does. I miss him too. But I just feel wary of the whole thing. I just wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon. I don’t know what to think.”   
  
“What have you got to lose? Besides, haven’t you been saying that you’ve been super uninspired lately? Maybe seeing him again and talking will give you something to write about.”   
  
Hanbin feels touched by the comment. Bobby has a point, but the fact that he’s making it, knowing how he felt at one time about Seungjae… It’s nice to feel so trusted.   
  
“He left his number, so give him a call. Or text him and set up a meeting. Don’t just sit on this, okay? It’ll eat you up, we both know that. This is your chance. You can get proper closure, or maybe you don’t have to get closure at all. Maybe it’s a fresh start instead.”   
  
Hanbin looks at him and takes a deep breath, wonders if Bobby’s right.   
  
It could be a fresh start for them. Because Seungjae was right—Hanbin’s never stopped thinking about him. As happy as he’s been over the past five years, as wonderful as things have been with Bobby in the group, it still never really helped him deal with losing Seungjae, because they’re two different people who mean different things to him.   
  
But now he has a chance to get Seungjae back to some degree. Provided Seungjae wants to come back in his life. Still, best to meet in person and talk about it.   
  
“Okay, I’ll text him and see about meeting up. Thanks for being so supportive.” Hanbin brings Bobby’s hand up to his mouth, pressing his lips to the back of it.   
  
Bobby smiles at him. “I know this means a lot to you, Bin. I want you to be happy, and I know that this will do you good. I hope he’s ready for it too.” Bobby scoots up on the bed next to Hanbin and lies down, pulling Hanbin down next to him. Hanbin settles in with his head on Bobby’s chest, feeling peaceful at the moment. He feels Bobby’s lips press softly against his forehead and it makes him smile.   
  
Whatever happens with Seungjae, he’ll be okay, because he always this to come back to, and Bobby’s not going anywhere.   
  


* * *

  
“Hey, hyung? I need to talk to you for a minute.”   
  
Jinhwan looks up from the notebook he’d been writing in, eyes falling on a serious looking Hanbin. “What’s up?”   
  
Hanbin enters Jinhwan’s room and closes the door behind him, making his way over to the bed to sit down. He feels a sudden rush of nostalgia for how things were five years ago. “Remember our first dorm? When it was just three of us?”   
  
Jinhwan grins and turns his chair to face Hanbin. “Yeah, that tiny place. Three of us in one bedroom.”   
  
Hanbin grins back. “We were so excited when we got Yunhyeong and Junhoe and got to move into this place,” Hanbin leans back on his hands, eyes on Jinhwan, “then Seungjae won that round of rock, paper, scissors and got his own room.”   
  
“Only to come whining to me that first night that he missed sleeping together,” Jinhwan replies, “and then an hour later who shows up at my bed, whining that Junhoe’s snoring woke him up?”   
  
Hanbin laughs at the memory. “It took us some adjusting, didn’t it? We complained so much about having no space, but then when we had it, we still stuck to each other like glue.”   
  
“Yeah, and now here we are, two separate apartments. We’ve come a long way.” Jinhwan says, curious why Hanbin’s bringing up the past. It’s not that they ever refuse to talk about it, but it feels like there’s a purpose to the trek down memory lane. He waits as Hanbin seems to take a moment to collect himself.   
  
“I got a letter from Seungjae.”   
  
Jinhwan’s mouth drops open in shock. He tries to find answers in Hanbin’s expression, but he’s maddeningly neutral. “And?”   
  
“It was a good letter,” Hanbin starts, “the kind of letter I always hoped I’d read one day.”   
  
Jinhwan smiles at the answer, feeling relieved. “How did you get it? Did he send it to the company?”   
  
“No, he left it at my mom’s store. Wanted to make sure I actually got it, I guess.” His mother had refused to answer any questions about the drop off, but Hanbin was certain she’d spoken to him for a while. Seungjae had always had a good relationship with Hanbin’s parents, and his mother wasn’t the sort of person who held grudges.   
  
“Wow. How long has it been? Five years?” The passage of time is a funny thing. On one hand, Jinhwan has never felt further removed from a period in his life than he feels from that time, but on the other hand, some days it feels like they only debuted a year ago.   
  
“Yeah, I didn’t realize at first, but I got the letter exactly five years to the day that his whole scandal came out. Like he asked my mom to wait for that specific day before giving me the letter.”   
  
Jinhwan isn’t sure how to feel about that, but if Hanbin is happy, then he supposes it doesn’t matter. “So what did he say?”   
  
“He just apologized, took ownership of everything. I’ll let you read it, but that’s not actually why I’m here.” Hanbin meets his eyes and takes a breath to steel his nerves. “He left me his number, and I texted him to meet up. I wanted to talk to him in person.”   
  
Jinhwan’s surprised again. “When?”   
  
“Today. In an hour, actually.” They’re meeting at his parent’s apartment, because it seemed like the safest neutral ground he could think of that Seungjae knew. He doesn’t want to risk meeting in public. Not for the first time, at least.   
  
“What do you want from me, then?” Jinhwan asks, pushing down the slightly hurt feelings that are sitting in the pit of his stomach. Seungjae had chosen to reach out to Hanbin only, and no matter how much he wants to be a part of the conversation, Jinhwan knows that he has to respect that. If it goes well with Hanbin, he’s sure he’ll get his own meeting with Seungjae.   
  
Hanbin is silent for a moment, trying to figure out what he actually wants. He’s been feeling weird about the whole thing, but he’s never been able to pinpoint why. He looks at Jinhwan and finally gives in to that fragile insecurity he’s been keeping locked away in his brain all these years. “I want you to tell me that I’m not an idiot for wanting to forgive him. Tell me it’s okay that I want us to be friends again.”   
  
Jinhwan’s heart feels like it’s about to knock a hole through his chest, it’s beating so fast. It’s been some time since Hanbin has come to him like this, not since late 2017 when it felt like everything was falling apart. Seeing Hanbin willingly put himself in a vulnerable position is still such a foreign thing.   
  
“Of course it’s okay,” Jinhwan replies, “just because someone does a bad thing, it doesn’t mean you have to give up on them for life. People are allowed to grow and change and learn from their mistakes, and you’re allowed to accept someone back after they’ve hurt you. It doesn’t make you an idiot. Forgiving someone can be very powerful. You’re not wrong to want that.”   
  
Hanbin nods, relieved to hear it. “I never stopped missing him. I thought at first that having Bobby would fill that void, but it’s not the same.”   
  
“Of course not, you can’t replace people in your heart. All you can do is make room for more people in there.” Jinhwan feels the same way. He loves Bobby and wouldn’t give him up for anything, but there are still times randomly throughout the day when he thinks about Seungjae, distant memories that get jogged by keywords or songs or pictures. He’s sure the others feel the same way.   
  
“I’m afraid that he’ll be such a different person now that I won’t feel the same. Like, his memory is so strong in my head, he was such an important part of that period of time. I don’t want my memories to be diminished by who he might be now. Does that make sense?”   
  
Jinhwan nods slowly, because Hanbin does raise a good point. “It’s been so long since you’ve seen him, who knows if you even really remember him accurately. We’ve probably all romanticized those memories to a degree, letting the things we didn’t like fall to the side and only remembering the good.”   
  
“There wasn’t anything I didn’t like,” Hanbin says then, and part of him wonders if he should really be dragging up old ghosts. Especially alone.   
  
Jinhwan tilts his and looks at him ponderingly, like he’s working out some equation in his head. Suddenly his eyes get wide. “You had feelings for Seungjae, didn’t you?” Hanbin doesn’t answer, but Jinhwan can tell by the way his shoulders sink back that his guess is correct. He’s not surprised to find it out, but he is surprised that he’d never worked it out sooner. “You’re worried you might still have feelings for him.”   
  
“I love Bobby, I know that. It’s been five years since we’ve been together, and even though things with us have changed over time, he’s still the person I want to spend my life with. But yes, to answer your question, I am worried that when I see Jae again, all of my buried feelings for him are going to come back. I just don’t know if I’m ready to deal with all of that.” It feels a little relieving to get it off his chest.   
  
“Does Bobby know?” Jinhwan asks.   
  
“Yeah, well he knows how I felt back then. And he’s the one who pushed me to see Jae.” It’s not that Hanbin’s worried about something happening that’ll make him undeserving of Bobby’s trust. It’s just the mental anguish rearing its head that he’s worried about.   
  
“All you can do is meet him and let your brain do whatever it’s going to do. Because even if you call it off, you’ll obsess over it. You just have to cross the bridge and deal with the repercussions. Just don’t hide your feelings, come and talk to me if you’re mixed up after. I’m always here for you.”   
  
Hanbin smiles at him then, feeling better for hearing it. “Yeah, I know I can always count on you. So many times I’d have been lost without you, hyung. I know I don’t show you enough gratitude, I know I’m bad at that. But I appreciate you always looking out for me.”   
  
Jinhwan smiles and almost can’t bring himself to look at Hanbin. It’s so rare to get words like that out of him. But that makes it mean so much more when he does. He finally looks up to meet his gaze. “Thank you. Now get out of here before you’re late. I hope it goes well.”   
  
Hanbin stands up then and walks over to the door, pausing to look back at Jinhwan. “Thanks for the talk, hyung. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, my head’s been buzzing about this so much that it’s hard to think.”   
  
“That’s okay, it’s a big deal.”   
  
“I’ll tell him you say hi.” Hanbin winks and opens the door, leaving Jinhwan’s bedroom.   
  
Jinhwan grins and yells after him. “Tell him if he acts up I’ll kick his ass.” Hanbin just laughs, and after a moment Jinhwan picks up his pen again and flips a page, fresh inspiration bringing new words to his head.   
  


* * *

  
He’s lying on the bed in his room, waiting, and with every minute that ticks closer he can’t stop the barrage of stupid thoughts that enter his head—   
  
_ what if this is a hoax and he doesn’t show? _ _  
_ _ what if he does come, but the letter was a lie and he just wants to curse me out? _ _  
_ _ what if he’s found out about me and bobby and he’s here to blackmail me? _ _  
_ _ what if he doesn’t actually miss me as much as i miss him? _   
  
There’s a knock at his door and he jolts upright suddenly, expecting his mother, but it’s not her.   
  
Instead it’s the first face he ever fell in love with, the same but five years older. The eyes look a little kinder, and the smile is soft but hesitant in a way he can never remember seeing it. They stare at each other for a moment before Seungjae speaks.   
  
“Hi,” he greets, but nothing else comes after that, like they’re both shellshocked and unable to process the situation. Finally Hanbin shakes himself out of his stupor and stands up.   
  
“Uh, hey, come in, come,” he feels flustered, like he needs another half hour to make his brain work.   
  
Seungjae enters his room and Hanbin can’t stop himself from taking in his appearance. He’s grown a few inches, probably the same height as Junhoe and Chanwoo, and Hanbin can see the definition of muscles given his clingy t-shirt. He feels like his brain might short-circuit.   
  
Seungjae walks right up to him, soft eyes looking down at him, and it feels so weird. There’s a hesitance in his movement that throws Hanbin for a loop, until he realizes that Seungjae is just waiting for him to give a cue. This is Hanbin’s meeting, and despite asking for it he never really responded to the purpose of Seungjae’s letter.   
  
It’s been five years, but the connection wakes up again suddenly, fresh out of its slumber, and Hanbin reaches for Seungjae only for Seungjae to reach back, and then they’re standing with arms wrapped around each other, clinging so tightly it’s almost painful.   
  
Hanbin pulls back first but he holds on to Seungjae’s arms, looking at his face, unable to tear his eyes away.  _ He’s gorgeous, _ he can’t help but think to himself. But then he remembers, once again, that he needs to be the first one to speak. He needs to set the tone.   
  
“It’s so good to see you again,” he says, and god does he ever mean it.   
  
“Is it?” Seungjae asks, still hesitant, and Hanbin can see the struggle on his face, the way Seungjae’s blinking back tears.   
  
“Yes, it is. It’s been too long. I missed you.” Originally he’d meant to hold his emotions in for a bit, to approach their meeting a little guardedly. But it just doesn’t feel right, it’s not what he needs.   
  
Seungjae finally smiles at his comment, drawing in a shaky breath. “I missed you too, I’m sorry it took so long, I just—I’m just sorry. For everything.” The smile disappears into a pained expression and suddenly they’re hugging again, but this time Seungjae’s weight is heavier, almost like he has trouble holding himself up.   
  
Hanbin pulls him down to sit on the end of his bed and reaches out to take his hand, squeezing it tightly but saying nothing.   
  
Seungjae finally looks at him after a moment. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been so fucking nervous about this for the past few days. I didn’t know if you’d just want to curse me out and tell me to leave, or what you wanted.”   
  
Hanbin can’t help but laugh suddenly, and he laughs even harder when Seungjae gives him a confused look. It takes him a moment to get a hold on himself. “I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but it’s just that I’ve been really nervous too. I kept wondering if this was some hoax.”   
  
Seungjae frowns then, but if his expressions are still the same then Hanbin knows that he’s not actually upset. Just sulking. “What do you mean you thought it was a hoax? I hand wrote you a letter and then you message me, don’t say anything about the letter, but just tell me you want to meet. I had way more to be nervous about than you.”   
  
Hanbin laughs again, and this time Seungjae grins at him, and when Hanbin leans against him and looks up, Seungjae puts an arm around him and draws him into another hug. Hanbin can feel the tension leaving Seungjae’s body.   
  
“So, tell me about your life,” Hanbin says, because now that they’re over the awkward hump of seeing each other face-to-face, he’s desperate to get caught up. “What have you been up to over the past five years?”   
  
Seungjae drops his arm and pulls his feet up onto the bed, crossing his legs. “After they let me off from the charges, my parents gave me an ultimatum. Go to the army or go to university. I was too angry to go to the army, too nervous as well. I didn’t want to look at people there and have them know me as some spoiled ex-idol trainee.”   
  
“So you did university then? Where did you go?”   
  
“I actually moved to France, with my sister,” Seungjae explains, grinning at Hanbin’s surprised expression, “she was studying in Paris, asked my parents if I could go and stay with her for a while.”   
  
“You moved to France?” Hanbin repeats, feeling jealous. As well as things have been going for him with the music, he still hasn’t gotten the chance to travel as much as he’d like, and France has always been a country on his list.   
  
“Yeah, I don’t know what kind of strings my mom pulled, but she got me in at her old university.” His mother actually held joint citizenship, Korean and French, and was still active as an alumni from her old school. “So I moved to Paris, stayed with my sister in her apartment.”   
  
Hanbin listens in fascination, intrigued by the complete shift Seungjae’s life had taken. “What did you study?”   
  
“Music,” he answers, “shocking, right? It was good, though. Harin rode my ass during the first few months, wouldn’t let me do anything fun.” Seungjae smiles about it now, but at the time he’d been full of intense anger and frustration, still too immature to take responsibility for his own mistakes.   
  
Hanbin grins, remembering Seungjae’s sister from the few times he’d met her. “I’m surprised she kept you around.”   
  
“Oh she threatened me every week with sending me back home,” Seungjae replies with a laugh, “but she broke me eventually. Just picked away long enough at everything, until one day I just had this massive breakdown.”   
  
“Yeah?” Hanbin can’t help but feel a tiny flare of protective energy rise up, even though it’s ridiculous. They’re talking about the past, and Seungjae seems fine now, he doesn’t need protecting anymore. But some habits are hard to break.   
  
“That was the first time in, god I don’t know how long? Years, maybe? I just cried, for like a good hour. Felt like a different person after, which sounds stupid but it’s true.”   
  
“It’s not stupid,” Hanbin cuts in, “sometimes you spend so long burying things that you don’t even even realize how affected you are. But then everything comes out and suddenly you’re not held back anymore, and you can make sense of things.”   
  
“That’s exactly it,” Seungjae replies, “I felt this bright sort of clarity settle over me, like I knew that I had screwed up, and I could admit it for the first time. I spent a few months writing an insane amount of music, but I hated it all.”   
  
“Really?” Hanbin asks, surprised to hear it. He tends to write his best music when he goes through those periods of clearing his mind.   
  
“Yeah, but that’s because it wasn’t what I wanted to write. I think it was what I needed to write, though. It was all depressing, whiny bullshit. Like some emo crap twelve year olds would swoon over.” Seungjae jokes, laughing at himself, feeling good when he hears Hanbin laugh too. “But I had to get it out of my head, I think.”   
  
“I can relate to that,” Hanbin replies now that he understands, “and you’re right, sometimes you just have to write what’s there so it’ll go away. You said you were stuck for months, though, how’d you finally get over it?”   
  
Seungjae smiles suddenly, thinking back to the memories of that time. It had truly been a period of rediscovery. “I met a girl, we had a class together in my second semester. It wasn’t anything serious at the beginning, we just started hanging out outside of class. She was really into breakdancing, she’d moved to Paris from Belgium just to join a b-girl crew with some dancers she’d met at a competition.”   
  
Hanbin feels conflicting emotions—it stings to hear him talk about a girl, but at the same time it’s entertaining because it’s such a cliché, and her story almost sounds like some ridiculous teen movie. But Seungjae’s smiling, and he has to remind himself that any flaring emotions he has now are just the residue of five years of burying his feelings.   
  
“So you were saved by love?” Hanbin says teasingly, grinning when Seungjae laughs.   
  
“Don’t say it like that, it sounds so lame. But I guess, yeah, in a way. I think it’s more like, I was so hung up on the past, because I didn’t have anything else to focus my attention on. I was mad at myself for fucking up what I had, I missed you guys. But then I met her, and she introduced me to a bigger crew, and what with my dance training, I started b-boying. That’s what really made the difference, being part of a crew again. I didn’t realize how much I needed something like that in my life.”   
  
Hanbin feels relieved to hear it, that Seungjae had missed them. “Did you keep rapping, or did you just focus on dancing?”   
  
“I just focused on the dancing, actually. It was like learning a whole different way of expressing myself, it felt really good. I was still doing music at school, but it was different. I wasn’t writing whiny bullshit raps anymore, I was doing piano and guitar compositions, just happier music. I was positive, for the first time in a long time. That was probably the first time I was really happy since we lost WIN. All that anger I was still carrying around from that show was gone, finally. It felt liberating.”   
  
Hanbin smiles as he listens to him, because it’s all good news. He can see the change in Seungjae, can see his personality. He’s still the same as he’d been before, but as he said—without the anger, without the bitter feelings. He’s a better version of himself. “I’m really happy to hear that. You were right, you know. I never did stop thinking about you. Even with Bobby there, I missed you. All the time.”   
  
Their eyes meet then, and Hanbin can see something unexpected in Seungjae’s gaze. Like he’s grateful to hear it. Grateful to know that he hadn’t just been swept aside and easily replaced, that it had hurt Hanbin as much as he’d been hurting.   
  
“I’m really sorry, Bin, I put you through such a shit time, I feel like I can never apologize enough for doing that to you.”   
  
Hanbin shakes his head, reaching out to take Seungjae’s hand. “I don’t want you to keep apologizing,” he says, “I forgive you. Yes, you did really hurt me, and I’ve been hurt for a very long time. But I’m not hurt anymore, and I don’t want us to keep that over our heads. So do me a favour?” He says, squeezes Seungjae’s hand until he looks up at him.   
  
“Anything,” Seungjae says, and he means it. He’s desperate to finally let go of the past. He just can’t do it without Hanbin’s forgiveness.   
  
“Don’t apologize about it ever again, not to me. I know there are more apologies you have to give, and I don’t know if everyone will forgive you as easily. But don’t apologize to me again, okay?”   
  
Seungjae squeezes his hand back and feels a thousand pounds lighter. He knows Hanbin’s right—he does have more apologies to give, but Hanbin’s was the most important, because he was the one he’d hurt the most. “Okay. I promise, no more apologizing from me, not for you.”   
  
“Good,” Hanbin replies, “thanks.”   
  
But Hanbin’s comment answers another question Seungjae has. “So, correct me if I’m wrong, but from what you’re saying, it kind of sounds like you want us to keep talking.”   
  
“Aren’t we going to?” Hanbin asks, and he looks hopeful.   
  
Seungjae smiles back at him. “Yeah, we are.”   
  
Hanbin feels good about the response, but at the same time he knows that if he’s going to keep Seungjae around, then he needs to come clean with him. Needs to tell him everything. “Listen, there’s something else I need to tell you. I have no idea how you’re going to take this, but I have to admit it to you. It’s only fair, I think.”   
  
Seungjae looks at him with narrowed eyes, curious about the sudden comment. “Should I be scared?” He asks, trying to lighten the suddenly serious mood. He literally has no idea what Hanbin’s about to say, and he can’t help but worry. Nerves churn in his gut as he waits.   
  
Hanbin looks down at where their hands are still clasped, and he wonders if he should break the contact before. Just in case Seungjae has a problem with it. So he doesn’t fling his hand away in disgust. He hopes he won’t have that kind of reaction, but he has no idea what Seungjae thinks of it. The topic had never come up between them.   
  
He takes a deep breath and decides to keep their hands clasped. He’s not going to start the conversation with negative energy. He has to trust that Seungjae will have a positive reaction.   
  
“I was in love with you, back then. Like, not just a crush, but fully in love.” He feels like he should say something more, but he has no idea what to say, doesn’t feel like he can even physically say anything else. All he can do is watch Seungjae’s face, waiting for his expression to change, waiting for his reaction. Currently his face is drawn in shock, clearly not expecting the confession. The seconds he has to wait make him feel like he’s suspended in animation, unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to think.   
  
Seungjae’s face is still in shock when his eyes finally re-focus on Hanbin’s face, and right as he speaks his expression shifts to one of disappointment, and for a split second Hanbin is certain he’s going to end things, he’s going to end whatever chance they had to re-start their friendship. But that’s not how Seungjae takes it.   
  
“Why didn’t you ever tell me you liked guys?” Seungjae replies when he’s finally over the shock, and maybe he doesn’t deserve to be upset, doesn’t deserve to feel any sense of betrayal, but he can’t help it. “Whatever happened to that crush on Hayi you had? Was that a lie?”   
  
Hanbin shakes his head. “No, that was real, kind of. I mean, I’m not gay, well not completely. I like guys, but I still like girls too. But you were the person I liked the most.”   
  
Seungjae looks down then at their hands, sees them intertwined, and he looks back at Hanbin and notices the look on his face. Like he’s afraid, and Seungjae realizes then what he’s afraid of. Rejection. Hatred. Disgust.   
  
So before he says anything else he grips Hanbin’s hand tighter, and he offers him a soft smile, because even though he feels hurt that Hanbin hadn’t confided in him then, he’s confiding in him now, and that has to count for something. “Well, you’ve got good taste, at least.”   
  
Hanbin can feel his heart kickstart again when Seungjae squeezes his hand, and he grins at his response. “So modest.”   
  
Seungjae grins at him. “Are you surprised?” He isn’t bothered at all, but he does feel even worse for what happened knowing what he knows now. But he’s just promised not to apologize again, so he pushes past that. “Okay, so, I know I shouldn’t be upset, but really, why didn’t you ever tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t support you?”   
  
Hanbin shrugs. “Well, we never talked about it, you could have been a huge homophobe for all I knew. And I knew you liked girls, so there wouldn’t have been a point.”   
  
“You liked girls too!” Seungjae replies, “so that’s not a good excuse. Did Jinan know?”   
  
Hanbin shook his head. “Not until after. No one knew, when you were with us. I just kept it to myself.”   
  
Seungjae nods. “Okay, well, that makes me feel a little better, at least. And I guess I can understand, hell honestly I don’t even know how I would have reacted. Like I don’t think I would have had a problem, but you know, I am a different person now. I might have been angry back then.”   
  
Hanbin can barely move after making his confession and getting a positive reaction. He just feels exhausted now, like carrying the secret around for so long had dragged him so far down that he needs time to bounce back after freeing himself from the shackles.   
  
Suddenly Seungjae sits up straight and stares at him, mouth open in a perfect o. Hanbin looks at him with a slightly nervous expression, waiting for him to speak.   
  
“Bobby?” Seungjae asks, because all of a sudden his mind is flooded with pictures and videos and things he’s always passed off as fans doing their thing and distorting reality to suit their whims. But the affection had always been there in Hanbin’s eyes.   
  
Hanbin swallows nervously, wonders what Seungjae’s going to think. He isn’t even entirely sure what he’s asking, but there can only be one question, can’t there?   
  
Seungjae waits but Hanbin doesn’t say anything, just looks like a deer in the headlights again. So he tries a second time, a bit more coherent. “Is Bobby gay?”   
  
There it is, the full extent of the question. Hanbin takes a deep breath and nods. “We’re together.”   
  
Seungjae looks shocked and he doesn’t say anything at first. Hanbin waits, nervous even though he shouldn’t really have a reason to be. But it’s such uncharted territory that he can’t be sure how the reaction will be.   
  
“Well, I’ll be honest, I don’t know why but, it just feels weird. Like, did you hook up before? Like is that why you picked him? To replace me?” Seungjae can’t help but feel weird about it, though he doesn’t really have any right to. He’s not even entirely sure what he feels weird about.   
  
Hanbin tightens his hold on Seungjae’s hand without realizing it, like he’s afraid he’s going to pull away finally. “Nothing happened, not until that first night,” Hanbin can barely bring himself to say it, “when you, uh, when you got cut.” He can’t stop staring at Seungjae’s face, afraid that any second now he’s going to see the anger come back. “I was a wreck, like I left and I didn’t even know what I was doing, I just, I left the building, and I just started walking, and I was so upset. I called him, like, he was the only person I could think of, and—”   
  
Seungjae cuts him off. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain,” he says, “I’m not upset, really. Just, you know just surprised. Okay maybe a little upset but not at you. I don’t even know why.”   
  
“I’m sorry,” Hanbin whispers, but he’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for.   
  
“No apologies, Bin. You didn’t do anything, okay, really I don’t, I just don’t know.” Except that he  _ does know, _ and the sudden realization of why he’s upset hits him like a harsh slap to the face, and seconds later he’s got tears in his eyes and a sob escaping his throat. God, it  _ hurts. _ He reaches out for Hanbin and pulls him close, buries his face into Hanbin’s shoulder. He just needs a moment to pull himself together.   
  
Hanbin’s arms are tight around Seungjae, and even though he doesn’t understand why he’s upset, he knows that it’s not something that’s going to come between them, at least. Otherwise Seungjae wouldn’t be clinging tightly to him right now. After a few minutes Seungjae finally seems to get ahold of himself and he sits back up, wiping his eyes and trying to control his breathing.   
  
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he says, “I just had this sudden realization that, you know, everything that happened ended up with something better for you. You lost me, but my replacement was better for you—”   
  
“Don’t say that,” Hanbin whispers back to him, understanding now and feeling upset over it too.   
  
“But it’s true,” Seungjae replies, “I was so bitter at first, that he replaced me so quickly. But it really was for the best, especially for you. You had a partner that could give you back everything you needed. Like fuck, you really did upgrade.”   
  
Hanbin wants to argue, but he can’t manage to get any words out before Seungjae waves him off.   
  
“Ah, fuck, really it’s not a big deal. I just, you know it just hit me all of a sudden. But it’s okay. You’re happy, and you deserve to be happy. And I’m happy now too, and you know we’re together again, so really, everything worked out.” Seungjae reaches out and takes his hand again, squeezing it tightly. “I know it’s been five years and we’re only just talking again, but,” Seungjae pauses for a moment, looks him in the eyes, “I just wanted to say that, I love you. Not the way you loved me, but, you know, I love you. I guess I just want to say it, because I never said it then and maybe if I had, things would have been different.”   
  
Hearing the words out of his mouth feels like the closure he didn’t realize he actually did need. He smiles back at Seungjae and grips his hand tightly. “I love you too.”   
  
Seungjae finally smiles back at him. “Besides, I was your first love, right? Your first love always stays with you, no matter how happy you get.”   
  
Hanbin squeezes his hand again. “Yeah, your first love always does stay with you. No matter what.” They don’t say anything else for a bit, just sit together in silence and let the moment pass them by. Hanbin can’t believe it’s actually all worked out as well as it has. After a few minutes he’s hit with a sudden pang of hunger.   
  
“Have you eaten? I’m fucking starving now, after this,” he laughs, feeling like his nerves have exhausted every bit of energy he has and he needs to replenish.   
  
“Me too,” Seungjae replies, “I’ve barely eaten the past few days, actually, now I feel like I could devour everything in sight.”   
  
Hanbin grins and gets up, leads Seungjae out to the kitchen where his mother’s standing at the stove. She looks at them with a smile, like she knew they’d be out at any moment.   
  
“Let me guess, it went well, you’re both happy, and now you’re looking for something to eat?” She asks teasingly.   
  
Hanbin smiles at her and hugs her from behind, a rare show of emotion that he knows she deserves more of. “Yes please, we’re starving.”   
  
“Wow, is this all I have to do in order to get a hug from you?” She teases again.   
  
“It’s probably just because he’s emotionally compromised,” Seungjae adds, grinning at them, “we had a very deep conversation just now.”   
  
Hanbin only pretends to be upset, glaring at Seungjae in an obviously fake way. “Hey, remember when I said I wanted to keep talking to you? Yeah, that feeling is going away.”   
  
“Hanbin! Be polite to your guest,” his mom scolds jokingly, and Seungjae walks over to them and reaches out to ruffle his hand in Hanbin’s hair.   
  
“It’s okay, he can be as abusive as he wants to be,” Seungjae says, “I had it coming anyway.” He pauses for a second, his hand still on top of Hanbin’s head. “I left you once, I’m never leaving you again.”   
  
Hanbin can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face, and he doesn’t fight it when Seungjae pulls him into another hug. He knows he can’t let their fairytale reunion cloud his mind over. Seungjae’s still got a whole group to make amends with, and Hanbin isn’t sure how easily the others might want to welcome him back.   
  
But he’s going to hope for the best. He’s going to take his time and not rush anything, and he’s going to make sure he takes everyone’s opinion into account. Because now that Seungjae’s back, suddenly he’s got these ideas in his head, he’s got inspiration, just like Bobby had said he’d probably get.   
  
He has that solo promotion coming up this year.   
  
And he’s going to do whatever it takes to get Seungjae on his album.   
  
But first he’s going to have to clear it with the group. And while he knows that Bobby will approve, and Jinhwan will approve, he’s worried about the others.   
  
But that’s a bridge to cross on another day. Today he’s allowed to be positive and he’s allowed to be hopeful. Before they sit down to eat Hanbin takes out his phone and snaps a picture of he and Seungjae, and he sends it to Jinhwan and Bobby, separately, and they’re both happy to see it. But he makes them promise not to say anything to the others yet. That’s Hanbin’s burden alone.


End file.
